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very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

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This topic contains 320 replies, has 16 voices, and was last updated by  John 1 day, 18 hours ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 151 through 165 (of 321 total)
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  • #211677

    John
    Participant

    Today is a better day.  I’m trying to focus on the positive things in my life.  I’ve really begun to realize that she made me feel like a better man.  Like she was out of my league as you guys have mentioned and when she dated me it built up my confidence and self esteem.  ” i can meet beautiful and sophisticated women”   It really boosted everything in my life.  That’s why i became so motivated.  I liked feeling like that and the feeling that i was that good-a better man in a sense.  When she left she took all that away.  Which i know is my decision for me to feel that way.  I am that good man.  I know that.  I really need to focus on myself and doing things that make me feel better about myself.  Cleaning my house, treating myself(new clothes, nice things, even shaving everyday), enjoying my time with my girls and friends/family.  I feel like when she left, that feeling inside me left also.  Like i’m not good enough anymore.  This has all been a real struggle and learning experience for me.  I am trying very hard.

    It became obvious to me the other day. I was bored and got on one of the on line dating sites.  just browsing, no intentions of anything.  I saw this woman on there that is someone that i would think would be out of my league.    Instantly made me feel like “WOW”  I never  realized that that is the type of woman that i’m attracted to.

    The woman that i am seeing  now, she is the type that fists my lifestyle.  We would work well together and get along great.  But i don’t think that i’m attracted to her the way I should be.  It’s hard to explain.  She is fun, likes what i like, gets along with me great, everything.  But there is something missing.  And i think that’s what i figured out.  Almost like i need that “diva” or “high class and sophisticated” type.  That’s what i crave and am really attracted to.  Or at least i think so.  I almost feel like if i were to continue with the woman that I am seeing that i would feel like i’m settling for what i should do, what makes sense.  Not going for what makes me feel all giddy and butterflies. (that’s how i felt all the time with my ex).  That’s what we should all feel like with someone right?  I mean how do you distinguish between what is right and what feels right?  or the right thing to do?

    #211683

    Brandy
    Participant

    I’m so glad you’re having a better day. When I made the “out of your league” statement earlier on this thread, I didn’t mean that she’s actually out of your league; I meant that you see her as being out of your league. In other words, she’s not someone you typically ask out, maybe because you’re afraid of rejection? But that’s okay; a lot of us are like that! If this is the type of woman you’re attracted to, then believe that you are worthy of this type. Seems the entire time you were with her you didn’t feel worthy of her — that then comes across as neediness…not good. So do things that increase your self-confidence like you mentioned: buy some new clothes, shave every day, etc. Smile, make eye contact, let the negative thoughts pass by and focus on your strengths. Women love self-confident, nice guys who are happy. And self-confidence can be learned! I’ve learned from this thread that you are a good decent guy with a lot of great qualities. Write them down and read them every day.   Become the man you want to be. Don’t settle for someone you’re not attracted to. So to answer your question about how to distinguish between what is right and what feels right, I think it takes time with a person to know for sure. You may feel the giddiness and butterflies immediately but then as time goes on and you get to know the person, those feelings may fade.  Other times the butterflies aren’t initially there but come later. As you get to know the person, it becomes clear. Can’t rush it. Have to spend time with a person to know for sure.

    #211689

    John
    Participant

    thanks.  you made me smile.

    as far as the butterflies with my ex…  I had them from the first day on.  They never went away.  Even at the end when times got hard, i still had them.  Even when she would just text to say hi.  That’s how i know i was really in love with that woman.  all the other shit was a bonus. I really hope i can find that feeling with someone again.  It is the best thing in the world to feel like that anytime you think of them and to know that you would do anything without question for them.  Although with her i couldn’t do that.  When she needed me to let her be alone.  I couldn’t.  and  maybe that was the not feeling worthy part and feeling rejected.  And so that is how i became needy.  It is going to be a long road correcting that about myself.  I know this.  everyday i try.  I get so impatient at times with myself.  Its unreal.

    #211693

    Brandy
    Participant

    You’re welcome! Nah, not such a long road. You’re doing fine! 🙂

    #211721

    John
    Participant

    Well this rollercoaster is a bitch. I was watching AGT tonight and there was a couple on there that you could tell was super in love. Rugged on some heart strings and I cried again. Damnit.

    #211725

    Brandy
    Participant

    AGT? Oh you should have been watching the NBA finals! Although I was crying watching the Warriors sweep.

    #211933

    John
    Participant

    Never been a sports guy. Weird huh.

    Well yesterday was good day.

    This morning not so much. Woke up alone memories instantly came flooding back. Cried again. What’s wrong with me. I was doing so good for so long. Now it’s like I’m getting worse. Trying to push through it.

    #211945

    Brandy
    Participant

    That’s okay. No, not weird at all. A lot of guys aren’t sports guys. I was just trying to say to be careful what you watch because some TV shows will remind you of her. Hard to find anything romantic or sentimental in a basketball game.

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. You just have an overactive mind. A lot of people do. Don’t fight the negative thoughts. Let them come, but then let them go. The key is to become aware of what’s happening between your ears. Can you see that your thoughts are creating the your sadness? Once you recognize this, you’ve taken the first step to feeling better. The thoughts will keep coming, but you have the power to not follow them. They are trying to pull you in, but you can take a deep breath and not let it happen. Just say to yourself “Oh, there’s that thought again, trying to get me to follow it.”. Instead of following it, focus your attention on your breathing, or to the way your body feels, or what you can see or hear. Are the muscles in your neck, shoulders, jaw tense? Relax them. What do you hear? Birds? An airplane? A really loud leaf blower (ugh)? Listen to them. What do you see? A blue sky? The paint on the walls inside your home? A sink full of dirty dishes? Look at them, notice things about them. This will, for a very very brief moment, get you out of your head. Keep doing this and you will get better and better at it. Practice, practice, practice. The brief moment will then become a whole minute, then two minutes, etc. At one point you’ll notice that you haven’t thought about her for a while.

    I didn’t make this stuff up. I learned it.

    So you woke up this morning and memories instantly came flooding back. So this is what I’d do if this happened to me: I’d find my dog,  grab his leash, and take him for a walk outside. (I know you have dogs! :)) I’d pay attention to what I see, hear, and how I physically feel on my walk. If it’s breezy, I would really feel the breeze on my skin. If it’s sunny, I’d feel the warmth. I’d be aware of the negative thoughts that are trying to sabotage my presence, and I’d let them go. Anyway, that’s the first thing I’d do. I also wouldn’t drink any alcohol because it’s a depressant and will only make me feel worse.

    It all starts with awareness of your negative thoughts. Are you aware of them?

    #212099

    John
    Participant

    I think i am aware of them.  just hurts.  I’m really trying to get the why and what ifs out of my head.  And focus on “it wasn’t meant to be”.  It’s really hard.  You say that eventually i wont think about her anymore.  I can’t wait for that day to come.  I really can’t.  cause it tears me up inside anytime she pops in my head.  really hurts.  does’t help that i found a shoebox yesterday that has a bunch of cards and notes that she left hidden for me to find after she went home.  and a picture of her she gave to me to keep by my bedside.  that hurt.  Of coarse i couldn’t get rid of it.  I put it back in the closet.  I want to throw it away, but i can’t.

    #212243

    John
    Participant

    Well, today not so good.  woke up once again and she was the first thing in my head.  My chest has hurt all day(my heart).  been trying to focus on work and other things(getting ready for camping, my girls, cleaning, ect) but it’s not helping.  For some reason i’m having memories coming back today and it hurts.  It’s so bad that when i close my eyes i see her or times we had or even just expressions on her face that lifted me up.

    Wow!  I’m trying to push through.  Trying not to think about it.  Trying to thing about the bad that she did or hurt she did cause when we were together.  It’s been tough lately.  I’m really looking forward to the day that i can look back and be happy for what we did have and not miss her anymore and be able to really enjoy my life again.  man…

    #212333

    nextsteps
    Participant

    Hi John,

    I hope you are feeling better today. My thoughts as I read your post were that thats okay about the memory box right now. I went through something similar many years ago where I kept the stuff he had given me for a start and like you, didn’t feel ready to throw it away, and then one day I did. This is just time. So don’t beat yourself up about not being ready right now. Others might say it’ easier and saves you time to get rid now but I think this is honestly up to you. Grieving takes as long as it takes.

     

    Also, what brandy suggested about the dog was a great idea. Getting out in nature really helps and dogs always love you. So to does focusing on your kids. Nothing right now is going to make you feel Happy, nothing is goin to probably make you feel reasonably okay. You will still feel rubbish whilst doing these things, but you will feel marginally less rubbish for doing them and also helps to get a new routine going which can help on the bad days. I know it’s such a cliche but time really does help. Also a therapist once said to me, try and identify what stories I am telling myself and then try and change them for the positive. E.g if you think she was the love of my life and she left me I’m never going to get over this then it will be much harder for you. People can and do get over people they thought they were going to marry or were the loves of their lives. It is painful and it all takes time and perservernece. But you cant fully move on if you are staring at a closed door. Perhaps your current girlfriend isn’ suitable for you as you don’t feel the same but another person may be. I don’t know and you don’t know if this will happen but how are you or I ever going to know if you keep chasing after someone who has already left. This sounds harsh but it’s just life. Sometimes the people who we love most, they don’t live us back. Sometimes our soulmate is actually someone else’s soulmate. It’s all harsh but it’ true.

     

    I always try to trust life and think of things as a lesson. This may have had to happen to you so you do find someone you are a great fit with further down the line. Also you may have told yourself (as I have done before). I’m not happy because I don’t have her and if I don’t have her I can’t be happy. Ever again. This is how it feels like but it isn’t how it’ will be forever.

     

    I find school of life videos on YouTube are really good and have an independent and non emotional view on things which may help you come to grips with all this.

    Sending you good wishes.

    #213209

    John
    Participant

    well it’s been a few days, i thought i would check in.

    Been doing okay.  kind of mellowed on thinking about her.  Then today i don’t know why.  It hit hard again.  really hard.  I think its hard for me to accept that she is happy without me, just  because i’m unhappy without her.  hard to accept that she found someone else that makes her happy.  that hurts a bit.

    i am getting through this i think.  just one of those 1 step forwards and 10 steps back days today.  It helps to write about this to you guys, so here it is.  I seriously can not wait for the day that she doesn’t come in my head or if she does it’s just happy thoughts about what we had, not miserable thoughts about what i lost…

    #213283

    Brandy
    Participant

    Glad to read that you are getting through this! Healing is a nonlinear process, so you’re going to have your bad days. To help you get through the bad days, you may want to reread the advice you’ve gotten on this thread, and if it helps you to write about your feelings here, then do it, but I can’t think of any additional advice to give you. I would only be restating what I’ve already stated. So keep moving forward like you are! Good job!

    #214259

    John
    Participant

    well I haven’t contacted her since…  been doing good, except today.  really hit me hard again.  I still really miss her bad.

    I’m trying to forget, it is very hard.  coming up on another camping trip that she went with me last year on and we had a blast.  It’s going to be hard to not think about her this weekend.

    I really wish i could forget all together

    #214305

    Brandy
    Participant

    Wow, no contact with her for a while now — you’ve come a long way! Well done! Instead of trying so hard,  just pay attention to the thoughts as they come and go, like an objective observer. Don’t get sucked in. Let them pass. They’re just thoughts in your head, nothing more.

Viewing 15 posts - 151 through 165 (of 321 total)

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