Thank you Anita, I just landed after 5 hour flight and I had not read your above post.  What I did do was write out what came to mind and reflect on some old posts between us. Here it is what I wrote on the plane. I will then reflect on your above post and write based on that tomorrow. I do wish to continue to write on this while I’m away as it will be a good daily reflection.

Dear family,

You say: Go Have fun. Don’t worry – but I dunno how I’m going to be. But don’t worry about me- sniffle.

So what you did and continue to do-It worked before my whole life because I would naturally do what you said. Of course it worked. Didn’t have to be told. But what about when I saw the truth. When I saw it was perjury. That it was wrong.

I’m here all alone, so don’t worry about me have fun. Don’t worry I’ll just be standing here all alone, but make sure YOU Have fun.

Don’t worry everything is fine. Just keep checking in on us incessantly so that you can not relax for one second.

I want to run I want to escape. I wanna go to a mountain and throw my phone and scream and say take care of yourself. You’re Alive. You’re a human just like me. I am not more capable- of caring for you.

I suffer. I have pain. I can’t sleep. I die inside everyday but I rise above because I am super. More super than anyone. But only because I don’t know how not to be. Not because I am superior. I don’t know any other way – I don’t know how to be un-super. I don’t know how to be aloof boring uninterested unconcerned. I want to not care (sometimes). I want to shrug my shoulders sometimes. I want to say I don’t know and I don’t care. I know why I always have something to say and always have an opinion, it’s not just because I’m mirroring My mothers narcissism. It’s because I have had to -I had no choice. What do you think about this? What should we do about that? What to do in this scenario?Save us. Save us. We are drowning save us. Of course I always have an answer. If not me, then who had it for you?

Well you never learned to swim. You never even jumped in to swim, nor got lessons. And now I’m the lifeguard. I’m your lifeguard.

I want to emancipate. I want to fly. I want to feel light. I want to jump and fly. Well I don’t even know if I want it (because what does it feel like?). But I know I can’t go on like this anymore.

You think it’s benign and innocent what you do. Look at me with your stupid sad eyes. Save me, I’m helpless.
Well it’s not innocent – its a curse. It’s a burden. Yes you’re a burden. You’re a drag.

I thought to myself what if I just stop. You won’t die. You’ll be angry and more “alone” in your head. But I am not the oxygen that you need. I am me.

You think you aren’t self centered. How can someone be self centered when they suffer? What a concept!
Well because if all you’ve ever known is how to play victim, it is truly only about you. That by nature is self centered. After a while the role gets old and draining. After a while no one wants to listen and people stop feeling bad. You’re just pathetic after a while.
So yes you are self centered. But more so-you are abusive to me as a result.
No I don’t want you to explain how you feel to me for trillionth time.
For, my whole life consists of trying to understand you. I frankly know how you feel. Because you feel insane, because you are insane. Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results – insane.
So understanding insanity does not lead to any enlightenment for me. I choose not to “understand” it. For, attempting to has only brought me to insanity.