Anita

Thank you for your response. I guess i’m just tired of talking about my childhood because it makes me feel guilty to criticize my parents in the slightest because i know they came from nothing and tried the best they could. however i am also aware of how my mom unconsciously guilts me anytime i point out that our household was dysfunctional by playing a victim and pulling on my heart strings to get me to take care of her. The denial is strong with my mother and father. They taught me to sugar coat and tell half truth, and i believe you caught this in “the pretty way you tie it together”. What i really need is for her (and my father) to validate my feelings and be concerned with me, i’m not sure she understands how her being constantly depressed and down on her self affects me or my sister.

As much as i resist admitting it i know the loneliness is reliving my childhood experience. However loneliness is my current living experience as well. Although the past couple of weeks i have been more outgoing and open, i still feel very much alone never knowing when my next meaningful human interaction might be. I need intimacy, and im not talking about physical romantic intimacy while that would be nice its also highly improbable. I find myself feeling the need to talk about work with someone because at times it is very disturbing to hear peoples stories and have to be with them in their pain. I feel i need just a short daily interaction of venting at the least to be able to continue to do this job otherwise i know i WILL burn out. Right now i have no outlet for real human connection or i find if i talk about anything even remotely intimate with friends they will shut down. I see this as a real issue for me, i have more socializing options now than ever however im still feeling profoundly lonely and unsupported with the exception of my sister.

Im at a point where i cant imagine anyone would ever really want to be close to me for any reason other than to use me. This makes me very depressed to even look at women especially. However there is some conceited part of me that i don’t like to admit that feels like someone would be fortunate to have me close to them because i think i would make a good friend/partner. I’m very uncomfortable with feeling as if i’m worthy of someones admiration.

My feelings of self worth are very much contradictory. I really need hope right now that it is possible to live a peaceful life with very little intimate connection.