Forum Replies Created
October 8, 2017 at 10:55 am #172203
That was very articulate. Not enforcing a time limit is something I do. And I do not just do it with my mother, but with other people. I’m getting better at it, though. But because the child has unmet needs, listening to other people’s feelings becomes some kind of currency; you listen to others and you expect them to do the same, because you desperately need it. And when they don’t give back as much as you’d want, you’re crushed, again, and again, and again. I’m afraid to love because I know I have insatiable needs.
Thank you, you shed some light on my situation. And I think my father’s indifference was harmful to my mother more than to us (I mean, it was, but indirectly, as you explained).October 8, 2017 at 8:38 am #172171
I’m sorry it took me so long to reply. The truth is, sometimes, i’m very committed to my growth, and sometimes i am a little bit less. I’d rather not deal with these things and go through the motions, see some people, go to work, etc. It always does come back to me so maybe i should go through these things. Life urges me to live, though; people around me have no patience for my sad story, and i get that. I cover it up pretty well, and in time, i forget about it.
“I believe that a mother who spends a lot of time alone with her child, and who is and acts “too attached” to the child, is more harmful to a child than a father who spends way less time alone with the child and who is indifferent.”
I would love to hear more of your thoughts on this, in a more general kinda way.
I have good parents – they’ve always provided for me and my sister. They were here every step of the way. I always say, though, that they are pretty emotionally unintelligent. My mother is so invested in our lives emotionally that we’ve always spent more time reassuring her than living our lives. My father is just a very withdrawn man, who is pretty good at dealing with crises, but otherwise just quite…absent. I’m stressed out in situations when i’m alone with him cause we don’t share anything. I’m comfortable with sharing with my mother, but i honestly lost a lot of respect for her over the years because she is so selfish, and i was completely blind to that before.
Overall, they’re the unhappiest people I know. They are alcoholics, they hate each other (i mean, mostly, my mother hates my father), and they are very isolated. In general, I’m thankful for what they did for us, but very sad about the way they live their lives.
I blame them still for the fact that i’m unable to take care of myself. My sister is better at it than i am. I am prone to depression, and self-destruction. I think those are the main lines.
And linking it all back to the problem at hand…actually, i don’t think i can link it. There’s something missing in all this. I know that if i binge eat, it’s mostly due to fear. The fear of not having anything better coming ahead. The fear that, with this body, and this face, nobody’s ever going to love me.
That was quite long. Again, sorry for the late reply. I wish you a great day!October 1, 2017 at 12:01 pm #171175
I get a little bit lost in my thoughts and you go back to the issue at hand. It’s very helpful.
I remember when I was seeing a therapist, she made me write a letter to my younger self. I think the point was for her to see the evolution and to encourage compassion for myself. I really noticed then that I was hurt by my parents. Yet, if I’m not reminded of that often, I tend to forget, and just hurt myself on top of everything. It’s just mechanical. The only way I’ve found of dealing with my parents is to be as far as possible from them. I feel this might have been the reason why I travelled so much in the past three years. I’m quite restless.
But now obviously I want to settle. I’ve started having experiences of loving relationships, as you said, just very recently, with a couple of friends and my psychologist (this last one was obviously unilateral…I did have a sense of Agape when talking to her, and it made me feel safe and loved). The thing is, I think I’m still a child within, cause if I’m not reminded daily that I’m loved, by these specific people who truly love me, I just completely reject myself. My self-love is conditional.
I was wondering. Why do you assume my mother hurt me (and not my father)? It’s strangely true, I mean, my father hurt me as much but it doesn’t seem as significant.
Thank you, Anita!October 1, 2017 at 6:54 am #171107
Thank you very much for your reply to my post. I’m strangely happy when people understand what I’m trying to say. I mean, I don’t want anyone to feel that way, but I’m also aware that everyone carries their struggle.
The thing I find weird with self-love is that it’s so essential, as you said, and it should probably be instinctive…I mean, it’s a matter of survival. Yet none of use seems capable of it. I’m particularly bad at this. Everyone around me knows that; I’m a rather self-hating individual. It’s not even active self-hate. It’s not something that I’m trying to show to others; there’s no rebellion there. It’s just very obvious. I appear joyous and confident to the outer world, like, very confident, but everyone who knows me is shocked by the way i treat myself. You’re so right about it being a practice. You truly have to set self-love as a goal, daily, to try and get some of your self-esteem back. There’s this artist I love who once said: “there is no success. You have to start again, every day”, and I think there is so much truth to that.
As for the story, it’s here: https://tinybuddha.com/topic/guilt-guilt-and-guilt-post-breakup/
A long time ago! Thanks again 🙂October 1, 2017 at 3:25 am #171105
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful answer, as per usual. You’re quoting the Bible and this hits home for me, as you probably know.
A lot of people have linked my eating disorder to my past relationship. I always try to disconnect from it but the truth is, the way I behaved in this relationship is kind of an endless source of arguments for self-hatred. I don’t think about it consciously anymore. But some part of me believes that I am not made to be with someone.
It would be okay if protecting myself hasn’t become more damaging than…well, not protecting myself. I have ups in my life, but the downs are always right around the corner and are always linked to a lack of self-esteem, and, as a result, some form of self-destruction and a lot of escapism. I have trouble dealing with reality in general, the reality of love, the reality of life; that’s how I interpret my need for isolation. A long time ago, isolation was good and enjoyed. Now, as I’m watching others live and achieve, I just feel lonely. and underachieving.
I’m both scared that people will take too much of my time and space, and that they won’t and that I’ll end up alone. This is a paradox that I can’t seem to renconcile in my head.
Always so much fear. Thank you for being curious about my situation and for being willing to help because it’s as I write these things down that I realise how much fear there is in me! It obviously comes from the way I was raised. My parents are people who never allowed themselves to live. They don’t pleasure, they’re self-destructives (alcoholics and heavy smokers). My mother is too attached to my sister and I, whilst my dad has always seemed indifferent. I think maybe some of the paradoxes come from that.
Anyways, thank you so much, again. I am always appreciative of your help.September 11, 2017 at 2:13 pm #168346
You should describe yourself as a poet! Loved it.September 11, 2017 at 2:06 pm #168344
It means a lot, because you have a way of being real, and very objective. This is really what I need to keep sane sometimes. Take care!September 11, 2017 at 8:00 am #168308
So correct, on so many levels.
The behaviour is partly wrong, and then partly not wrong (especially when i’m eating when hungry, or eating so called “forbidden foods). So sometimes, not being okay with my behaviour is normal, and the behaviour should stop, as you said. But sometimes, it’s the judging that needs to stop, and the behaviour should be accepted. It’s difficult to navigate an eating disorder, cause it’s both bad habits and constant guilt.
Thank you, it put things into perspective.September 11, 2017 at 5:17 am #168264
I was reading your message and trying to look away – I’m still ashamed and I’m so afraid of judgment. But your answer was full of compassion and reason, and for that I thank you so much.
I did go and buy food. I didn’t really deprive him, but I was more ashamed of him finding out I eat cold food at inappropriate times, standing up in the kitchen. I don’t want him to think I’m a freak. It was such a ridiculous scene.
I’m trying to rationalise now and deal with just a little bit of shame.What you said really resonates with me cause I don’t think you can live without shame – it’s a good human emotion. But it needs to stay under control.
Thank you so much Anita!
TatjanaSeptember 11, 2017 at 1:36 am #168246
Just to continue on this thread, and because something quite shameful happened to me today, I’ve decided to vent a little. Just because I feel such shame that I can’t talk to anyone about it.
I’m staying at my friends’ place these days and anxiety has been building up. I’m going through a lot of (positive!) changes these days, but somehow that makes me freak out. And so today while my friends were out, I started eating leftovers from the fridge. My friend walked in on me. I was so, so ashamed, I tried to hide it, then I invented some stupid excuse. He was obviously not buying any of it, plus he knows of my problem because his girlfriend told him.
Now, if we were that close, I would talk to him. But I can’t. So we’re just here, in the same appartment, sitting in silence, and honestly shame is awful cause it makes me want to die.
So I know you’re supposed to go past shame. It’s really a major factor in self-destruction. But I don’t know how to deal with it. Anyone?
Thank you guys, I wish you a good day!July 28, 2017 at 8:42 am #160750
Also, may I just say, your commitment to this thread and to this site, is amazing and inspiring. Thank you for what you do for others.July 28, 2017 at 8:32 am #160746
Because I can relate to many things you said, I will assume things in my answer. Please do tell me if I’m wrong.
Anyway, I was raised by loving parents. I have a sister that I love. There were tough things in my childhood, but I believe this is true for everyone. My parents, in my early years, were particularly stressed, and even as a baby, judging from what they told me, I could feel it. They were never very good with pedagogy, but they taught me very important things (about helping others, mostly), and most of all, kept me very sheltered.
I am a very sensitive person because 1) that’s who I am; 2) my parents never encouraged independence. This led to me feeling very insecure about things I could and couldn’t do. Mostly I felt like I couldn’t do many things. Also, the tension between wanting to be my own person, my own selfish person at times, and wanting to be a good, helpful person, started building up.
I am a humanitarian worker. Just like you, I thought helping others was who I was, and I was terrified, and still am, of people seeing my true, sometimes ugly self. I spent my life giving love, on everybody else’s terms, and then resenting the fact that I wasn’t receiving it. Then I suffered my first break-up, and then I started suffering from various mental illnesses that were very self-destructive.
The reason for all this, the reason for depression, in my opinion, is the tension in your beliefs. You want to be loved, yet you think that’s completely incompatible with being a good person. Cause in your head, a good person is someone who gives, not someone who receives. I binge-eat to hold on to the rejection that makes me the “good” person that I am. The one that gives, and then self-destructs.
I don’t know how to overcome this. I know you’re not alone. And I know that the solution probably doesn’t lie in something very radical, or perfect. It’s about balancing these two things in your personality. You seem to be very self-aware, and you seem to actually care about other people. It’s not a big act, or a big lie; but the more you push love away, paradoxically, the more giving love will be draining and will seem like something you do just to feel good about yourself. It’s not. You are a caring person, accept that fact; but you’re also someone with needs. it’s not even a matter of “taking care of yourself”, being the best person you can be, etc. It’s a matter of, if you don’t do this, you won’t survive. So go deep. CBT is very good for these kind of things.
Please let me know if it’s unclear. I’m trying to organise my own thoughts and it’s actually good to talk to someone who seems to mirror some of my behaviours.
Good luck with everything. Take it slowly with that girl.July 27, 2017 at 11:05 am #160536
Thank you for your inspiring words. Discipline is necessary with the eating but also with everything else – the ultimate goal is not to stop the ED, but to be happy, to me. I will try and take more steps towards that goal. A while ago, I started journaling everything but I stopped. I feel that this could be helpful.
Thank you again, it means a lot 🙂July 24, 2017 at 2:41 pm #159952
All of this was so well thought out and intelligent, thank you so much. I need this in times of confusion.
I got all the right moves for a while there. I was enduring, as you said, and I was looking after myself with deep empathy, to the point where I cried about myself quite a few times. But then, I seem to forget. This is why I come here, in hope that someone will remind of the steps I need to take. I feel less alone, thank you.July 23, 2017 at 10:23 am #159728
I never thought of it that way! Never really studied the recovery process, I don’t know much about its phases…but what you say definitely makes a lot of sense. Moderation is a hard thing to achieve, especially in times when you have to shake up your routine. I tend to be a bit lazy with my efforts and my eating plan, and slip back really easily because I think I’ve got it all under control… actually, suffering from an ED probably requires constant diligence and vigilance. I definitely struggle with that.
Thank you for your advice!!