Hello Anita,

I think the problem with that man was, that I was doubting my own judgement. I felt that what was happening was not good and that it was an unhealthy relationship. So I tried to end it, but he always came back  like nothing serious had happened. And I opened my door for him because I felt guilty, I hoped we could talk things out and fix it. I wondered if I was the abusive one. The situation was very crazy.

If it is clear to me that someone is behaving rude, I think I would react differently. I feel confused just writing about it.

When I was a child I felt more like my problems at school (primary school until about the sixth grade) were hurtful to me. I remember once a child called me a “Missgeburt” which means a “creature born with severe birth defects” (I used wiktionary to help me translate). A teacher heard it and was shocked, but I told her that it is o.K. I think I didn’t want to be seen as a tell-tale?

I was probably an easy target because I was a crybaby and had weird glasses and clothes. Back than I thought people din’t like me because of the way I looked. (Now I like the way I look) Later I thought it was because of my character.

In my family things were also not perfect. I didn’t get along especially with my father and sister. I felt that I even hated them! My relationship with my mother and brother was more distanced. My brother is five years younger than me and we were not close until later. My mother, in my opinion was overstrained with household and the family. She also worked. And I think our family was not what she had imagined her family to be like.

A big thing between me and my parents was that they are very religious, but I wasn’t. Even as a young child having to go to church felt like a burden to me. Everything about religion felt like a duty and burden. As my father is a pastor it was especially difficult because “what would people say?”.  I felt like I was forced having to go to church, to bible studies, church choir, church youth group trips, having to go through confirmation… I did those things, but I passionately hated religion as a teeanager. I rebelled in secret throwing a bible away or watching horror movies…

They still give me religious books and calendars as presents. I guess they want the best for me, but what if I gifted them “The God Delusion” by Richard Dawkins, wouldn’t that be disrespectful?

But o.K., it’s not a big problem anymore. We mostly don’t talk about this any more. If their religion makes them happy, good for them. And for the most part, they leave me alone with it.

My relationship with my father and sister was difficult. For a long time my sister and I shared a room and we didn’t get along well. When we fought, my sister went to my father and he was always on her side (that’s how I remember it anyways and even my mother said that she was my father’s favorite). She also got on my nerves because I was her big “role model” and she wanted to do everything that I did. But I wanted to do things for myself, play by myself have a hobby that she wouldn’t pick up immediately. I was also a pretty difficult child I guess, clearly not a saint. I hit my siblings and insulted my parents and cursed like a sailor (I reread my diary from that time and felt pretty ashamed – I guess I was trying to be strong and confident – I thought being loud meant being strong – I didn’t want to be nice).

But back then I fought back. Even if it probably wasn’t in the best way. I don’t know when that changed?

My father and I didn’t get along at all. He is a very headstrong person,not very open-minded, but I also sense some sort of insecurity behind his display of strength? He used light physical punishment like spanking, slaps in the face or headslaps, nothing very serious, but I don’t think it’s good to do this to physically less strong children (or anyone). Also the things he said were hurtful. When he talked about my friend and I he once said “the two fatties” (I was only a bit chubby for a time around age 12). Or in my diary I wrote about an episode. I had accidently dropped eggs to the floor, then I didn’t clean them up properly. My sister told my father and he called me “the dumbest child”. I think you can make a child clean up their mess without resorting to insults. Not sure, I was surely not an easy child to deal with… But I felt like they only saw the bad in me, like I was the evil child or black sheep. Once I went to a doctor and the doctor later told my mother what a nice girl I was. My mother said that she doesn’t know how I usually am.

I didn’t really trust my parents and didn’t want to have anything to do with them when I was a child or teenager. Now we get along better. Especially my mother has changed a lot, she seems much happier with herself now. My father and I also get along better. I think it is also because I’m a bit more reasonable now. I surely was not very nice as well, insulting my parents or hitting them back.

But I feel like I’m back at pitying myself… I know others have it worse. And maybe I should focus more on the present?

Lily