hello again.

You remember the gal with the kids.  I did start dating her again.  I really do have feelings for her.  I have realized that don’t think i will ever feel the same as I did my ex girlfriend for anyone and am accepting that.  However i do have strong feelings for her.

So anyways, we are  doing good.  She is a really good woman  and i do see us being happy together.  Just might be a bumpy road getting there.  She has a lot of baggage also.  But, we do fit well together, when I’m with her i feel good.  And i do miss her also when we are apart.

Yes, i still miss and do think about my ex.  I can’t help it and honestly don’t know if i will ever be able to not.  I gave her every bit of my heart and soul and i will always love her deeply.  That is something i have to learn to live with and be able to move on and love someone else.

So here is the latest shit in my life….  I’ve had a roommate for almost two years now. (be two years in November).  Well last November he got severely depressed.  just shut down completely, hid in his room and then disappeared for a couple weeks.  It was  a hard winter/spring.  But i did whatever i could to help him.  Pretty much supported him financially and in any other way i could.  He seemed to pull out of it and was doing well for himself this spring/summer.  I then told him in June that i would like for him to move out before september.  He then got quite again and I thought he was getting depressed, but okay.  He then started eating all my food, using my stuff and not talking or messaging my at all.  So i thought i tried the good guy thing for too long and started giving tough love to him.  I told him he needs to find a place and be gone and that i wasn’t screwing around.  So he kept ignoring me, taking my cans and  bottles, and eating all my food and hiding in his room.  So i decided that i need to get him out of his room and i thought if I hide all my food in my RV and all the toiletries in my bathroom and lock up everything that he would have to leave to go to the store, then I can confront him.

Well that all backfired.  It was a week ago  last monday night.  My ex-wife called me at 11:15(i went to bed at 9:30) and woke me up concerned about my friend.  He had posted on FB about spreading his ashes at Salt creek falls!  So i got up and went to his room, his door was unlocked and i slowly opened it expecting the worse.  He was sitting on his bed in the dark and slammed it shut and locked it before i could do anything.  So my ex-wife came over and we tried talking to him for quite a while.  Still no response.  So i called the police out to my house.  Hoping that they could convince him to open his door and maybe take him in so he could get help.  Well they got no response either, so they asked me if I wanted them to bust in the door or leave him alone.  I told them I want him to get help, so go ahead and get in there.

As soon as they busted in the door, he shot himself.   I couldn’t believe it!  I knew he wasn’t doing well, but i didn’t think he would do that.  absolutely just put me in shock.  So this last week or so has been really crazy and kind of rough.  really has made me think about my life and all my choices and decisions i have made.

I’m so ready for some real good positive anymore.  It honestly feels like i’ve spent my whole life trying to climb out of a hole.  I get to where i can barely get my hands out and start pulling myself out and then i fall back in.  I’m so tired anymore, so tired of that happening.  Before with my marriage.  We were struggling financially in the beginning, but got by.  Everything was good.  Then we bought a house and found out shortly after that my job was in jeopardy.  I was able to find new work, and became an apprentice and then eventually became an electrician.  Everything was good and then i got played off 2-1/2 years in.  it got rough, then I was got picked up by another company.  Dream job.  They loved me.  I was in the works to run the whole thing and eventually become partner.  Then out of the blue, that company falls apart.  I’m laid off again.  this time for over a year(that’s when the recession first hit).  my wife got laid off shortly after as well.  We were both out of work for a long time, with a little one. ended up having to sell everything i could and still lost the house and went bankrupt.   After about a year i got picked up by another company(been here for 8 years now, so that’s good) and then my ex-wife found work too.  We still struggled.  Renting a house now.  her schedule and mine were opposite, so no daycare was good, but we never saw each other and that contributed to our separation.  When we finally got to a point where she was going to be making decent money and on a fixed schedule, it felt like things were going to get better.  That’s when she left me.  down i go again….  So i was left with High rent and the dog and whatever else.  I made it work for two years.  didn’t date or even have interest in dating.  Then i started to because i was lonely.  I short term dated a few different woman, then i met my ex.  BAM!  Heart stopped!  this is it.  found the one!    Everything was better than ever and only had a wonderful future ahead of me.  Then a year later, you all know what happened.  back in my hole again.  this time worse than ever.  Now i’m climbing out again.  Now this with my friend that i’ve known for over 15 years.  someone i tried to help and be there for.  Makes me wonder if i didn’t do enough, if i should of barged into his room when he first shut the door.  I really feel like I failed him and pushed him to this with my “tough love”.

I’m really trying to stay positive and be happy.  I do have something with my GF now.  I just really hope that it will grow into something amazing like i had before.  I think it’s different because it wasn’t instant and i didn’t fall in love like before.  I think with my GF now it’s going to take time.  especially considering that it is different considering she has her kiddos  full time all the time.  We don’t get the time like i was used to with my ex.  I’m really hoping that this will work out.  I do love her.  I know that.  I don’t love her like i did my ex.  But like i said.  I honesty don’t think i will ever love like that again.  Something about my ex…  I can’t explain it.  I still feel connected to her in some ways.

Why is love and life such a bitch?  (not looking for an answer).  then I’m not looking for pity or feeling sorry for myself.  Just venting.  Sorry that i’m all over the place today.  I am so ready to have a life that i smile everyday.  A life that I’m truly happy.  I had that once for about a year and it was freaking amazing.  Seriously have never been that happy in my life before.  I want that feeling back so bad.  I’m really hoping that I come out of all this in a better place.

will it work out with my GF?  only time will tell.  If not, then i guess i will move on then.  I’m going to stick it out and give it a chance.  I really think because of this cloud over my head and fog around my heart it is keeping me from being able to be all in.  I’m being positive and thinking that in time, i will feel like i should.

One thing that is kind of screwed up about me is that i still have that little bit of hope inside that maybe someday, my ex will come back to me.  maybe not in  a month or a year or even 10 years.  Even 20 years from now, if she did.  At this point how i feel today, if i still felt like that then.  I would give it a second thought.  If that isn’t true love for someone, then i don’t know what is.

The reality is that she is gone for good.  I know that and that is why i’m trying this with my GF now.  I can’t help that hope i have though.  Maybe over time it will fade out as well.

whew!  i guess i’ve been holding some stuff in for awhile.  Sorry again it’s so back and forth.  kind of just threw up a bunch of words and thoughts here…