Hey there Mark,

Right i get you, yes that seems to make a lot of sense, i do that quite often when i am very upset i say such deep deep things about my childhood to reflect upon how i am as a person today, if that makes sense? I do put my hands up and im not proud of it but i do suffer from emotional tantrums and they are so hard to control, i have been trying though. I will become hurtful and play the victim ( which in my relationships case most of the time i am) and say things such as ”the only man who ever accepted me or loved me was my dad, but hes dead and if i could take his place i would” I guess its still overcoming his death and the fact that he was the only man whom accepted me knowing i wasnt his, he gave me everything, never lied or mistreated me either. When i was going to the councillor she told me when i felt that this emotional tantrum would arise that i should leave the room, breathe and practice mindfulness. That did NOT help lol, when i am in that state of mind it is very hard for me to calm down then and there, i need at least half n hour, i found that going for a walk helped massively and phone on silent. Once ive calmed down i feel so embarrassed for the way i acted and then coming home to someone who doesnt even want to speak to me just makes matters worse. Ive said to him before, all i want is a hug, a touch, a sense of calm and ill be fine ill snap out of it, but i think its too much to ask.

Yes a very destructive pattern im afraid, every man i have dated has had issues with parents or disabilities, a bit like me. 1st one – Divorced parents, didnt get on with any of them, Dad and mum started a new family and he wasnt involved. 2nd one- His mum left him and his brothers when he was around 8 and never returned, left to be raised by the dad whom he loves but didnt do a very good job. Current bf – Never knew real parents, adopted at 5 and has issues with all his family as he is a closed book.

I have helped all of my partners go through things mentally, and in turn i am now mentally unstable.. ironic?