I found out my sisters long term relationship went to shit also.  She is not the needy type though, just the opposite, very independent and strong.  She has always been driven and goal minded.  Which makes sense to me because she has always had to be the one to take care of me growing up.

Yes i get angry at my mom sometimes.  In fact i was talking to a friend last night about it and said i really don’t know if i even love my mom.  I feel like i’m obligated to play the role, but if i didn’t see or talk to her in the next year or more.  I don’t know if it would bother me one bit.

Another thing about my outstanding mother…  about 6 yrs or so ago my 11 yr old was 5 and her appendix ruptured.  We had to go to a hospital about 2.5 hours away and stay there for a week.  At the time my oldest daughter,17 at the time, was living with us.  I had asked my mother if she could come over and just stay the night overnight  because we also had our 1 yr old daughter there.  She could go home during the day and i would of paid for gas.  She only lives about 25 miles away.

She said no, because she couldn’t leave her cat alone at night by herself!  WTF!  My middle child is on the brink of death and i’m in an ambulance going to another town for surgery and i get that answer!

So yes, i’m angry with her.  I act like it’s all good, but honestly, if i never saw her again…  I don’t know if it would really bother me at all.  Sounds harsh, but it’s true.

You know it’s funny that you said something about me pulling away as soon as I get a scent…

I am still dating, or trying even though i said i’m done.  I met someone recently that her youngest is 16, she is successful, pretty, and takes care of her self (girly girl) which are all things I like and find attractive.  And she only lives about 1.5 miles from my house!  Our first date we hit it off.  She actually kissed me.  I was going to be slow and easy because she had talked about being friends with someone before getting serious and she had also said she is looking for long term, life partner.  I was like “sweet” !  maybe this one will be it.  She likes a lot of things that i do, same taste in music, likes activities that i like, and loves little girls!

Well like i said, first date went really good.  She is really busy with work and her family/friends.  But it seemed like there was always an excuse not for a second date.  So i made it a point and she had me over to her house one night.  I didn’t know that her 16 yr old daughter was going to be there.  I felt a little uncomfortable because this is only my second time meeting her and i’m meeting her daughter?  Even if she is 16.  Still felt a little strange.  So that didn’t go as well.  I was kind of quiet and shy.

Well she still said she was interested and everything, but then it got to where it was even harder to seem for her to have time to meet again.  I told her a couple times, if she is not interested, then just say so.  That that is part of dating and it’s okay.  She would never say that, she said she is and thinks we connect, but then told me she is 99% sure she is moving next month to colorado for work and didn’t want to get to involved and hurt her or me.

Well guess what?  I got all fucking needy again.  Sorry bout my language.  I was blowing her up!  It’s like i took all the neediness from my ex and instantly put it on her.  I began to wonder if she was really moving or just using that as an excuse.  So i then noticed that she was still frequenting dating sites online.  Then i got crazy.  I made up a fake profile and messaged her with that one.  Sure enough she jumped all over it. was telling me what she was looking for and we were even supposed to meet up after we talked on the phone.  So i dropped it and left her alone.

Well that hurt even more.  Why would someone go through the trouble of making up a lie about moving away instead of just saying your not interested.  Especially if you give them the opportunity twice to say so?

WOW!.

Again, that brings me back to saying screw them all and just being alone.

I lost track of my point, sorry.  Yes as soon as she started loosing interest, i freaked out.  What’s funny(not haha funny) is that i know i’m doing it.  I tell myself, okay don’t text her or talk to her until she does you.  What happens?  i wait half a day or so then bam, send a text.  and then my freaking texts end up being books!  Why can’t i write one liners?  “hey, how’s your day” and leave it at that?  instead i get all novel writing talking about everything!  Oh man i feel so messed up.

Obviously she is not for me because she is lying and such, but damn. Why can’t i be patient and let them come to me?

Oh yeah, because of my abandonment issues.    I also think that that is something i subconsciously desire.  The need for someone to be there, but not fully there or committed, like i need the chase or need to need.  With my ex, we were in love and she showed it, but she wasn’t here and there were times when she would cancel and be hard to reach.  i think that made me desire her even more.  With the gal with the kids.  She was willing to do anything it took for us.  Anything.  She just wanted to love me and make me happy.  well, I lost  interest.  It’s funny because that’s all i wanted.  Although her having two young kids full time all the time was a big flag for me.

So then when i met this last one.  Same thing as my ex.. Acted and said she was interested, just gives me enough to keep my interest and desire, but then keeps distance and hard to get.  really hard to get..  so of coarse i jump all over it like a fool instead of just telling her when she wants to see or talk to me, then she can make the effort.

WOW i’m really pouring today!  sorry about all of this.  It does help me to be able to take about it all.  I know i’m kind of all over the place today.