Dear Anita,

Happy 4th of July.

I processed what you wrote earlier: “I learned, from repeated experience, that every time I learn something new it is seeing more of what I saw yesterday.”

–from this I gather that it is an additive experience, this path.  Not unlike our medical training.  If we see something totally off the grid, we learn this new method, it does not do away with our primary method we learned, it simply adds more, expands the scope.  Thus, we are more versatile, learned, and able.

“It is not seeing something in place of what I saw yesterday, invalidating it, but it is seeing more.”

–I used to think this way.  Before I truly grasped all that I was dealing with. (during the preliminary times I posted and was unable to see the reality which is my mother, and all of its consequences) I used to spend a great deal of time and effort judging what I learned.  A lot of “oh I think this now instead” or “now this is the right way.” What I have learned now is that this is all ever evolving. We see clearer as we live further..  What is clear now was not before, not due to blindness or apathy – but due to the fact that perhaps time and experience had to occur in order to allow for more clarity.  There is no judgement in what we “used to know” for we know more and more now, and will continue to.  We may learn and feel things that are entirely different than what we used to think.  Allow it. Embrace it.

Something interesting just happened to me.  I am working on developing a website and spent a majority of today reading, browsing, getting a lay of the land (internet land that is).  At times I felt great and empowered – woo! At other times I felt overwhelmed and discouraged – wow how many versions of what I want to do are out there already – gosh! All in all, I am pretty mentally drained, but glad to have put some efforts into the above today.

I was on one website builder, and went through the images, and searched “happy” to see if their images embodied the “spirit” I was looking for on my homepage.  Well up popped these images of women, men, and kids, laughing, smiling, eating ice cream, and all.  I looked at one of them and thought – wow that looks like me, the smile and all….Then I thought – wait….I searched “happy” – this picture popped up – it resembles me – therefore…am I “happy.”

Wow – I guess I am.  Interesting, when it can be seen simply as a search term and subsequent smiling picture can embody “happy.” So if thats the case, I am happy, aren’t I… and why not – why shouldn’t I be!