Dear Anita,

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful answer, as per usual. You’re quoting the Bible and this hits home for me, as you probably know.

A lot of people have linked my eating disorder to my past relationship. I always try to disconnect from it but the truth is, the way I behaved in this relationship is kind of an endless source of arguments for self-hatred. I don’t think about it consciously anymore. But some part of me believes that I am not made to be with someone.

It would be okay if protecting myself hasn’t become more damaging than…well, not protecting myself. I have ups in my life, but the downs are always right around the corner and are always linked to a lack of self-esteem, and, as a result, some form of self-destruction and a lot of escapism. I have trouble dealing with reality in general, the reality of love, the reality of life; that’s how I interpret my need for isolation. A long time ago, isolation was good and enjoyed. Now, as I’m watching others live and achieve, I just feel lonely. and underachieving.

I’m both scared that people will take too much of my time and space, and that they won’t and that I’ll end up alone. This is a paradox that I can’t seem to renconcile in my head.

Always so much fear. Thank you for being curious about my situation and for being willing to help because it’s as I write these things down that I realise how much fear there is in me! It obviously comes from the way I was raised. My parents are people who never allowed themselves to live. They don’t pleasure, they’re self-destructives (alcoholics and heavy smokers). My mother is too attached to my sister and I, whilst my dad has always seemed indifferent. I think maybe some of the paradoxes come from that.

Anyways, thank you so much, again. I am always appreciative of your help.