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very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

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This topic contains 320 replies, has 16 voices, and was last updated by  John 1 day, 18 hours ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 166 through 180 (of 321 total)
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  • #214313

    John
    Participant

    thanks.  I’m trying.  I want to text her so freaking bad.  I won’t, but i want to.  I would give anything to hear her voice again.  I know it’s bad and not smart.  Just venting.  I still have some old voicemails saved on my phone.  would it be bad to listen to them?  Would it set me backwards.  This is really hard.  Hurts today.  Hurts bad.

     

    #214321

    Brandy
    Participant

    I would delete the voicemails. You can do it! 🙂

    #214325

    John
    Participant

    I want to.  I don’t think i could without listening.  Sounds silly, but if i go to that point on my phone, i would listen first and probably not delete.  Hearing in her voice that she loves me….  I can’t even begin to describe how that would make me feel.

    #214327

    Brandy
    Participant

    Of course you can delete them without listening to them. Just having them on your phone keeps you from fully moving forward. Get rid of them! Don’t be the guy who says “i would listen first and probably not delete” anymore. Decide what kind of person you want to be, and then be that person.

    #215609

    John
    Participant

    I’m back. I cried today. At this point I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully move on. I found one of her necklaces in my RV this last weekend camping. Really tugged at my heart.  I still miss her so much. Why is it so hard for me to just let go of her. It seems so simple. Just move on and start a new chapter in my life. Every time I try, I go backwards. The pain and hurt sucks. God I wish so much I could go back in time and have seen These problems before it was too late. Right now I feel like I’m meant to be alone. No matter what I do, I still come back to her.  I would do anything for one chance to be with her again. How can I still feel this way after 7 months?

    #215619

    Tash
    Participant

    Hi John,

    I feel for you, I really do. You’re actually about the same amount of time post break up as I am and I don’t feel any better either. I’m now friends with my ex which I wouldn’t recommend. We were together for a year and I thought he was it but we ended up wanting different things. I wanted to settle down and get married and he didn’t. I’m friends with him now hoping that maybe he’ll see we’re meant to be but it’s the worst because every time I see him I have to pretend I’m over him. I don’t even think at this point in time I can cut ties with him because I want to spend time with him. It’s actually ridiculous. You’re definitely on the right path and I’m sure eventually you’ll be at peace with the break up and you’ll meet someone else.

    #215645

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi John,

    Any closer to  making an appointment for some counseling? When you finally decide that you’ve had enough, just pick up the phone, make an appointment. What do you have to lose?

    B

    #215721

    John
    Participant

    Tash, I don’t recommend being friends. I thought I could but it just gave me false hope. It hurt way to much. And knowing that she is happy with someone else is like murder to my soul.

    I think I’ve figured out that love it true love is bullshit and a scam. I really believe you only find that once in a lifetime. I thought I had it but apparently no matter what she said or felt about me she really didn’t. Otherwise she would of wanted to try to fix our problems before just giving up.

    Ive decided it’s going to be easier to be alone. It’s not worth the pain of trying to be in love with someone again. It hurts now really bad and I do t know if that pain will ever completely go away. So I’m just going to date and have fake/surface relationships that don’t mean anything. Easier to have a hardened heart than a giving one. That’s for sure. I do get lonely but at least I won’t be broken anymore. I hope.

    As for counseling. I can’t afford it right now. I wish I could but I can’t. And when I did go that didn’t seem to help anyways.

    I appreciate all your guys help and advice and am grateful for the support. I just can’t keep going thinking I will find someone again and feel like I did/do about her. It was too amazing and wonderful to lose it all. I don’t want to go through that again.

    I just deleted all of our pics I had stored on my phone. I had almost 500 taken in less than a year. And everyone of them everyone said we looked so happy together. Which I thought we were.

    Im just going to try to learn how to be happy by myself.

    #215743

    Brandy
    Participant

    That’s a huge step deleting all those photos! Well done. I’m proud of you. Next comes those useless voicemail messages 🙂

    I don’t share your belief that a person can experience true love only once in a lifetime.

    I know you feel a deep love for this woman, but what you loved most is the way she made you feel about yourself, right? And now that she’s gone, so is your self-worth. How can it be that another human being can have that much power over how you feel about yourself? When she’s with you, you’re a better man; and when she’s not, you’re just mediocre. That’s totally messed up! Can you see that? Please tell me you can see that.

    What if one of your young daughters, say 15 years from now, was going through a bad breakup similar to yours. What if she said to you “Dad, there’s no one out there who will ever make me that happy again.” What would you tell her? Would you say “Yep, from now on you should just have fake/surface relationships that don’t mean anything”?

    I remember at one point on this thread you said something about your mom not being there for you when you were a kid. What’s the story? I’m so curious. Will you please explain the whole thing to me: the relationship you had with her when you were a kid, a teenager, and today as an adult? Thanks.

    B

    #216157

    John
    Participant

    Well Brandi, i failed.  I went two days and then was able to retrieve the photos off dropbox.  I couldn’t do it.  I wanted to so bad, but the thought of losing all memories of her or us was killing me.  It’s pretty amazing how much i really loved this woman.  Yes she did make me feel better about myself, but shouldn’t you when you are in love with someone?  should’t that make you feel like you are on top of the world?

    i have been known to be cold and frigid before.  in fact before my ex.  If someone rubbed me the wrong way, i would say “screw them and good riddance”  Screw them all!  She changed me, helped me see that there is love and it can feel good and wonderful.  Then she took all that away.  So at this point…  I would tell my daughter. ” F%^& them all!”

    As far as my childhood.  Long story, i will try to make it short.

    Just me and my older sister(by 4 yrs)

    parents divorced when i was very young.  before kindergarten i think.  We stayed with my dad and his girlfriend in Vegas and my mom moved back to oregon.  We lived with my dad for a year or 3(from what i can remember),  then we moved up with my mom. My mom was making minimum wage raising us.  Well one day she couldn’t do it anymore and left my sister and i at the babysitter after school for a week or so, until my dad could come up from vegas and get us.  I believe this was in the 2nd grade for me?  i think??.  Hard to remember that far and those memories can get mixed up.

    We then lived with my dad for another year (he moved around a lot) or so before he couldn’t do it.  I don’t know why(can’t remember).  So we then moved in with his parents.  They still had younger kids.  my aunt and uncles were all under 18.  We lived with them for about another year or so until they couldn’t do it anymore.  Then my mom was “better”  so my grandpa flew us up to oregon around xmas time (i was now in the 4th grade).  I honestly don’t ever remember saying goodbye to my dad.

    Well just a couple months after we moved back to oregon, my mother got a phone call from my grandmother telling her that my dad had a car accident and had died.   That sucked.

    So i guess i always have had some guilt.  not ever knowing if i did tell him goodbye before we left.

    Mom was still making minimum wage.  We moved a lot. If i remember right i went to 5 or 6 different schools between the 4th and 6th grade.  and she had a few different boyfriends over the years.  By the 6th grade she had met someone that she was with thru my high school.  He was a dick to me.  or that’s what i remember.  in the 7th grade we moved out to the country and i was able to stay in the same school thru high school.

    my moms boyfriend though, i hated him.

    When my sister was 15 or 16(I was 11 or 12), she decided to leave home and live with a friend from school and gave me the option of coming with her.  I decided to stay because i didn’t think my mom could handle it if we both left.  So that sucked too.  It was always me and her, now she was gone.

    I don’t ever really remember my mom going to much of my school stuff.  In fact there were times when she would forget to pick  me up after track or something.

    After my sister graduated, she moved to cambridge, MA to go to school.  I was a sophomore by now.  At this point, my mom kind of let me off my leash.  Basically she just wanted me to graduate high school.  So i barely did.  I was actually flunking english when i did, the teacher passed me anyways.  After high school i continued to make bad decisions one after another.  Drinking, partying, breaking the law.  ended up doing about 6 months jail time (just driving infractions and stuff) when i was 20-21 and had my first daughter at 21.  I had no  business having a kid then.  but it is what it is.  I really didn’t get my shit together until i was about 26 yrs old.

    meanwhile my sister was the successful one.  She did collage at MIT and has done very well for herself.  She now owns her own brewery.  I’ve always been the “black sheep” or whatever you would call it.  My sister loves me to pieces and would do anything of me and she has helped my so much over the years, i don’t think i could ever pay her back enough.

    That’s my childhood till 26 summed up in a nut shell…

    #216171

    Brandy
    Participant

    John,

    I think I read your post 3 times! Probably not easy for you to put it all down in writing, but I’m glad you did. There must have been a lot of confusion for you as a boy, and still as a grown man. Your parents failed you miserably.

    I have a few questions. (Answer them only if you want to.)

    1) Is your mom still living and are you in contact with her today?

    2) Do you talk with your sister regularly?

    3) When you had those 6 sessions of therapy, did you share all of the above with your therapist?

    4) How did you “get your sh#% together” at age 26, and what happened after that? You’re in your 40’s or 50’s now, right?

    Thanks,

    B

    #216179

    John
    Participant

    1) yes my mom is still living and i do talk to her.  In fact she is coming by tonight.

    2) I try to, but she is very busy with her business

    3) We mainly discussed my break up and getting over it

    4) I was living with my older cousin at the time and realized i didn’t want to be like that at his age.  that’s when i met my ex-wife.  Yes i am 45 now.

    I’m seriously at a breaking point in my life.  Part of me just wants to pack up and go away somewhere.  I feel like i’ve struggled my whole life and overtime i have something promising in the future, when that time gets close it all falls apart.  I try so hard to be positive, but i can’t.

     

    #216217

    Brandy
    Participant

    I am not very good at looking at a person’s past and trying to figure out how it’s affecting his life, but some of the things that occurred at the end of your relationship with your ex make so much sense to me now. When she started pulling away from you, you became needy and panicky…well, of course you would! I mean, as a boy you were repeatedly discarded, rejected, abandoned, so it makes sense that you’d react the instant you recognize those first awful signs (which you are very good at recognizing by now) that someone you love is about to abandon you. I mean, look at this pattern in your life. You’re 4 or 5 years old when your mom first abandons you by moving to Oregon, leaving you in Vegas with your sister and dad.  After a few years your dad then abandons you by shipping you off to your mom in Oregon, but then, in no time at all, she rejects you yet again by not picking you up at your babysitter’s….EVER, so your dad picks you up there to take you back to Vegas with him. But after a year he rejects you again, dropping you off at his parents (your grandparents) who keep you for a year before they discard you in Oregon to live with your mom again. After a couple months with your mom you learn that your dad has died in a tragic accident (abandoning you yet again), and you don’t remember saying goodbye to him. All of this within the first nine years of your life.

    You and your sister didn’t deserve that childhood. I wish it could’ve been different for you both. It must have felt terrible to be treated like that by the two people you loved most in the world. Were they teenagers when they got married? What was going on with them?

    You know exactly what to look for, how it feels, before someone you love walks away from you. You can see it coming from a mile away, anticipate it long before it happens. And when you detect even the slightest shift in the way a person you love behaves toward you, the subtlest hint that she’s unhappy with you, you panic and do whatever you can to prevent her from leaving. And of course you would. Anybody who was raised the way you were would. Makes perfect sense to me.

    I remember earlier on this thread you mentioned that for Valentines Day (I think) you had flowers delivered to your then-girlfriend (now your ex) at her work three times on the same day, and I remember thinking, wow, that’s a lot of flowers! But now I get it. You were doing whatever you could to keep her from leaving you.

    How has your sister done in her relationships over the years?

    I grew up in a large family and both my parents worked full-time and were very busy. There was no down time at all for them. There was no abuse in my family and we all got along pretty well most of the time, but I still felt like I couldn’t talk to my parents simply because there weren’t enough hours in the day for them to listen to me. They did a lot for us kids: we had a nice home, enough to eat, they put us through college, etc., but still to this day in most social situations I keep conversations short so as not to bother people. I hate talking on the phone because I often feel like whomever I’m talking to has something else they need to be doing. In social situations, I’m always the listener, rarely the talker. I internalize a lot, prefer to keep things to myself. I guess I’m telling you this because I find it amazing how much our upbringings affect our day to day lives. The way we are raised shapes the people we become.

    The way I see it, as a young boy you experienced crushing disappointments over and over and over again. Do you also see it that way? Are you at all angry at your parents?

    B

    #216265

    John
    Participant

    I found out my sisters long term relationship went to shit also.  She is not the needy type though, just the opposite, very independent and strong.  She has always been driven and goal minded.  Which makes sense to me because she has always had to be the one to take care of me growing up.

    Yes i get angry at my mom sometimes.  In fact i was talking to a friend last night about it and said i really don’t know if i even love my mom.  I feel like i’m obligated to play the role, but if i didn’t see or talk to her in the next year or more.  I don’t know if it would bother me one bit.

    Another thing about my outstanding mother…  about 6 yrs or so ago my 11 yr old was 5 and her appendix ruptured.  We had to go to a hospital about 2.5 hours away and stay there for a week.  At the time my oldest daughter,17 at the time, was living with us.  I had asked my mother if she could come over and just stay the night overnight  because we also had our 1 yr old daughter there.  She could go home during the day and i would of paid for gas.  She only lives about 25 miles away.

    She said no, because she couldn’t leave her cat alone at night by herself!  WTF!  My middle child is on the brink of death and i’m in an ambulance going to another town for surgery and i get that answer!

    So yes, i’m angry with her.  I act like it’s all good, but honestly, if i never saw her again…  I don’t know if it would really bother me at all.  Sounds harsh, but it’s true.

    You know it’s funny that you said something about me pulling away as soon as I get a scent…

    I am still dating, or trying even though i said i’m done.  I met someone recently that her youngest is 16, she is successful, pretty, and takes care of her self (girly girl) which are all things I like and find attractive.  And she only lives about 1.5 miles from my house!  Our first date we hit it off.  She actually kissed me.  I was going to be slow and easy because she had talked about being friends with someone before getting serious and she had also said she is looking for long term, life partner.  I was like “sweet” !  maybe this one will be it.  She likes a lot of things that i do, same taste in music, likes activities that i like, and loves little girls!

    Well like i said, first date went really good.  She is really busy with work and her family/friends.  But it seemed like there was always an excuse not for a second date.  So i made it a point and she had me over to her house one night.  I didn’t know that her 16 yr old daughter was going to be there.  I felt a little uncomfortable because this is only my second time meeting her and i’m meeting her daughter?  Even if she is 16.  Still felt a little strange.  So that didn’t go as well.  I was kind of quiet and shy.

    Well she still said she was interested and everything, but then it got to where it was even harder to seem for her to have time to meet again.  I told her a couple times, if she is not interested, then just say so.  That that is part of dating and it’s okay.  She would never say that, she said she is and thinks we connect, but then told me she is 99% sure she is moving next month to colorado for work and didn’t want to get to involved and hurt her or me.

    Well guess what?  I got all fucking needy again.  Sorry bout my language.  I was blowing her up!  It’s like i took all the neediness from my ex and instantly put it on her.  I began to wonder if she was really moving or just using that as an excuse.  So i then noticed that she was still frequenting dating sites online.  Then i got crazy.  I made up a fake profile and messaged her with that one.  Sure enough she jumped all over it. was telling me what she was looking for and we were even supposed to meet up after we talked on the phone.  So i dropped it and left her alone.

    Well that hurt even more.  Why would someone go through the trouble of making up a lie about moving away instead of just saying your not interested.  Especially if you give them the opportunity twice to say so?

    WOW!.

    Again, that brings me back to saying screw them all and just being alone.

    I lost track of my point, sorry.  Yes as soon as she started loosing interest, i freaked out.  What’s funny(not haha funny) is that i know i’m doing it.  I tell myself, okay don’t text her or talk to her until she does you.  What happens?  i wait half a day or so then bam, send a text.  and then my freaking texts end up being books!  Why can’t i write one liners?  “hey, how’s your day” and leave it at that?  instead i get all novel writing talking about everything!  Oh man i feel so messed up.

    Obviously she is not for me because she is lying and such, but damn. Why can’t i be patient and let them come to me?

    Oh yeah, because of my abandonment issues.    I also think that that is something i subconsciously desire.  The need for someone to be there, but not fully there or committed, like i need the chase or need to need.  With my ex, we were in love and she showed it, but she wasn’t here and there were times when she would cancel and be hard to reach.  i think that made me desire her even more.  With the gal with the kids.  She was willing to do anything it took for us.  Anything.  She just wanted to love me and make me happy.  well, I lost  interest.  It’s funny because that’s all i wanted.  Although her having two young kids full time all the time was a big flag for me.

    So then when i met this last one.  Same thing as my ex.. Acted and said she was interested, just gives me enough to keep my interest and desire, but then keeps distance and hard to get.  really hard to get..  so of coarse i jump all over it like a fool instead of just telling her when she wants to see or talk to me, then she can make the effort.

    WOW i’m really pouring today!  sorry about all of this.  It does help me to be able to take about it all.  I know i’m kind of all over the place today.

    #216295

    John
    Participant

    me again, my ex texted me, thanking me for sending that necklace.  She started making conversation.  Damn, it’s amazing how just a simple text message from her makes me feel.  Even if it is nothing.  I still love her so much.  I feel it deep in my heart.   It hurts so much when i see anything or hear anything that reminds me of her, but yet i can’t get rid of those things.  I hope someday i can.  I would drop everything in a heart beat regardless of all that has happened and been said if she asked me to.

    If she texts back i’m going to tell her that i can’t because it brings up too much emotion.

     

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