I have learned to regulate my emotions better but I still cry sometimes. My way of dealing with crying at work is to say what I think with out directly confronting the source of my distress. I also write in code so no one knows what I am saying.

I am working with someone who I worked with before. They didn’t like me then and it seems do not like me now. I have tried to be friendly with them but they try to isolate me. They laugh all the time and speak loudly and get so many people to think they are wonderful. If I remotely say anything to make conversation they make a face like do I have to hear this? I also get eye rolls from them and someone else when I am remotely silly.

Meanwhile they are as loud as they want to be, silly as they want to be….and everyone loves them and most likely see me as just “jealous” of them. This really annoys me I do not care if someone needs to be loved by every person they serve. What bothers me is the hypocrisy and the noise and the freedom they have.

This person was finally able to drive a wedge in between me and another co worker whom I get along with. They sometimes make the work harder than it has to be and laugh at me when I make comments. No one I serve understand why I am sometimes upset.

Out in the world I can simply get up and leave a group of people I do not feel comfortable with. Work restrains me from really speaking my mind.

I am just down and concerned because I do not know how to ignore ridicule. Others are free to talk but I am not allowed to enjoy my work.

I think I have CPTSD.

I am sorry to hear the word unloved in your post about an autobiographical book Anita. Yeah it does resonate with me. So much so that I would think something was wrong with someone who loved me, including myself. The one thing I hate about meditation classes or other classes is the talk about how special and unique you are and also about self care. I will never see myself as a good person. It also upsets me with talk of us being one. The people around me talk up a good game in class but when they are done its back to me being beneath them. When I was young I was open hearted but now that ship has sailed.

I try to get along with people but some just can not let it go with disliking me and then I feel bad when I throw a verbal dig at them in what feels like self defense. That happened yesterday. At first I was just responding to a customer who kept looking behind me with wide eyes at what I perceived as a manager making fun of me. I finally asked him what are you looking at, a horror show? I really was responding to the way he was looking but it came across as me calling my manager a horror show passive aggressively. Co workers who are her sidekicks were whooping it up so I was on edge. Afterwards I wrote “what is the point to all of this?” I also feel guilty about what I said. I don’t want to live like this but people who do not value harmony are everywhere. People like me can not escape them. So I will be thinking about what I said and how it landed and whether or not it hurt their feelings all day today on my day off. I am not even positive she was making fun of me but I have felt bullied before and always think that is what is happining. That’s another reason I feel bad.

Why can’t people just work and go home? I understand not liking everyone but you should at least be cordial in a work setting. I don’t get it. It strikes me as very “basic” if you know what I mean.

I listened to a video about CPTSD after looking up Arrested Development. I do think I stopped emotionally maturing at a certain age and combine that with an acute state of awareness….it’s exhausting.