“You, Cali Chica are reading my words: attend to your well being, be it your number one priority. It is your first responsibility, it is what is right and just. It is not right for you to continue to sacrifice your well being for anyone.”

Thank you Anita – and I do hope to have you remind me this throughout my journey, I sure will need it.

Today, as you know, that doesn’t sink in fully – I can not force it to as it will take time sink in given that after 30 some years I am just starting to “see the light.”

Regardless – I will do a practice, in what ways will I make ME my number one priority right now?

-I will not answer the phone unless I have the time and energy ( this includes everyone outside my parents too)

-I will not feel the need to always have to explain myself if I have to say no to something, if I have limited time, or I do not want to engage socially.  my first responsibillity is me

-I will not let anyone guilt trip me, some people may be feeling down and insecure/caught off guard by me not being “always there”  – they may even say things like “oh haven’t heard from you — oh where you been”  –  this is not a direct attack on me.  I too am allowed space, just like everyone.  I allow myself permission to take time and mental space for me to heal.  If this catches people off guard so be it – good people will always understand, and my priority is me not them.

-I will not live a life of shoulds.  I don’t have to always be doing something, talking to someone, helping someone, or being engaged period.  I should do nothing more than what i need to do for my own mental peace and sanity, that’s it.  That can mean whatever it does during that moment.

-I will not look at the way others treat me as a reflection of myself.  I know my anxiety creeps into lesser things such as friendships and all when it is not focused on parents.  If someone at work, or in personal life is not acting in a manner that I expect or is “acceptable” that is on them.  I do not need to internalize all that is around me.  every battle out there is not  mine to fight.  i have enough on my plate and my priority in my heart right now is healing, listening to myself, and allowing mental space. my JOB is not to be “mrs. always in touch – mrs. always responsive – mrs. can do it all”

my mother gave me these jobs because she could not do them herself.  well i resign.