Dear Anita,
“You took it upon yourself, as children so often do, to rescue the parents so that they will be able to survive so.. that you will be able to survive. Point is, they, neither your mother nor your father saw the little girl Cali Chica as a lifeguard. Neither one saw you as their rescue. They still don’t.”

Yes I did take it upon myself. And I still do. And yes, they do not see me as a lifeguard. They never did. And never will. In fact they don’t see ME.

“They don’t value you as a person but as a mean to an end“

This is so apparent in even the smallest ways. Before I came on this trip a few weeks ago (we are With 2 other couples, 6 people) my mom had asked who is going and what we will do. I had mentioned that it is a ski trip, but I will likely do yoga and relax during the day. She states oh yes skiing, other people liek your friends enjoy that.
No understanding that my husband himself is a huge ski lover, and I have enjoyed it since trying it too. She only sees herself. (WE) don’t ski. Not me. But her. She doesn’t know where she ends and I begin.
It was Infuriating during the wedding planning time (and mind you these details about wedding decor/ideas I could care less about- more the concepts). She would always interject if someone was asking: what color? Or what food? She would quickly say oh we don’t like that, we prefer this. Often I would look at her and say well that’s not true. YOU don’t like that. I and my HUSBAND do. She would not let this process for even a second (incapable of even allowing it to absorb). She would quickly deflect and say oh well I just thought this. Or make a silly statement.

It happened so many times that it was so apparent to me (and my husband) that she is living life thinking I and others around her are puppets to get to her master decision/plan/outcome.
Funny thing is – if and when we do get there….It’s like it doesn’t even matter. For she is now onto the next thing. What an exhaustive way to live. Not for her. But for those around her. ME.

She doesn’t value me as a person, just a means to an end. Someone to make herself feel better about if she is feeling low. Someone to show off about if she feels Inadequate. And someone to put down when she wants to project misery.
Never to think what does calichica want? Well OF COURSE she wants X. That’s how she was raised.
And if she doesn’t want X anymore. It must be because someone brainwashed her to not want it. (Someone like her husband) because the daughter I know would always want and love X.

I had difficulty with this concept about a year ago because I believed her. I too thought, yes wow have u changed and become brainwashed? Do I no longer value things that I was raised to value. Oh no am I CHANGING?!!

Now I see:
1) I sometimes don’t even know what I truly want because it is so tainted by her voice and her lack of differentiation between her and I.
2) and so be it! Say I did Change and so did my preferences. I am allowed to. I can grow. And this isn’t a slap in her face. Growing and changing is beauty and life, it is not a direct disrespect on another (especially not a parent like her). How dare she try to inhibit my growth and make me feel guilty for growing in directions she can no longer understand or fathom. In directions that don’t SERVE her.