Dear Anita,

I have enjoyed writing both the previous posts, and I am glad that you have enjoyed reading them.

I had a conversation with a colleague/friend yesterday that was quite pivotal. It is similar to what you have been pointing out to me over the last month – and I think it may have finally hit.

He was asking me how things have been going (he is well aware of details of family issues and all – a very close person to me). I started telling him a little about my father (recent cardiac issue) and sister, etc.
He then interjected and stated, “okay – but how are you?” i said…”i guess fine – i mean better as I took a break from talking to them extensively over the week on vacation.”

i then continued. he then stated “okay – but how is your marriage.”
similarly I said: “yes..things are going better, since i’ve been able to detach more from the family issues, and create more boundaries.”

he then repeated: “okay i get that, but how is your marriage?”

I realized something at that point, something that he was trying to get at – and out of me.

My ENTIRE definition of how I am, and more so, how my marriage is – is dependent on my family.

It is the state of my mind, and thus, the state of my marriage. Sure this makes sense given the torture and horror that has been let alone the last year (not to mention years and years of imprinting and abuse).

But I see how you have been mentioning 1 vs. 2. 1 being biological family, 2 being the family I chose (my husband and future).

I see now that – I have not shifted my attention to #2. Yes, I have been working on dealing with #1, and that is not a short term affair, it is a long term ongoing burden. (even if one goes no-contact, as you deal with recovery and healing from the trauma.)

I know this is not easy for me, or someone like me, as my life is INUNDATED with my mother and also what I realize now (sister) too. But I also know that I can actively make a choice to shift attention.

I know it is time to do so…and I will first allow myself to do this, by expressing it here.

Anita, I would like to open up to you about my relationship. I know you have heard bits and pieces in regards to the saga that is my parents. I also know my sister has alluded to some troubles that are similar to what we have in other parts of our life – of course patterns exist. No better quote exists for the relationship I have had with my husband than:
“for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”
When you wrote this, it did start the wheels churning in my head in regards to this epic concept in my life. Yet, it is only now that I want to actively pursue uncovering it.

I will post later today about some concepts that I feel are relevant. Right now I do feel stuck in regards to that. I will not force it, I know it will flow with time (just as my previous posts you enjoyed did – these took time, patience and learning).

what I will say is that I do feel angry. I do not feel angry about: “why would my parents say this to me, or why would they treat me this way, why don’t they understand.”
Instead I feel angry that I am so tortured and traumatized by all of it – that I suffer. I do not deserve to suffer, and I will take every measure I can to promote diminished suffering, so that I may begin to heal.

I also know that until I begin to suffer less, and heal, my relationship too will suffer. I have seen the beginning of hope, change, and resilience within us. I am married to a patient, resilient, and understanding man – more than any human I have ever met. But – he is still human, and he is not a punching bag. I vow to not treat him as a punching bag anymore, by developing healthy habits – but more so, I vow to not receive these punches from my family. Punch and shoot they will, with all of their might, but i have to deflect with my shield.

soon enough I will begin to process of truly focusing on my marriage #1 before all. It will be an ongoing process to remind myself of such.

yes, i do feel angry that I have not been able to for so many years, and even still. when someone asks me how long I have been married (5 months) I have to stop and ask myself. Yes, because it has been very hectic – but more so because we aren’t the newlyweds that are focused on ourselves and starting this new chapter, instead we are distracted and inundated by everything else..