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Alone

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  • This topic has 388 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by anita.
Viewing 15 posts - 61 through 75 (of 389 total)
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  • #152664
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Lisa,

    I know you wrote this white a while ago, but I read it, and I too, had a horrendous, lonely, yratraumatic, neglectful, childhood, verbal, emotional and physical abuse, being left alone to fend for myself, while my Mother went on drinking binges.

    I I have dated, but due to chronic mental illness and emotional issues, I really feel I haven’t as my relationships..the three that I had (I am 55 now) were extremely chaotic, turbulent and short-lived. I too live a lonely life. I think my intensive DBT therapy and my 12 step support groups have been a lifeline for me. I think I can help you, if you will let meme. I hope you will come back and post again. We have very similar life experiences.

     

    #152668
    Lisa
    Participant

    I’m sorry Anita, I am having a very difficult day and will reply soon. Thank you for what you have done.

    #152670
    Lisa
    Participant

    Eliana I just saw your post! I will respond soon.

    #152672
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    You are welcome. Post when you feel better.

    anita

    #152770
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    My thoughts following Lisa’s Story:

    I believe that your main lifetime and current problem is the frequent distress/ emotional pain/suffering that you experience on an hourly and daily basis.

    You wrote: “I have kinda always hoped a therapist could end my suffering. They never can. I am really at the point now where I need relief that can’t wait.”

    This ongoing, daily distress depletes your energy on an ongoing basis. You wrote: “Daily life, interactions, bills, work…I can barely pull them off and then I have nothing left… Most of my energy has been spent keeping a roof over my head.”

    Depleted, you are can barely manage the most basic daily tasks. You are “always in survival mode with little bursts of ambition that fizzle out and then I just remain in survival mode.”

    There are calm moments in your life, when you daydream perhaps. Sometimes nothing particularly distressing is happening, but you know, from experience, that soon enough “Something else will happen and it will be too much for me.” So the expectation is that a great distress is just about to happen, anytime.

    It is my understanding that as a young child and throughout your living in your childhood home (until your mid twenties),your experience was that you were Alone (title of thread), that is, unattended to. Bad things happened to you and you didn’t understand why they were happening. It felt like people hated you, and you didn’t know what you did to bring it about. You didn’t know what you did to bring about painful experiences in your life and what you can possibly do to make your life better.

    When you did things for others, like clean for them, do their laundry, you were at best tolerated, but not loved. You did not experience love, being valued for who you are. You experienced being tolerated, at best, for what you do for others.

    Being unloved, being shown no empathy, you were not taught to survive, not to thrive (“I have learned nothing more than to just survive.”)

    There was no empathy for you in your childhood home, no one cared to notice your distress; no one cared to find out your thoughts and feelings and help you. You were Alone. And a child cannot do more than survive, at best, being so alone on a regular basis. As a result, your anxiety fired up and expressed itself in the symptoms of ADHD, OCD, bed wetting, over-eating, depression and dysfunction.

    What to do now?

    Compassion for yourself: this is what you severely lacked in your life and this is what you desperately need. I don’t know if you considered this before, but I suggest you consider or re-consider applying for disability benefits (income, housing, medical)  so that you can stop working and so, reduce your daily, ongoing distress some.

    Understand, with self compassion, that your first priority is to attend to your distress, to your suffering. You have suffered way too much and way too long. Intend to attend to that little, suffering girl that you were, the girl who is still you, still suffering. Look at her, in your mind’s eye, and tell her that you will help her, that you will do everything in your power to help her.

    And then, help her, in any and every way you can.

    anita

     

    #152790
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Corrections for above post:

    “Depleted, you can barely manage the most basic daily tasks…”

    “Being unloved, being shown no empathy, you were taught to survive, not to thrive…”

     

     

     

    #153288
    Lisa
    Participant

    Thank you, I am sorry that I haven’t been able to respond to posts. I can not respond right now. I have read and I am grateful and soon I hope I will be able to respond.

    I am not doing very well at this moment. I feel my only path to serenity is to accept that I am unlovable. I have always felt that. I am in a moment now where I can not accept that and the reality makes me sad.

    I have seen women who brought many problems to relationships and yet someone loved them. I don’t understand why he doesn’t come along.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Lisa.
    #153448
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    “To accept that (you are) unlovable” is not going to bring you serenity because it is not true. Truth is the way to serenity, not untruth.

    I suggest that your “path to serenity” is to accept the truth: you were unloved, not unlovable.

    As to  “why he (a man to love you) doesn’t come along”-

    There are different possibilities to why men have not and do not pursue you:

    Maybe you discourage them; maybe when they look at you for an eye contact, you look away, and so they figure you are not interested. Maybe you often perceive that they criticize you and you express hostility and withdraw. Maybe you often look so distressed and unavailable that men figure you are not available for a calm, pleasant exchange. There are other possibilities, I am sure.

    anita

    #153922
    Lisa
    Participant

    I am trying to comment on my story being told. Please have patience with me. I am trying to get it together. I am just trying to work through some “coincidences” again. By the odds it’s just too many coincidences of me being reminded that I am not to be embraced by anyone. Too many. I do make an effort sometimes and I am reminded of what things are suppose to be like for me. I am waiting for someone to prove me wrong. I’m torn between wanting to get to that place I want to be and setting myself up more to be reminded that I am not one of those women.

    #153934
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    It is okay. Take as long as you need or want. There is no requirement that you comment on Lisa’s Story, you don’t have to. If you have the time and inclination, do. Not otherwise.

    You and I have a lot in common. Telling your story helped me gain a new understanding of myself. Like you, I believe, I experience and have experienced for decades, since early childhood, a Low Distress Tolerance. Often troubled, often bothered, depleted, tired, otherwise occupied, unavailable.

    I moved around a lot, like you, lived in rented rooms until I was almost 50. My distress levels were high on an ongoing basis. Like you, I suffered a whole lot. And so, I understand you not having the time and energy to attend to this thread. I understand things feeling too-much-to-handle.

    anita

    #153964
    Lisa
    Participant

    Do you ever feel that there is an unspoken rule for women? Bear with me, I often try to rephrase things and am vague as to not hurt the feelings of people reading out there.

    I feel as if there are a few men and a lot of women who know the value of individual women. I also feel there are men and women who do not know the value of individual women.

    As long as narrowmindness is embraced but what makes me sad is that I think even the few men who know intellectually the value of feminity still objectify women. They just don’t brag about it and even speak out against it.  They too put women in categories socially but intellectually speak as if we are all worthwhile.

    I love women that can break through that obstacle but I never can. You think some men are enlightened and it turns out they are not.

    I am devasted that my loyalty and love is rejected. My thoughts, everything. I am very upset because I am afraid my problem is that I see all too well and wish I was didn’t.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Lisa.
    #153968
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    I am not clear about your attitude toward men, from before, when you wrote that you feel that men hate you. You never indicated your grandfather hating you, or problems with him and you never met your father (and you see him, in your mind’s eye, as a kindred spirit, a fellow artist). You never had a relationship with a man, so I don’t know where it comes from, the feeling of being hated—

    Nor the feeling of being objectified by men. Maybe it is about having been abused by an uncle (a  thought-of sibling, at the time)…?

    Regarding men objectifying women- happens a lot, especially in certain cultures. On the other hand, many men look up to their wives as if they were their mothers, and often, the wife is in charge of the man’s life. Often, the man is eager to please the woman/ wife and she sets the rules.

    Can you elaborate on: “I am devasted that my loyalty and love is rejected. My thoughts, everything”- your loyalty and love for him is rejected?

    anita

     

    #153984
    Lisa
    Participant

    Anita I will respond tonight. I have to clock into work in 5 minutes. So in about 7 hours.

     

    thank you

    #154142
    Lisa
    Participant

    Anita yes I never felt hated by my grandfather, in fact I was told a couple of times how he seemed to treat me somewhat special.

    Idon’t know what my father thought of me. I would like to believe we were kindred spirits but I feel we just share a few personality and talent traits from what I have been told of him. I was told he fought to see me when I was a baby and he was around but eventually was told by my mother’s family to stay away. My mother was still seeing him after I was born and defended him up to her the time she died even though they had not been together since I think I was little. Did she have any contact with him over the years? I don’t know. I have been told she was very much attached to him when they were seeing each other.

    Idon’t know why he didn’t try to contact me well after I had grown up and on my own. I guess he moved when I was 20-21 and had a relationship with someone else and had children and maybe he let go of any relationship with me. What I don’t understand is not contacting me after I was on my own and could make up my own mind. I spent my life rejecting my mother. I was angry for a lot of things but she felt I had been brainwashed by other members of her family. I can’t really go on with any of that right now.

    I know I am generalizing but when I say hate I am covering different levels of reactions from men. I guess I feel hate as a complete rejection of me. I have been turned on verbally when I wouldn’t respond to them the way they wanted. I have had men try and sometimes (when I was younger) successfully intimidate me when I stood up to them or was rebellious.

    I was verbally hurt by someone I thought I was friends with when I was younger and compared to another girl as to how I was not wanted after I acted somewhat jealous of a girl he was paying attention to. It was a boy who liked me and I was friends with despite his sister bullying me and he sometimes feeling pressured to do so as well. He was different when we were alone. He did like me as a “girlfriend” when we were alone but changed.

    I have had interest from men and when I didn’t respond immediately they gave up. I was hurt you know when I was younger. My views of men were focused on the romantic but I don’t think that is what they were focused on. I thought romantically about a relationship with a man and didn’t trust any man who seemed to be interested in me physically which always seemed to be the case. I wish I hadn’t but I think I made and continue to make myself unattractive because I want them to like ME and not what I was on the outside. I never got the impression I was worth pursuing because when I wouldn’t respond right away I was given up on. Like I’m here for one reason for them. Like only other women were revered and praised and thought of as special.

    I still feel men put women in categories and whatever category you are in is the one you need to accept. If you try to break out of that category you will be punished.

    Just to give you an example: Madonna is one of many women I admire. She was a window of possibilty for someone like me. They tried and still try to hold her down to their chosen category for her but she doesn’t let them. She not only didn’t accept where people told her she belonged but triumped over that. I don’t accept my category either but I have been damaged by people wanting to be put me in a category. Regardless we both suffer for it but Madonna has been able to make it on her own in the face of relentless cruel criticism.

    I am just telling you about Madonna because she has been my strength since I was a teenager. She is important to maybe understanding my pain so that’s why I believe she’s relevant to my issues.  It’ also very important to note how people men and women who conform to their category of women who are older in order to be accepted have sensed that Madonna might now be more vunerable because she’s people getting older. They seem to be in their glory over the idea of lowering her self esteem to what they believe it should be. If you delve into her more unknown songs they will hear her pain and frustration and sometimes sarcasm as to what I would guess men decided for her a long time ago. That is what I hear when I listen to many of her songs.

    I am ranting now but I am trying to work out my feelings.

    I am also often annoyed at men who cater to the women in their lives. I feel as if women take on the role of mothering men as a way of control to get what they want. They demand this and that and when men cater to them I am annoyed and wonder what makes those women so special? Why do they get catered to?

    Please understand I admire women and men who think “I am just as good as you” not “I am above you.” People often reward when who put themselves above everyone and tear down the ones who say I am just as good or I have something important to offer as well and I will never understand that. Women I believe more so than men are not seen as individuals.

    Idon’t want to be “the boss,” ugh I hate that when I hear men refer to their wives as that. I don’t want to be the subordinate. I want men to love ME and want to pursue me without me having to put on any kind of performance.

    Like I said I am ranting.

    When I said my loyalty and love is rejected I meant I would give that effortlessly to someone who loved me. I am always at the ready to offer that so it’s a given I would love someone that truly loves me.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Lisa.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Lisa.
    #154148
    Lisa
    Participant

    I apologize for all the grammatical mistakes in my last post. Hope it’s somewhat coherant. I can not edit anymore.

Viewing 15 posts - 61 through 75 (of 389 total)

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