My job put me on today and Saturday. I am trying to get a moment to respond to all. I hope anything I said has not caused me to lose you Anita as I sense I have.

Anita I have read over your telling of my story and I am so grateful that you put so much effort into it.

A couple of things I did want to mention though. I am not sure how I worded some things because I didn’t go back and read what I wrote.

I was told by my mother that my grandfather wanted me home when I was in a foster home. My aunt told me I was wanted but my grandmother didn’t know where I was.

The children that told me about my “adoption” did so pointedly and with much amusement. They also expected me to just go back to playing and I believe asked if I was crying when I came back out.

My employers have almost always been very happy with my actual work doing the job I was given.

I found out about certain men’s other interests by having conversations with them. Their wives or girlfriends would sometimes have a problem with me having those conversations.

You did a wonderful job telling my story and again thank you.

I like your suggestion about getting help and having time off. I think I would really benefit not having the daily stress of work. Everything I grew up with though tells me not to. I work no matter what. Injury…deal with it, weather, ice, snow, get throught it, no bus fare..walk to work. It’s what I was taught at home. It was what I was taught at school. It’s veey complicated for me to take care of myself. In the family I grew up in and the Catholic school I went to, you either swim or you sink. I need help but I never learned how to accept gelp. I also feel that I can work if only someone really cared for me. I feel like the only thing I am missing is someone wanting anything from me.

I am also searching for the reason why I seemed to be someone to be tolerated instead of truly wanted. I have had people in my life claim they did want me but their actions differed. I was told my mother desperately wanted a relationship with me but she couldn’t be the mother I needed. I was criticised for rejecting her and being angry with her. I was told my father wanted to talk to me but didn’t pursue that communication. This is so upsetting to me. No one in that family could get help. Their idea of strong was to go out and do it no matter what hurt you are dealing with. Favoured was acting like hurt didn’t affect you at all. Many of them ended up not talking and having sad lives. The ones considered the strongest married into other families and didn’t talk about hurt. Didn’t understand talking about hurt. They painted a picture and that’s what the presented to the world.

I don’t know if men hate me or I hate them. I have had men for no reason talk down to me or acted like talking to me at all was a collosal chore for them. I have to analyse things to make sense of things. I don’t believe things come from no where. There are always reasons. So if a man talks to me with annoyance when I make pleasant conversation than I want to know why. Women have done this to me too in fairness.

I am angry that my father didn’t pursue a relationship with me, I am angry that I was hurt by men I trusted. I am angry that men only seemed interested in me physically while other women seemed held in a higher regard. I was bright and talented as well as pretty but I feel many women didn’t want me to be so they put me down and criticised me. Men seemed to follow that.

I am looking for the answer of why men haven’t pursued me. I don’t accept that it is what I am putting out there. I get treated differently than other women and I don’t accept that it is my fault because I have been friendly. I have been in moods but only after being friendly friendly friendly and nothing…I don’t believe it’s me. I believe I am being punished. It simply doesn’t matter how I act. I am alone either way. What I meant by serenity is if I accept the fact that no man wants me. I am not happy about that. I kust see no other way to deal with it. I can’t accept it. That’s my problem and why I suffer. If someone wants to prove me wrong go right ahead but no one wants to.

I believe in human connections as a beautiful reality with the knowledge that I’m part of it. Do you really know what that is like??

I am speaking to people in general when I adk that question. I still get things that happen that seem to happen to cast me in a bad light when I sit there minding my business unable to stop it.

I recently went to a concert where it was really hot and water was expensive. I broke down and bought two waters savoring the second one. A couple sat next to me and chatted with me. I had mentioned the price of the water just making conversation although the wife didn’t think it was that expensive. Trust me it was. Alot of people were getting up and down before the concert and they had left their seats for a bit. When they came back they were missing a large bottle of water and asked me about it. I told them I don’t remember seeing a bottle of water around their seats. I only saw her jacket draped over her seat. They got real quiet with me and of course I have to wonder why. I analyse again and wonder if they think I took their water. At this time I am really thirsty so I break down and I am willing to pay for another water. I would have bought them the next one if I wasn’t so thirsty. and they weren’t so expensive. When I couldn’t find anyone selling water going up and down the aisles I gave up. The concert was about to start and I didn’t want to miss it. There was another couple to my right who knew I was looking for more water. When the husband came back after leaving his seat with his drink he also bought me a large bottle of water. I thanked him so much  and offered to pay for it but he told me not to worry about it. I was so grateful but I also thought, great now the couple to the left is going to think this is their large bottle of water. Two things here…coincidences seem to always fall in place too coincidently for me. This is just one example of many. Also married men or men in relationships often see me in distress and help me in some way. He didn’t have to do that and he thought of me but the woman bext to him gets to call herself his wife or girlfriend and I go home alone.

Idon’t want to be negative, in fact when I started this thread I was in a more optimistic mood about wanting things to change. I am in a spell right now of real negativity. I want to pursue this thread though. I have to find a way of solving my problem but it’s solving a complex puzzle for me. The answers aren’t clear for me as they seem for others. I am devastated that everything I had/ have are going to waste. It’s hard to cope when you are dealing with that. The last you want to hear is that it’s your fault when you feel you are profoundly rejected. Great, not only do I have to accept being rejected but I get to take the blame for it.

I often feel the need to”call out” perceived slights. I can’t stop people from slighting me but I feel I can let them know I know they are. Sometimes I wish I was clueless. Wish I didn’t see things others don’t. Wish I wasn’t aware. I feel I would be in a relationship right now if I was unsware of what goes on around me. I am ranting again but I am still feeling bitter about my life at this moment.

I thought I lost you Anita because it sounded like you weren’t very keen on what I wrote and were just wishing me luck finding someone. I wasn’t saying you weren’t responding and denying you telling me to take my time.  I understand that I do have to find a path and can’t just go on. My stubborness for not accepting my responsibility in my situation keeps me from that path. I do accept some responsibility but I need to find the answer to the why I was eejected by some in the first place.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Lisa.

I am venting. I am given no way out so if I have to be imprisoned by men and the women that love them. When they can’t shut me up they silence me. If I was successful they couldn’t silence me.

They would certainly try though through ageism, pitting other women against me, insults, ignoring me, recycle me for someone younger, try to undermine my achievements.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Lisa.