Your latest posts were interesting – and continue to be similar to my own situation.

I knew my Indian bf was searching for a bride from his own culture because I came across his Shaadi page (online matrimonial site). I knew when he got married because he started posting pictures on his WhatsApp of him in Singapore. All the photos were just of him, selfies, but I wondered why the heck he would be there. I did a search for his name on Facebook and lo-and-behold, his page wasn’t updated but his new bride’s was … and I saw all the pictures of their wedding and cruise honeymoon to Singapore. Again, this was two months after we last talked. The level of shock I felt was immense. I couldn’t sleep for awhile. I could not imagine how or why someone who once professed loved for me could move on so quickly (acting like I never existed) and also do something so deceitful and hurtful to another human being.

In time, I’ve recognized several things.

1) this is cultural: Indian culture is worlds away from my own living in the west. The pressure and expectation to marry is vastly different and based upon the parents needs. I read a lot on this subject and have come to terms with the fact that my own relationship would never have worked anyway. His parents would not have wanted a non-Hindu, non-Caste, non-virgin girl for their son. They would also not have wanted someone who may be defiant to their traditions and familia responsibilities. Ultimately, I would not have wanted that life either. You have already mentioned that you and your ex share different cultures as well. I believe that he was always leading you on (yes, even for the long duration of time you knew each other). From other stories I’ve read about this type of situation, it is not uncommon. The men just like to get experience with someone before submitting to what their parents want. The men want to feel love, as love is not really part of arranged marriage. He found it with you but was ultimately too spineless to tell you of his long-term plans. Genuine love may have been present but respect wasn’t.

2) choice: You mention that his new “friend” is not as attractive and perhaps may seem like a downgrade from you. This was similar to my situation as well. The woman my ex married was NOT the type I saw him ending up with at all. But she did possess things that I did not have (same background/religion, etc.) and, as mentioned above, would be able to integrate into the family better than me. Reflecting on this, you may gain self-esteem by realizing that you were his choice. You were someone he CHOSE to make a connection with. This new woman is not his free choice and I personally don’t believe those connections will be as deep. Having said that, another choice he made was to make his parents happy over you. His methods in doing this were deceitful and hurtful and displayed a poor lack of character. Knowing this about him now, I hope you keep moving forward and only look back on the experience through the rear-view mirror. I know you deserve better than that but you also need to commit to WANTING more than that.

3) the Social Media stuff: I believe my ex posted those Singapore selfies on WhatsApp because he was sharing with other friends/family. Your ex may be doing the same. Remember, you are not the only connection he has on social media. It may not have been aimed at you (and probably wasn’t). In time I’ve realized how much more hurtful and disrespectful this was towards my ex’s new bride. Just like he erased my presence, he was now “editing” her from his life as well. He has never liked her photos on Facebook. He has never posted about her. And his relationship status, despite being married, was never updated. That is not something you do for someone you love and are proud of. I am somehow imaging your ex will be the same.

You do have the opportunity to be happy in life and I do believe that you will get through this. It will take time. The wounds are fresh. As I’ve said, I’m now two years onward and while I am doing better (and seeing someone new who is MUCH more compatible with me), I do still feel the pain. It’s not from losing the person though. It’s more in losing my self-esteem and a part of myself. But we can build that back up because we are strong. Start a journal. Start a hobby. Start researching other places to live and turn the page towards the next chapter which remains unwritten, but nonetheless full of of promise.

I am a friend for you online, when you need help. 🙂

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Michelle.