Dear Anita, I thought of you today and I couldn’t wait to get home and put my thoughts into words. I realize something about myself today that I know is pretty deep rooted in my upbringing. It is something that I always valued as a great quality about myself, but now I am seeing it is also something that can be very exhausting and self-deprecating. I had a job interview today that was quite unpleasant, the reason I say this is not really about the job itself but more about the way I was treated. The details of this are not truly important, what is more so is that my gut feeling was true. Halfway during the interview I realized that it wasn’t really a positive and healthy environment for someone like myself, and so I didn’t want to continue into the second portion of the interview segment. Normally I would think that something like this would be rude and unprofessional, you should always see everything through, you should never stop short, you should always begin anything that you started and not quit. Of course you should go into portion one of the interview and also portion to, you have had this great opportunity why would you not take advantage of it I would say. But I realized today that what is most important in life is gut feeling and intuition. and so I went with that and I did not continue to pursue this current position.

The point of my story however isn’t really about this interview or about jobs at all, it is how difficult it was for me to accept what my gut feeling was telling me. It is about how difficult it was for me to say to myself you know what this feeling really sucks! I’m going to honor that and because it is a true feeling it is valid and I respect it. Instead on the contrary I felt that I had to justify it to myself, and in fact I thought that I should be more accommodating. I realize this was the key factor: it wasn’t that I was allowed to just be feeling kind of crappy about the situation. Nope. Not that simple. Instead : more about how can I deal with it. How can I deal with it. What a concept. Doesn’t this sound familiar? Coming home now and be able to sit down and really put these thoughts together this concept does sound very familiar. Looking back to my life, I couldn’t change my mom or her behavior I just had to deal with it. I couldn’t change the negative effects it had on me I had to learn how to deal with it. Did I ever in any of these years just throw my hands up and say enough is enough this is terrible and annoying and it just plain sucks. Of course not, not because I didn’t want to, not because I surpassed it, but because it wasn’t even in my realm of possibility. It wasn’t even something that came to mind. It’s like someone being on the road and driving And not even realizing that they have the option to stop the car. How could you stop don’t you have to just keep driving?

Similarly, my entire life was never something that involves an option to really feel a negative response towards my mother and the negativity she was bringing. So. I had a very difficult time today. I had an extremely difficult time accepting my negative feeling that my mind and body were giving me. I felt indebted to the experience I was having, I felt guilty for not appreciating the experience I was having, and I felt like it wouldn’t be appropriate to not go through with it. on the contrary I had to learn how to deal. I am Cali Chica I can handle anything of course I have to deal with this so what if it is a little unpleasant, what in life isn’t a little bit unpleasant if I deal with it then I can see it through.

For sure there are many parts of my when this quality is a good one. it has made me very flexible and adaptive in medical situations, it has been very useful in allowing me to move to all different parts of the country and be very flexible, it has allowed me to have a huge range of friendships and be able to relate to many different kinds of people. But there are lines. Honestly sometimes I don’t want to be so accommodating anymore. I don’t want to push the envelope anymore, I don’t want to push my boundaries anymore. I don’t want to be super accommodating, accepting, and can handle anything superwoman anymore. I want to be someone that says yes that was not really right for me so I just gracefully declined and I don’t have any guilt about it. I want to be able to have the self respect to say sorry nope that’s enough I’m just going to walk away not because I have some profound reason— but just because I simply want to. I situatiobs that are subtle (the smaller ones in life are harder to temper than large black and white situations) (examples an odd feeling with a friend or colleague etc)

I no longer have to push myself to these limits of boundaries that are self deprecating and self harmful potentially. I know my self worth I know my boundaries I know my self respect —when I feel something that is unpleasant I can evaluate and honor it. My first inclination does not have to be how do I process it better, how do I gain the strength to deal, how do I gain the strength to endure. No it does not. My first inclination can be how to protect me! Wow. Self protection, giving yourself a hug and nurturing the inner.

This is not the path of weakness this is not the path of quitting, quite contrary the path of self-preservation is actually the path of building. I realize that even one minute of my time is precious and important. even one second of a feeling of discomfort can be avoided (if I allow it – and if I can I should). For what is more important then self-respect. Self love. Self love. Wow

I am not so low That I need to stoop down at every single moment to make myself accommodating to others and their poor management, poor treatment and poor values. I am not so low that I have to stoop down and live my life the way they do. I am not so low that I have to tolerate poor behavior. If I am strong enough to walk away from my own mother, someone who gave birth to me —because of poor treatment, I should be able to walk away from anyone or anything that my gut tells me is not just. So I shall. Self love first. The rest can wait.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Cali Chica.