Hi Joanna,

I have been reading your posts, and I hope you don’t mind if I jump in for a moment. Then I will leave you alone. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder as well as Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder and severe anxiety disorder. I too used to self-harm. I also, for several years had such terrible, debilitating panic attacks, I would wake up every morning on the dot at either 2am or 4am sweating and thinking my heart would pound out of my chest. Or I would be driving too work, and start to hyperventilate, get neauseas and turn around and have to go home. I lost many, many jobs.

This is a disorder that can’t be willed away. No amount of meditation will help, it can’t be “snapped out of”. I had to have five to 10 years of DBT therapy, CBT therapy and Schema therapy. Sometimes this therapy would be done inpatient because of trips to ER for self-harm. It does not go away. I was out on Topamax for emotion regulation, Klonopin 2mg in morning, 2mg at Bedtime for Panic and anxiety disorder, Wellbutrin 300 for motivation just to get out of bed. Remeron 45mg when I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation in 2005, which I still take, it brought me out of the deepest, darkest depression I ever had. I also take Busphar, for racing and intrusive thoughts. I was in intensive Psychotherapy. They will put you on the right medication that will work for you and put you on a treatment plan that will work for you. For people that self harm, DBT therapy and Schema therapy is often used with medication..you will feel better, not “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, religion, meditation, you tube videos and so on, but real professional help and medication. I have been there and still attend therapy sessions and 12 step support programs. 1 out of 5 people have mental illness. Some never ask for help. It is not who you are, it is part of you. It is curable, but only with a treatment program, with a qualified trained therapist. You will get better. It is not a character weakness to be on medication and therapy. You will feel so much better. Have a great weekend. x