Without any particular reason or event, I find myself slipping back into depression. I don’t really have an exact reason why, but I have been feeling disconnected from people again, and as if I’m not getting what I need from the relationships I do have with friends. Specifically the friend I see the most I’ve come to realize doesent ever ask about my life. I’ve been at a new internship for 3 weeks now and he hasn’t once asked me about it, he doesent even ask me how I’m doing when he sees me. I think it’s exhausting for me pretending to be in a good mood for people, I do the same thing at my internship too because I know any slip up in my personality could mean I get kicked out of my program, so I have to be on guard at school and at my internship to ensure i can graduate and not raise any red flags about my “questionable character” since I’m on thin ice with the u diversity for cussing out my supervisor twice at my last internship. To add to the stress I’m working at a residential inpatient treatment facility for kids with behavior issues who have all been traumatized and the poorly trained staff re-traumatize the kids everyday, and I’m only a student so I have little influence on what goes on. Lastly I’m just lonely, which completely contradicts the way I was feeling for the past few weeks. I think I need regular Meaningful interaction with people, and by meaningful I mean interactions which reciprocate care and intimacy.

PThis is my own fault too for not allowing people into my world when I feel depressed which only makes it worse because I feel ashamed of being sad and then disconnected. Some of my female friends went out Friday night and I didn’t want to go, but they insisted I come so they sent a taxi to my house at 1am to pick me up, I still pretended nothing was wrong but I do a bad job of hiding my feelings, especially when someone has seen me in better moods in the past. I still wouldn’t allow then to help me. Another friend invited me to a jam session/bbq yesterday and I lied and said I was sick, and yet another friend invited me for dinner today and I’m also going to lie and say I’m sick. It’s hard for me to want to go out into the world when I feel this way. I still have an intense longing for physical intimacy which I feel most ashamed of because it seems so easy for everyone else. When i hear stories of people’s numbers of partners it always makes me feel really insecure and hate myself for only having slept with 4 women. I feel there has to be something wrong with me. I hate myself so much right now and just want to stop.