Anita yes I never felt hated by my grandfather, in fact I was told a couple of times how he seemed to treat me somewhat special.

Idon’t know what my father thought of me. I would like to believe we were kindred spirits but I feel we just share a few personality and talent traits from what I have been told of him. I was told he fought to see me when I was a baby and he was around but eventually was told by my mother’s family to stay away. My mother was still seeing him after I was born and defended him up to her the time she died even though they had not been together since I think I was little. Did she have any contact with him over the years? I don’t know. I have been told she was very much attached to him when they were seeing each other.

Idon’t know why he didn’t try to contact me well after I had grown up and on my own. I guess he moved when I was 20-21 and had a relationship with someone else and had children and maybe he let go of any relationship with me. What I don’t understand is not contacting me after I was on my own and could make up my own mind. I spent my life rejecting my mother. I was angry for a lot of things but she felt I had been brainwashed by other members of her family. I can’t really go on with any of that right now.

I know I am generalizing but when I say hate I am covering different levels of reactions from men. I guess I feel hate as a complete rejection of me. I have been turned on verbally when I wouldn’t respond to them the way they wanted. I have had men try and sometimes (when I was younger) successfully intimidate me when I stood up to them or was rebellious.

I was verbally hurt by someone I thought I was friends with when I was younger and compared to another girl as to how I was not wanted after I acted somewhat jealous of a girl he was paying attention to. It was a boy who liked me and I was friends with despite his sister bullying me and he sometimes feeling pressured to do so as well. He was different when we were alone. He did like me as a “girlfriend” when we were alone but changed.

I have had interest from men and when I didn’t respond immediately they gave up. I was hurt you know when I was younger. My views of men were focused on the romantic but I don’t think that is what they were focused on. I thought romantically about a relationship with a man and didn’t trust any man who seemed to be interested in me physically which always seemed to be the case. I wish I hadn’t but I think I made and continue to make myself unattractive because I want them to like ME and not what I was on the outside. I never got the impression I was worth pursuing because when I wouldn’t respond right away I was given up on. Like I’m here for one reason for them. Like only other women were revered and praised and thought of as special.

I still feel men put women in categories and whatever category you are in is the one you need to accept. If you try to break out of that category you will be punished.

Just to give you an example: Madonna is one of many women I admire. She was a window of possibilty for someone like me. They tried and still try to hold her down to their chosen category for her but she doesn’t let them. She not only didn’t accept where people told her she belonged but triumped over that. I don’t accept my category either but I have been damaged by people wanting to be put me in a category. Regardless we both suffer for it but Madonna has been able to make it on her own in the face of relentless cruel criticism.

I am just telling you about Madonna because she has been my strength since I was a teenager. She is important to maybe understanding my pain so that’s why I believe she’s relevant to my issues.  It’ also very important to note how people men and women who conform to their category of women who are older in order to be accepted have sensed that Madonna might now be more vunerable because she’s people getting older. They seem to be in their glory over the idea of lowering her self esteem to what they believe it should be. If you delve into her more unknown songs they will hear her pain and frustration and sometimes sarcasm as to what I would guess men decided for her a long time ago. That is what I hear when I listen to many of her songs.

I am ranting now but I am trying to work out my feelings.

I am also often annoyed at men who cater to the women in their lives. I feel as if women take on the role of mothering men as a way of control to get what they want. They demand this and that and when men cater to them I am annoyed and wonder what makes those women so special? Why do they get catered to?

Please understand I admire women and men who think “I am just as good as you” not “I am above you.” People often reward when who put themselves above everyone and tear down the ones who say I am just as good or I have something important to offer as well and I will never understand that. Women I believe more so than men are not seen as individuals.

Idon’t want to be “the boss,” ugh I hate that when I hear men refer to their wives as that. I don’t want to be the subordinate. I want men to love ME and want to pursue me without me having to put on any kind of performance.

Like I said I am ranting.

When I said my loyalty and love is rejected I meant I would give that effortlessly to someone who loved me. I am always at the ready to offer that so it’s a given I would love someone that truly loves me.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.