Hello Anita,

I managed to write for one hour again, but not much. Maybe next time I will try to write a little earlier in the day. Too often I distract myself and waste a lot of time. It has happened today. Sometimes I put my cable for internet access into my letter box, so I can’t use the internet too easily (I know, it’s probably a little weird). I think I will put it there every night from now on and hopefully I will become more productive then.

I’m not sure if I tried hard enough. I’m not very disciplined. Maybe for some days I can stick to a new habit, but then somehow I’m back to the old problems. Distracting myself through media is a big problem, it has been for years. When I waste a day in front of the computer, I feel bad about myself. Most of the time I don’t even enjoy it, while I’m at it.

But at least I felt a little better during the last days. In the weeks before I was really not in such a good place mentally. It really helped writing about it. Thank you and Mark for taking the time to read and reply!

About me and other people. I have never really been much of a people person. In school I was not very much liked, in my early twenties I thought I’m better off alone (I always had a few close friend though). Just in the more recent years I realized how important friends are for me. Luckily I have found a few very good ones in the city I currently live. I have one very close friend and some others I get along well with.

When I watch my friends I see that they have far less problems in setting boundaries and saying no. For example one friend and I were at an exhibition of our artwork, when one person asked us questions about the artwork, but in a sort of rude way. While my friend remained short-spoken I was answering his questions, trying to be friendly.

I like to be friendly to others. But of course you can’t be friendly to someone who mistreats you. With that ex I realized that he was treating me badly, but I also doubted my own judgement. It was such a crazy relationship, I’m still confused and ashamed of it…

In therapy we came to the conclusion that I should think more about what I want, instead about what others want. I’m seeing things a bit clearer now, but I still am not good at saying no or standing up for myself. Maybe it takes more time.

Lily