So I will continue because this just came to my mind after I posted above. I am alone with my thoughts today in a wonderful environment so I am allowing them to flourish, as I do not have to give myself constraint of having to be somewhere else. I will let my mind flourish and I will let a lot of these repressed feelings come out as they wish.

So knowing all the above, what would make me want to reach out to them? If I put it simply what would make me do what I always do —check in with her on vacation/continue the normal sense of contact.

Maybe a sense of guilt, a sense of deep horrific fear that if I do not keep in touch with her for the next 10 days or so she will have a meltdown when I return, and in order to avoid that it’s good to just do the bare minimum and check in? This is the natural way that I have been prone to thinking over the last year or so when her abuse has become pretty bad. But if I truly think about it and especially look at some of the text messages that have been quite abusive over the last year.
Were any of my actions preventative?
Every time I tried to do something or the bare minimum just to avoid some horrifying meltdown after, didn’t she just go on and have a horrifying melt down anyway! Nothing I did matter. The result was always the same!

So the thesis is that no matter what I do or don’t do, what I say or don’t say, who I’m with or not with, what I feel or don’t feel —she will always be the same. she will continue to go up and down, curse me then cry to me, be happy ,be miserable, feel like she’s losing her mind, be ecstatic with glee —all of which has nothing at all to do with my actions.
Maybe I am small minded to think that I still have any Role in this.
By accommodating her and giving into such things such as contact and keeping in touch during vacation (or anything at all) I still feed the beast and allow it to be quelled at least momentarily (or so I think!).
By thinking that – I essentially feel that I may have some power to prevent this beast from becoming a monster.
But this beast is by nature a monster! whether you feed it or whether you let it starve whether you tranquilize it for a day or provoke it it is all the same. The monster is a monster at the end of the day. Now and forever.

Many would think that I would already have a deep understanding of this. Prior to my husband proposing to me about two years ago, my parents threw so many tantrums and caused me so many issues that I had severe physical symptoms that I have explained to you before. My dear husband finally managed to pull off a fantastic proposal that was above and beyond any girls expectation or dreams. It was truly special, however 24 hours after it – when we been celebrated with friends and family back home, she created another enormous tantrum and took away any ounce of happiness that I might have gained from all that he planned for me. A very special moment in a young woman’s life instantly squashed.

I was in tears from that moment for a week straight going back to the same physical symptoms again. Yup back to the terror instantly! Something that should be someone’s happiest time, was instantly removed from me and once again miserable and terrible and torturing. The next time I saw my fiancé after that proposal was a few days later, and I was in so many tears that I was uncontrollable and hysterical. The look of sadness on his face I could never forget, he said that —we went through so much just so that we can finally get engaged and I did it! I pulled it off magically and I wanted you to be the happiest girl in the world. and it did! It went perfectly and now what?!! I feel truly an utterly defeated I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have nothing left. “. Those were his words. Something died in him that day, and it has never come back.

You would think that that would’ve been a pivotal moment for me. You would think that that would make me say you know what enough is enough even after all that torture we finally got to this pinnacle milestone for us -that made everyone happy, me, you, my parents your parents —but she still had something wrong she still found a way to torture us she still found a way to take any ounce of joy from everything. I will no longer let her have that power over me and over us.

But I didn’t.

I succumbed. I allowed her indecency to then make me indecent. to make me then also a negative abuser of my husband. My husband was defeated that day and lost apart of him, and then I continued to beat him down. My mom was angry so then I was angry and projecting onto him. Each action had an equal reaction onto another.
We fast forward now two years later after going through so much with the wedding planning of the wedding itself.
And I am sitting here today with my thoughts to myself, and it is still difficult for me to let it all sink in. I understand like you said that it is very difficult especially the relationship between a mother and child, to truly admit to yourself wow all this truly means that my mother does not love me for she is really not capable of love. I do believe that my mom is a sociopath and she is unable to have any true feelings of love for another person, I do believe that someone like her should never have had a child, and I also do believe that just because that she has given birth to me -it is not my birthright to automatically be a victim of abuse.

But still it is hard for me to have that “ah ha” moment and just say nope no more – it ends right now. Completely.