Dear Anita,

You are right she doesn’t need me, I think that I was thinking about the term need in a false sense. When you think about need you think of a child that needs his mother for love compassion and nutrition. When I think about need I think about Bodhi who needs me for his ability to survive on a daily basis. Although this may be a primitive need it is still quite Omnipresent in our society today of course.

When I think about my mother and I think about what you said, she doesn’t need me and in fact when she states she does and I fulfill this ever so elusive “need” of hers it is never enough.

She needed me to find the perfect guy so that she could fill this checklist in her brain and show off to society how perfect her daughter is. When I found this person, she THEN needed him to fulfill her every wish and desire She had. Then she NEEDED to have his family mold to her every want and need. When she communicated with them and collaborated with them, she THEN needed them to be something totally different and needed them to pretty much disappear from my life.
I see the pattern the need may seem like it’s always there but it is ever-changing so it is not a need at all. I don’t know what I would call it but it is almost like this empty bottomless pit that she wants to have filled but given that it has no bottom – it will never be filled it will never be full it will never be complete it will always be empty. In fact the more that you try to throw things down into this abyss – it just creates garbage on the other and accumulating in no substantial fashion and it hurts the minds and bodies of those attempting to throw any sustenance down there.

The concept of that I actually need them is new to me. And I will reflect on this. Yes so much of my role has been of this power. But to be quite honest I may have thought of this as a sense of pride in prior years but now I look at it as a sense of shame. I look at others who do not have to hold this super power strength or what have you, and I think that I would rather just be simple and have none of this burden. I know that they will kick and scream when I try to take this power away. They already do if they even sense me rescinding just a little bit like prior to the wedding. they kick and scream and cry and make threats- make threats that their physical health is failing -make threats to cut me off just to then stalk me. Threaten to badmouth me to their family members but then try to get their family members to convince me how great they are. This was just one they sensed a slight disconnect not even a full disconnection from them.

For they come to me with anything and everything like drowning children they are 5 feet deep in the water And they look at me and say what should I do?!! and I instantly say well cut off the anchor that is tying you down 5 feet under and making you drown. then you will rise to the top and be able to breathe.
They say OK that’s a good idea. And proceed just to do it again.
Now I think why did I have to tell them that is what one should do?! Why should anyone have to tell them? For what reason. To accommodate the same cycles of distress over and over. The more I allow indecency the more I become indecent.

What resonated with me the most is you saying about for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This is so incredibly true and I reflected on all the times that this happens in my life in huge ways and on a daily basis. For example before I got onto my flight my mother called to tell me that my father was OK and that will he will be discharged home from the hospital. She then went on to ask some questions about my trip, but her mind was elsewhere of course she truly didn’t care what I had to say. She then had instant word vomit: “OK well that all sounds good but make sure you call me every day, have fun and relax and don’t worry about us but be sure to check in.” And when you return let’s plan for you to have a visit. Oh and make sure you follow up on that job interview that’s close to our home, your father and I were discussing and think that’s the best option for you. But of course you decide. “

Therefore saying that I will incessantly suffocate you while you are on this trip with my endless desire for you to be in contact with me. And am waiting for the chance to pounce on you when you return.

I took this in and I turned off the phone and I went onto the plane, I wrote the above post because that is what came to me. Naturally I would have listened to her, she loves having pictures and updates when we are away, she thrives for the stuff. But I don’t want to and I didn’t need to. I don’t want to call her every day and check in and tell her how much fun I’m having because by sharing with her I have less fun. That may sound very simplistic but it is so true and so innate.
Part of this vacation is for me to mentally detach and how —by trying to continue to reinforce this Umbilical cord that you have attached to me over and over with 1 million sutures how will that allow me any freedom.

Going back to your saying about every action and reaction. It would also have been natural for me to tell my husband hey my father is doing well why don’t you give him a call and check in with them they will like that. And of course in many families this would be normal -an elder has a procedure or surgery and the daughter and son in law check in. Sure.

Sure. But, this is not a normal situation and what it is – is reality and horrific. Sure is my husband capable of making a five or 10 minute phone call? Yes. But I no longer want to live based on what we are capable of, I want to live based on what we WANT to do.

If I had told him to do this he would have easily (despite all the abuse from them over the last year to me and directly to him and his parents). but then after he got off the phone he would’ve also had a deep sense of feeling of creepiness the same that I do, of them constantly trying to drag us down: hello thanks for checking in have a fun trip make sure you call us make sure you visit after make sure you don’t move far away make sure this make sure that make sure us us us us us.

All for what? To fulfill our duties as children. Of course, but what is that duty when it is abuse? what is that duty when just two days ago when I called you pretty much cursed me to the gods but then now think that everything is OK. My father tells me after the procedure that my mother was emotional and that she may say things like that but I should listen to her kindly in moments of distress, I should not talk back to her when she says such things to me because she is stressed out, she doesn’t mean them. I should learn to listen and only talk to her with a kind and nice voice because she is my mother after all, and she has done so much for me.

Sure. So I take disrespect as a duty? Because you gave birth to me so as a result I must endure. Thanks for letting Me know. I’ll be sure to adjust accordingly. At your service my dear parents.

Nope…