Bryan,

Thanks for commenting on this post and sharing your story. Please could you start your own post on one of the forums and share your story there? This means that members will be specifically replying to your situation, as this thread is about what’s happening in my life at the moment. I would try and give advice, but at the moment I myself am at a very confusing crossroads time and therefore seeking advice on here. Thank you.

Anita,

Thank you for saying that. I think especially now I really need to start making choices that I know will better my life. I do need some practical advice from others, as at the moment I am just staying in bed all day trying to find motivation to carry out my goals, even doing small things like going to the shops to buy food. Part of the reason I feel so trapped is because I have an inconsiderate housemate (who I mentioned before) who keeps me awake until 4 in the morning, and therefore it means I sleep through my alarm and sleep to the afternoon. I really want to try and wake up earlier, and put steps towards my goals. I really need genuine advice and support to do this. I’ve been putting on gigs, but still that’s me doing things for other people and not putting myself first. Lots of bands are messaging me but I can’t find the energy to reply as I really don’t know what my next step is. I want to move to a different house, yet at the same time because of my current living situation I feel really unmotivated so it’s like a catch 22. I really need to break free from this cycle.

These are the things that I am thinking about:

1. I’m not sure if I should stay here and work on getting healthier before moving, or try and move asap so I am out of this situation.

2. I’m not sure if I should try and go back to my current work where I am unhappy, and try and be healthy there, and then save money to move to Bristol, or if I should move to Bristol and find a job there.

3. I’m not sure if I should put this gig on in March, as it would make me look good as a promoter, but at the same time I need to sort my life out and focus on where I want to be instead of focusing on bands.

I’ve been thinking about these questions for over a week, looking at Angel Numbers, tarot cards etc. And I still can’t see a way out due to financial stress.

Any advice is really appreciated. Please feel free to see what I have written to Peter and reply to that too.

Peter,

No worries, thanks for listening to what I had to say and thanks for seeing things from my perspective, and labelling the message 🙂 I do appreciate your views on faith, doubt, change etc. And I do agree with you – I do need to accept change. At the moment life has pushed me to a place where I really do need to make a change and start living for me, instead of resisting change and hiding away in my room depressed and unmotivated. Please could you read what I wrote to Anita, and give me some practical advice about those situations too?!

I think at the moment I am scared….. I am scared to sort out my bedroom and sell things and look at old photos and notes etc. because doing so means I have to face all those emotions that I have felt in the past. Like I have to confront the person I was and what I have been through and it all isn’t nice. Therefore I don’t look at it because it reminds me of family, parents, old friends etc and all of it is just emotional overload. Even waking up and stepping outside and going in to town…..It’s almost like I feel guilty for simply living my life or being confident or free because my parents never had that freedom, and deep down my soul thinks, well if they can’t have it, why should I? They always said I was so lucky to have the things I did and looked sad because they didn’t have it and made me feel guilty 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 It’s bad because of that guilt I feel, and because they made me feel sorry for them so much, it’s like when I’m presented with the unknown I refuse to take it because in the back of my mind I feel so sorry for my parents not having these opportunities – yet at the same time it’s their own abusive behaviour that has held them back from that. I guess deep down I feel responsible for it all, and I really feel like a massive moral weight is on my shoulders.

I feel guilty for taking steps towards my own self-care/ self-love/ putting myself first because my parents never did and never could, and never taught me how to. I can’t remember one time as a child or growing up where I was just allowed to be happy or at peace as everything me and my sister did was wrong, and so I find it really hard to find peace and happiness in the present, without being hard on myself. It makes me want to cry so much. I’ve been to therapy but I couldn’t talk about it because the feeling is so indescribable, it’s like being morally and soulfully contracted to carry out a life under their pains and misery, and feeling like I am harming them if I choose to love myself and therefore cut them out of my life etc. It’s the worst feeling in the world.

Cat

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Cat.