Dear anita,

sorry for not responding in so long. I have some good news though. Today I talked to a therapist and I felt really good about her. She can’t take me on before September, but I haven’t felt as good about any of the other therapists I talked to before. We will have (at least) a second meeting before deciding if we will work together. She also suggested to me to have a final conversation with my old therapist for closure. It never occurred to me before, but this might be a good idea. I still have to think about this more, maybe I will do it.

Also I tried tracking my thoughts, but it was not so easy. When I’m at work or Uni, sometimes I forget about it. But I noticed that those thoughts come when something happens (I make a mistake, act weird or somebody makes a negative comment about me, or when I stand out in a bad way) and sometimes when I do tasks that don’t require too much concentration (like cleaning up, running errands etc.).

I tried to track my thoughts today.

In the morning I felt really bad. Yesterday there was a misunderstanding at work. I had agreed to work more this month, because there is a lack of staff in the company. One colleague and his wife thought that I would start working more today, but I can’t, as the semester only ends in one week. I’m very sure I said the correct date, I looked it up to make sure. Anyways, the colleague  made some “joking” comments. He already had made similar comments with another colleague on Monday (he initially seemed to think that I would work more starting Tuesday). They said “Oh, the child has to study…” and then something about “first she learns how to store data..” (which is part of my job). The comments yesterday were along those lines. He said something about me writing applications, but I didn’t understand all of it and another Co-worker said it’s good that I didn’t hear it.

It made me feel so worthless. What they were trying to say (as I understood) was that I haven’t accomplished anything. Or am I wrong? I felt belittled. My thoughts were like this: I was quite sure I had said the correct date. But I can also understand that he is very stressed at the moment. At the other hand it’s not my fault that they don’t have enough staff. And I don’t find this sort of comments in any way helpful. It feels passive aggressive? If he has a problem,I would prefer he would address it directly. Later I also thought more about it. Maybe I don’t communicate enough. Usually I focus on my work and don’t like to talk much. Often I just don’t know what to say and I feel safer concentrating on my work. Maybe that came off as arrogant? I got along well with the former staff, but his wife was newly introduced. First she worked in another place and somehow we didn’t really introduce to each other. Now she has to take on the main burden of work. Maybe next time I should ask her how her weekend was or something and also suggest that we address each other informally (by first name)?

Still, the comments really bothered me. I couldn’t sleep. I thought to myself: I’m worthless, I’m spoiled and such things. Others have it worse, they deserve therapy more than me. Also that I don’t like myself, why haven’t I accomplished more? Things like that. I cried. And I thought: why do I feel sorry for myself? I need to go and change something, do something about it. In the morning I still felt bad. And I was angry at myself and even hit myself with a cutting board in the head (I know, it is crazy and weird…).

I know I shouldn’t let other people’s judgemental words get to me. But I often react very emotional. I need to learn how to control my feelings and thoughts…

The rest of the day was better though. After the appointment with the therapist went well, my mood improved. Then I went to Uni from 10 am to 5 pm and I was mainly focused on my courses, with little room for weird thoughts. Only sometimes I worried if I looked at someone in a strange way or that I should have participated more in the discussion. But overall it was good…

But your idea of writing down thoughts is good. Maybe I can become more conscious that way.