Anita

You’re response about fear of losing something and settling in a familiar place of safety instead is very true for me. I am notorious for backing out of commitments and not taking social risks. Although, i have made much progress over the years in confronting fears socially, physically, and in my mind. I am understanding what you mean when you say healing “takes more than what you did so far” i forget this often.  As long as i’m alive I will be learning about myself and meaning through the trials of life.

I’m glad to report i had a good week last week, i was able to see my therapist, which lead to very productive sessions with my own clients later in the same day. I was able to see quite a few friends and family over the holiday weekend. Although my life is no where near stable, i don’t feel so down on myself anymore, or rather im better equipped to empathize with myself and have recognized the worth and importance of my individual existence to the world.

I go through periods where life feels more or less meaningful. The ups and downs frustrate me and i struggle to accept that anytime i am having a good feeling that it will pass, because as we’ve talked about the pain feels like it will never end every time. I feel comfortable in pain. It’s my way of saying to life “i told you so! see no matter what i do nothing will ever sustain my happiness, so might as well not try and stay in this place.” Which is untrue. Yet I lack the courage at times to take risks, and the courage to endure the pain, i self medicate instead.

My current frustration with myself continues to be associated with sexual desire, and desire for companionship. I don’t necessarily fantasize about sex when i speak of desire rather an extremely deep craving to be held. it makes my breathing heavy just thinking about receiving a hug and how amazing it might feel. I rarely have sex dreams, most of my dreams and fantasies about women have to do with companionship and love. I have officially given up on all forms of social media and dating apps after being stood up 3 seperate times this week by different people. It makes me question why do i even want companionship? i mean what would a girlfriend actually do for me? also Why is the urge to have companionship so strong within me? in alot of ways it seems like it would only end up being another thing to worry about going wrong in my life. However i really need a solution for this daily constant pain. Im not sure i can convey just how heavy and pervasive this feeling is for me, its the heaviest feeling i have and the one that follows me everywhere, the same feeling that makes me feel like i could potentially have a break down at any time.

I was at a coffee shop studying today and i see couples everywhere it seems, enjoying eachothers company, and my eyes begin to water my breathing gets heavy and i have to leave the shop immediately before i just start crying. I ask myself what is this feeling about, sure there’s some envy in there however i always try to be happy for people who appear to be happily coupled, i realize envy makes me bitter. I sat in my car before driving off crying wondering what it is that bothers me so much about seeing couples, thinking about dating, etc. I reached the conclusion that i look at what others have and believe im undeserving of such things, that i may deserve to be loved but not intimately loved such as they appear to be. This feeling is by far the hardest one to accept and as i write this it is evident to me i still feel unlovable. I’m still unsure about how to go about working on feeling lovable. It also is becoming evident that i try too hard to make myself seem more lovable, I take good care of my physical appearance, i dress well, i make every attempt to take care of others when possible, i have many creative pursuits, my apartment is spotless, i study psychology and other sciences in an effort to understand why i struggle to connect with others. I try very hard at life, i’m very talented and knowledgeable in a multitude of skills and always have been, in alot of ways i behave as if i pretend to love myself hoping someone will love me even though i might really feel worthless.