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Guilt, guilt and guilt (post breakup)

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  • #69642
    Tatjana
    Participant

    Hello everybody,

    My name is Tatjana, i am 22, and posting here is kind of my last resort solution to finally learn to let go. I’ve been reading tinybuddha for a while now, since i was dumped by my first girlfriend (yes, lesbian relationship here) 4 months ago.
    Now, i do believe that i am doing quite well in the breakup recovery. I’ve made some new friends, planed some trips, and sometimes, i don’t think about her anymore.
    The big problem is the guilt. I still feel guilty for everything. The relationship ended because my ex had had enough of my constant dissatisfaction, my constant asking for more, and my anger. I was so unhappy with my life when i was with her that i put all the responsibility on her shoulders when really, the problem came from me. What happened is that when she was away, i would freak out. I would cry so hard and would end up resenting her for doing other stuff than being with me. And i knew it was so wrong, it was a constant battle within myself. And then i would cry to her and she would be having a shit time because of me and I’d feel so guilty, even then. I was unable to stop this cycle of unhappiness, and gradually i asked for more proofs of love from her, for more enthusiasm, when really, she was pulling away because she was sick of it.
    Now that it’s over, i realise that i was so insecure it made me emotionally abusive to her, even though i always knew what i was doing was so wrong. So when she left me, the first thing i did was calling a counsellor in order to work on this insecurity. I am getting there, even though there is still so much to do.
    My ex is in love with someone else. At first i was angry, but then i realised that she got what she deserved: someone who loves her in a non-abusive, non-possessive way. But i keep on going on her blog, checking her social media, looking for a sign that she might have forgiven me. But it’s quite the opposite I find. She hates me, and wants to erase me from her memory. This makes me feel even shittier and guiltier.
    So i sent her a formal apology, and i wished her the best. She replied politely.
    I know i got what i deserved. I did not know how to love her and i screwed up big time. I try to rewrite the story for myself, telling myself that yes, i was possessive, but it was my first love and therefore it is normal to make mistakes. Especially since our relationship was gonna be long distance (i got a bit crazy at the end because we lived in the same country for a year and had to part ways in July…so i became even more possessive and stressed). But i also know i need to take full responsibility for hurting her, for making her feel unworthy, for blaming her when really i was the core of the problem.
    And between being empathetic with myself, and taking responsibility, i have trouble finding middle ground. I cannot find it. I keep on blaming myself for being this horrible, abusive monster.

    My family and friends are sick of hearing this story. They all see me as a fantastic person (really, i am surrounded by some great people), “slightly demanding and annoying” at times, but not abusive. For them, i just got crazy in this relationship but it’s not 100% my fault. And as much as i’d like to believe that, i cannot get past the fact that the person i hurt the most is the person i loved the most, and that does not make sense to me.

    Please, please, if anyone has been through something similar, help me. How do i let go from this feeling of guilt? Why am i so dependent on her forgiving me in order to forgive myself? And most of all, do i even deserve to be forgiven?

    Thank you, everyone!

    #69644
    Stephen
    Participant

    HI!

    I understand how you feel. I think that you are still determining your self worth based on someone else’s perception of you: you need her to forgive you so that you feel like you’re a good person again. I think this stems from your insecurities, and as you work on that, your self-worth will go up and you will realize that you can’t control what other people think of you, and then you won’t care so much! It may take a while, but your guilt should go away naturally with self-improvement.

    Taking responsibility for what you did means that you realize what you did was wrong, and you vow to try and not do it again. It doesn’t mean that you need to keep beating yourself up about it. It’s easier said than done, I know: I understand all about having insecurities, but try and leave it in the past, and make a better future for yourself. You deserve to be happy, but you’re happiness shouldn’t be based on the actions of another person.

    Peace ๐Ÿ™‚

    #69648
    Tatjana
    Participant

    Stephen,

    Thank you very much for your answer. Being dumped because of insecurities is so paradoxical and strange. Nothing shatters one’s sense of self-esteem more than being rejected, yet I need to be confident again in order to be truly happy. I was feeling pretty low already before the break up, but now it’s like starting from the bottom. I know it is a great opportunity, but it’s hard to look at it that way when I have to deal with so much pain.
    “Taking responsibility for what you did means that you realize what you did was wrong, and you vow to try and not do it again. It doesnโ€™t mean that you need to keep beating yourself up about it.”. Ha, my counselor keeps on telling me this. You’re absolutely right and it sounds like you’ve been through similar stuff, too. I will try to remember your words for when i feel stuck (which is about 50% of the time, still haha). Thank you, again.

    Cheers ๐Ÿ™‚

    #69651
    balancedojo
    Participant

    Hi Tati,

    I have been there – believe me! (you can read about my “dilemma” in a thread called “The long break-up”).

    The most important thing I want to tell you:
    Your neediness was nothing that came out of a bad intention or an “evil” heart and you were a “slave” to your ego that was fed by fear and anger.
    Don’t blame yourself anymore for what has happened and leave the past in the past, as you can’t change it anymore.
    Forgive yourself for what you (think) you have done, as you weren’t able to do it any other way.

    By doing this you allow yourself to heal from the wounds and your fear will slowly subside – yes, it sadly takes time!
    Give your heart, your mind and your soul time to heal.

    You made a horrible experience and the pain seems to be unbearable.
    Push through that pain!!!

    The truth is, that it is really all about self esteem and loving yourself.
    Because nobody else than you can really take on the responsibility of loving you.

    I found lots of help to understand my real underlying problems in the following book, that I can only highly recommend!
    – Nathaniel Branden, Six pillars of self esteem

    And if you like it a little bit more spiritual here is another recommendation that taught me a lot about the relationship between fear and love
    – Paul Ferrini, The gospel according to Jesus

    You are not alone in this and I can only second what Stephen wrote.

    Lars

    #69652
    Marko
    Participant

    Hey Tatjana =)

    I hope you are feeling better ๐Ÿ™‚ About 2 months ago I got dumped because I was insecure, jelous and not loyal to my ex. She gaved me everything I needed and I was verbally abusive to her until I kissed another. I still feel shame and guilt for my past actions. But really come to think of it I was the mayor problem trying to find peace and love from another not getting to know myself first. And it literally took me to my knees. But I know I will be ok and myself once more, after I find my inner self and peace within me, as you should. Just do the things you love, do daily meditation, treat people the way you want to be treated and smile even if there is no reason to! =)

    If you want to chat more about these subjects, contact me trough facebook: Marko Tomoviฤ‡.

    Best wishes =)

    #69663
    Tatjana
    Participant

    Lars- thank you for giving me a different perspective to all this. You are so positive! It did not come from an evil heart, you are right. But it still hurt someone. Thank you for your kind words and i will try to give some advice on your situation when I have more time. Also, thanks for the books! I was actually looking for something to read that would inspire me so that is perfect :).

    Marko- first off, are you from Balkan? Croatia, Serbia, anywhere? You are also super positive, you guys are very inspiring! You are embracing this time of grieving and that is quite impressive. I tried meditation but I find it very difficult to focus on my body without freaking out. I think I need some guidelines to learn how to do meditation so if you have any tips…:).

    #69670
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    We always hurt the person we love the most. Fear can be very evil & destructive to people we love but if we choose to love and conquer that fear, the obstacles of fear become less and less. If you act out of love, many blessings come your way, even if something does go wrong in your life. Something good will happen later on, good deeds never go un-noticed as the universe is always watching (or a higher god). Learn from your mistakes, forgive yourself and move on peacefully knowing that next time a special love comes your way, you won’t make the same mistakes again because you will be conscious, present and more in control of your emotions. Think really hard before you act and know that acting out of love instead of fear will bring more good, than doing the opposite, which is fear and anger. The next time you love another woman, you will be better prepared and won’t make the same mistakes again. Hold on to that love, embrace it, relish in it and make it the best loving relationship you’ve ever had in your life. A relationship takes a little work but if both people are loving each other equally the same, then there really is no WORK required, as the love that is being given out to each other is perfectly & equally balanced. Love is a special gift and some people will never know what love is and some people never get lucky to ever have such a strong love or be in love. So when and if it does happen again to you (finding a deep love) take that love and run with it! I wish you nothing but the best and I hope that everything work out for you. Remember; Be present, be conscious and be love and you’ll see your entire life change for the better. The universe bestows constant blessings on those who truly love and walk without fear. At least you are working on yourself and have taken partial responsibility. It means you are becoming all those things that I mentioned above, present, conscious and loving. From here on out Tati, your life is going to get better and better. Just don’t give up and give into fear anymore. Be proud of yourself and forgive yourself! You are doing a wonderful job so far. <3

    #69675
    Marko
    Participant

    Hey tati =)

    Yeah I am from the Balcans, Slovenian by birth but Serbian origins. ๐Ÿ˜€ I am a creative guy, focusing my time on positive messages, actions, being creative in dancing and drawing, so meditation is not so difficult for me. ๐Ÿ˜€ But I do understand you, not everyone can do the easiest thing like mediation. It is ironic: Meditation is simple but difficult at the same time.

    Meditation pointers, try this one it helps me: When feeling anger, stress or sadness, take a deep breath say in and deep breath out and say out ( Use your inner voice in you mind to say in and out when inhaling and exhaling ) ๐Ÿ˜€

    Or just try when ever your are feeling the burst of negativity, be in a standing position and use your arms to deeply enhale from your lower abdominal to your head, then deeply exhale from your head to your lower abdominal… ๐Ÿ˜€

    Main meditation consists of a quiet, noisless enviroment, containing you, your time, patience ๐Ÿ˜€

    You sit in a lotus postion, if you can,t just try to sit how ever you feel most confortably, leaning on a wall in a strait position, then you inhale until you can,t inhale anymore counting to 10 ( In seconds ), then you hold your breath for 10 seconds, and exhale for 10 seconds, using controlled counting and breathing…This will help you calm your whole body and your heart rate. Repeat it at least 5x times. Then after that try to focus on your breathing, it will be slow because of the pre meditation preparation, and just try not to have any sort of tought…And you can try to say ohmmm loudly or in your mind, and follow the sound of ohmmm…It is a strong sound using your vocal cordes trough vibration, try it for at least 15-20 minutes every day, when you open your eyes, you will be naturally more calmer, and trust me your day will be easy, and calm.

    Hope I helped a bit ๐Ÿ˜€

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Marko.
    • This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Marko.
    #69678
    Tatjana
    Participant

    ElleTinker700- I reread your post a few times and it is very painful for me because what you say is so true. I remember telling my ex “i have no fear, i have only love” so many times. What has been the hardest after the break up was realising that I was actually so paralysed with fear. I had a clear idea of what I wanted from love, and what it was, but just could not implement it. I was stuck with my insecurities even if I kept on telling her I had no fear. She ended up thinking I was manipulating her when really, I had no idea what I was doing or how to calm my anger and insecurities. So thank you, thank you for those last few sentences. They are so positive. It’s time for me to live by the “no fear, only love” rule.
    I will stick this to my wall i think: “Remember; Be present, be conscious and be love and youโ€™ll see your entire life change for the better. The universe bestows constant blessings on those who truly love and walk without fear. At least you are working on yourself and have taken partial responsibility. It means you are becoming all those things that I mentioned above, present, conscious and loving. From here on out Tati, your life is going to get better and better. Just donโ€™t give up and give into fear anymore. Be proud of yourself and forgive yourself! You are doing a wonderful job so far. <3”. Thank you so much.

    #69679
    Adam
    Participant

    Hey Tatjana!
    It’s ironic how our last resorts are usually the most helpful and I hope you find the answers you need on here. You know that you’re doing better and that’s good but you need to bring ALL the issues into the light. Step back and really look at what’s going on. Why do you feel the need to be dependent? What causes you to lose your temper? Everything happens for a reason and even though at times we hurt the ones we care about most, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that you’re responsible for how they choose to react to this experience. You need to forgive yourself for the blame you hold over your head and accept what has happened. You have the opportunity to make this a positive experience but only if you learn and grow from it.

    If you want to be a better partner you need to understand your weaknesses. When you depend on your partner to that extent you limit the relationship and put unnecessary pressure on it as well. A partner isn’t there to make you feel better about yourself, even though that feeling tends to come along with it. Having a partner is about sharing your love for each other, it’s about growing individually and as a couple, it’s about being brave enough to open yourself up completely to someone.

    We go through these things in order to learn and the biggest mistake we can make is to ignore that. Some people are in your life just to shake the foundation of who you are and break you down completely in order for you to build yourself back up. So, begin building yourself up! This is the chance to be the person you want to be. It’s your choice. Forgive the past and put it where it belongs; the past. Accept yourself, your past, and your weaknesses so that you can not only begin to find peace within but begin to work on those weaknesses as well. Empty yourself of all the guilt and stress and replace them with understanding and acceptance.

    This is your life. Enjoy every minute of it, share that enjoyment with anyone you can, and find happiness in the smallest things.

    I have complete faith that you can be the person you want to be. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to heal.

    thepathofaronin.blogspot.com is my personal blog. Use it if you need any help.

    #69681
    Tatjana
    Participant

    Marko- I am Serbian! That is crazy haha. I mean I’ve never lived there but my parents are Serbian…what a coincidence. Thank you for the meditation tips. Can’t wait to do the “ohmmm” sound thing. I spend a lot of time alone because I like it, but it usually involves music. I don’t really like silence…i probably need to try it more often. Thanks a lot :). I will try to make it a routine.

    Adam- What you just wrote really does hit home. I was telling myself just today that i should have registered on this forum earlier. You are all very inspiring. But most of all, you all give me a fresh perspective on things, so thank you. “Why do you feel the need to be dependent?”, another thing i thought about today…if i’m being honest, even if this was my first serious relationship, I felt that need before, with other people I loved. So there is a problem there. I’m addressing it with my counselor but I guess it takes time. “you need to bring ALL the issues into the light”, you are absolutely right. But there are so many, it seems. I guess the key is somewhere in me, though…thank you very much for these positives words Adam, i sure will check out your blog.

    #69682
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I’ve been the other person who was deeply hurt by someone who constantly lived in fear because of our love and was ashamed of me because she was ashamed of herself. So she hid me from her family, that was very painful but I will always appreciate the journey and be forever grateful for the love that we did share behind closed doors. I tried hard for 3 years to not let our relationship of 5 years go to waste, no matter the distance but It had appeared a few months ago that we were not on the same page anymore like we were when we were together. At least I can say that I did everything I could possibly do to save our relationship out of an act of love but it got turned around on me that I was a bad person for trying to save something that I believed was truly special. In the end, the truth hurts that the person I loved no longer exists and wants to walk the path of fear instead of love. Her hiding her sexuality and denying that she ever knew me to her family, along with other false accusations of me was the final nail in the coffin. I was emotionally exhausted after all these years and the stress of all these negative rumors started to affect me, so it was time to continue my journey of love in being true to myself and walk away from all the negativity and fear that was left behind. In order to stay true to my emotions, beliefs & identity, it was vital for me to disappear out of her life. I’m a person who wants to be welcomed in my partners family and not hidden from them because of shame. I wanted someone who was proud to call me the love of their life, like I used to call her the love of my life to my family and friends. So in conclusion, love is being open and not closed off to family and friends. I wasn’t used to having a girlfriend/lover hiding me from people. I had to do what was right, wish her well, thank the universe for the beautiful love we shared and the positive memories that we had when we were together and walk away knowing I was good person, even though she hated me and resented me later on for reminding her of her feelings towards me. I take my partial responsibility and she can take hers. Sometimes people come into our lives as lesson or a blessing. Take your pick but grow from it regardless and become better at mastering the real meaning of life and that is LOVE and to live honestly by being true to yourself.

    #69684
    Tatjana
    Participant

    I am so sorry to hear you’ve been through all this. You were incredibly perseverant through it all and were willing to fight for your relationship and that is a very beautiful thing. All gay couples struggle with the parent issue. I was lucky enough to have very understanding parents who did not keep me from loving. All you can do now, if you live by your LOVE philosophy, is probably to keep on growing like you are doing, and wishing for your ex to resolve her problems with her parents because it is gonna ruin all her relationships…like my insecurities ruined mine. So yes, you are right, those experiences are a lesson, and like Adam said so well, a break up can be a very positive time if we allow it to be just that, I guess. I hope all is well on your love journey ๐Ÿ™‚ <3

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