Dear wildoceanflower:

Let me start by saying how much I love your username…it’s so unique and beautiful.

I know what you’re going through. Like, literary. As I was reading your posts I felt a strange sense of identification. I, too, was raised by, to use a euphemism, an inconsiderate mother. When I was old enough to make my own life decisions I decided I no longer wanted the same patterns that I had experienced in my relationship with my mom to repeat themselves. If my mom couldn’t appreciate me for who I was, perhaps other people could. I decided to be as kind, empathic, and self sacrificing as I could. After all, nobody  could bring themselves to treat someone that nice poorly, right?

Wrong.

My “niceness” resulted in me attracting a couple of people who, at the beginning of our relationship, put me on a pedestal. At first they all complimented my kindness, innocence, generosity, honesty, you name it.  At the same time, however, they judged, gosspiped about,  and condemned others in the most brutal way for the most childish reasons. I used to feel both good and worried at the same time…I felt good about how I had “earned” the love of such difficult people…deep down, however, I could feel that sth wasn’t right.

And it wasn’t. In fact, a lot of things weren’t. The same old pattern with mom was at its work and I didn’t know that at the time. I soon realized that I was going out of my way to please these people, to keep things cool by apologizing even when I was accused of sth that I hadn’t done. And you know, all along the way I though there was sth wrong with ME, not them. Perhaps if could learn to be more forgiving, more accepting, more generous, things would work out somehow.

They didn’t. There came a point when I had had enough. I quit playing the game as decently as possible. I stepped out.

It didn’t end up as easily as that however. The consequences were disastrous. I lost “friends”, I had my reputation as an honest, kind and considerate person smeared, I was humiliated, threatened, backstabbed, and slandered. I was shattered to pieces, both within and without.

I couldn’t eat, sleep,  or enjoy life the way I used to. First my mom, and now this. Every single thing seemed beyond helpless. As I still live with my parents, I had my mom to constantly confirm all my doubts, saying I had brought  all of this upon myself. I wondered if I could ever make my way out of this dark, deep, scary hole.

The thing is, although I can’t claim I’ve reached at the top, I know I’m on the right track, and you will be too.

The first thing I want you to know is that no matter what you’ve been said, or currently believe, no matter how bleak things may seem right now in your life,  YOU ARE NOT A LOSER. The qualities that you listed such as generosity, kindness, empathy, niceness, and the willingness to own up to your mistakes…none of them is a sign of weakness. In fact, quite the opposite is true. They are rare, beautiful, and a sign of strength and bravery. Just like any other valuable asset, however, they have to be protected and used with care, saved only for those who are worthy. And who do you think deserves these gifts the most? That’s it, you. You say you are willing to have children so that you can feel a sense of purpose in your life, before the right time for that arrives, how about giving your own inner child a chance? How about trying to make peace with your little self, to give her all the things that your mother wasn’t able to give her, namely, and most importantly, unconditional love?

If we’re able to love and respect ourselves unconditionally, regardless of our past (and future) mistakes and regardless of our imperfections, things will start to work themselves out in one way or another. This doesn’t mean that other people will suddenly start behaving the way we want them to. It means that we respect ourselves enough to distinguish between what is healthy and what is not, and be willing to let go of what is not without feeling pain, guilt, feeling of being undesirable and unworthy. You have to believe that your worth is not determined by your relationships, your achievements in life or even you being a nice, caring person. You deserve love and respect simply because you exist.

The beautiful thing about truly believing in this is that once we love and respect ourselves enough, we no longer settle for and hang on to crappy relationships. We don’t beg for love from unhealthy people who have let us down and smashed us again and again. We believe that we deserve more, and we will get more. This is not to say that we should sit around waiting for people to have let out down to change and finally return all of our favors, or at least don’t bite the hand that has fed them. That’ll not happen (Trust me, I have tested that and failed miserably), and we’ll remain unhappy and dissatisfied. What it means is that as we know that we deserve more, we’ll start to let healthier, more stable people in our lives…people who love us for who we are and not for what we do for them. People who we don’t have to “earn” their love by going out of our way to please them.

People like ourselves.

I wish all the best for you on your journey. It can be a marvelous one, but only if you believe that you deserve it.

Mary