September 14, 2018 at 9:06 am #225641
I was in a relationship for 7 years. I am 6 years older to him. When we started off I was 32 and he was 26. He introduced me to his parents at the beginning and they liked me. However, during the 2<sup>nd</sup> year of our relationship he communicated my age to them and they were not happy.
One day his mother called me and told to stop the affair since they’re not happy with my age and we might have problems later on and I can’t have children and make him happy coz I’m older. I was really hurt b’coz I loved him so much. I explained him about his mom’s phone call and wanted to break up but he didn’t let me go. He’s too sensitive and he told that he would do something to himself if I leave him. So I didn’t want to hurt him and since I loved him we continued without knowing to our families.
but we had arguments on a regular basis due to this issue and I always wanted him to stop this but he didn't listen. Finally this year I had to take a decision. All these years I refused all the proposals that I got from my family bcoz I loved him. Since he didn’t leave me my mom called his parents and told that he’s’ bothering me thereafter things got worst for him and his family started pressurizing him. One day his Father called and threatened me asking to stop all connections with him. I was terrified coz it wasn’t me who was hanging on to him though I love him so much I always wanted him to leave me coz I didn’t want him to get into trouble bcoz of me.
So during the past few months he told me to find someone else and marry and until I get married he too can’t get settled in life. I was very hurt to hear this from him from the person whom I love so much wants me to go and marry someone else. One thing was clear for me that he loves me but seems like he doesn’t want to marry me bcoz of his parents. As per him either I should be with him in a relationship forever like this or else I have to marry someone else. Both ways sounds very selfish for me coz how can I stay in a relationship with him which does not lead anywhere and on the other hand how can I marry someone else when I love him so much. I Really don’t want anybody coz I can’t think of anyone else but he keeps pressurizing me to get married to someone soon. Finally I told him let’s forget others and get married but then he said he can do but if anything happens to his mother since she’s too sensitive even he will not live. I feel I’m torcherured emotionally by everyone how can I ask him to marry me when he keeps saying things like that which would affect his family. I was very hurt am I such a bad choice for him for his mother to react that way.
Day by day I feel he has changed a lot. Now he has come to a point where he doesn’t want me at all but I think he’s keeping in touch and checking on me because he only feels sorry for me. I am very hurt coz I feel end of the day he just want to dump me somewhere into someone so that he can make up his mind and fulfill his parents wishes. infact he told me he will end up with someone he doesn't love bcoz of his parents and as long as the girl is younger to him they don't care anything else. so he said that he will marry a younger person nothing else matters to him and others are responsible for his happiness. Also he told me I have been accusing his family several times and hes not happy with it, I actually didn't accuse I told him to stay away from me and marry someone they want whenever I tell that he blames me saying I'm cursing his family. also he told me no matter what they say and do I need to keep my mouth shut without accusing cursing them. I would have said certain things bcoz I was hurt but I never cursed anyone as such the way hes portraiting me. I only told him that they are been selfish and how can they treat me this way.
Im seriously helpless I miss him so much since I have only my mom. My father passed away last year and all 4 of my siblings lives overseas. I feel so lonely and depressed and clueless as what should I do coz end of the day I feel that I was not good enough for him and I have cursed his parents and all the blame is on me whereas I loved him honestly and still I do and I always want the best to happen to him, I am very sad that he left me for his family. Please advSeptember 15, 2018 at 8:30 am #225785
Yes, he left you for his Parents, just like you wrote in the title of your thread. You wrote Parents with a capital P. Indeed a child does view his/ her parents as Gods. Even though your now ex boyfriend is an adult, he still views his parents as gods. What are the chances of a mortal like you to be heard when the Gods voice their command…
Here is the reason why marrying him would have been a bad, bad idea for you: “he told me no matter what they say and do I need to keep my mouth shut… I only told him they are been selfish and how can they treat me this way”
If you married him, he would have continued to insist that you submit to his parents' abuse, that you accept and endure whatever mistreatment they chose for you.
I understand that you miss him and that you are lonely, but at least you are not submitting to abuse, at least you are not owned by his parents.
I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings and I do hope you feel better soon.
September 16, 2018 at 5:16 am #225843
- This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by anita.
Thank you very much for your kind words. Yes I totally agree with you and that's why I didn't wanna go between him and his parents bcoz he respects and loves his parents a lot. but due to this issues there were plenty of times where I hurt him by blocking him and ignoring his calls and mesaages but no matter what I do he tries to somehow reach me but this year april I went overseas for two weeks to my brothers place and i shut him off entirely and he couldn't contact me anyway. once I came he was terrified and he cried and told he went through a lot and suffered a lot coz I blocked him.
therafter I saw some changes but still he kept in touch. however yesterday was the worst day in my life. he messaged me and told he got a proposal and the horoscopes are matching n that hes gonna get married. he sent me pic of girl who comes for a project work to our office. he said he was gonna get married to her n to forget him. I didn't believe him coz I thought he was trying to gain attention coz deep down my heart I knew he will never leave me for someone else other than his parents. but unfortunately he sent few screen shots of the conversation where that girl says she loves him n etc. I was very hurt and shocked.
he told she likes him a lot n they started chatting while I was overseas since he had nobody n frustrated he had been having conversations with her.
my whole world fell apart I know our relashionship had problems bcoz of his parents n I wanted him to leave me but I didn't expect a girl to come between us that fast. he has been chatting since april and he decides to marry her and both his parents and her parents havae approved. I didn't know what to do or say whereas I was with him for seven years and he couldn't do any justice to me. how far does he know her to decide shes his life partner. I was very hurt didn't expect this from him he just dumped me just like that told me that hes sorry and to forgive him and he will always love me. I just wished him good luck and walked out with a lot of questions in my mind.
how did he change so fast? how can he forget me and he has been chatting with her behind my back. he told he decided to move coz he wanted me to hate him so that I too find someone and move so I had to say thank you very much for everything eventhough it was so hurtful.
even after his parents disagreed he was still faithful to me and he never left me but after he met this girl how can he decide to move so quickly I'm really sad I was up whole night crying I blocked him and I was crying and even today I cant make up my mind as how could he change and how can he move on leaving me alone after 7 years. did he have to wait 7 years to this to me. I don't know if I led him the path to reach her coz during the time ignored thats where he got connected to her. I don't kknow if am to blame me or blame him. but my life has been a nightmare since last night. I don't want to go to office I don't want to do anything else I don't want to face the word. just want to sit and cry cry and cry coz I miss him so much . please help need some advice to overcome coz I feel blamimg myself too and I fell hes taken revenge from me for ignoring meSeptember 16, 2018 at 6:49 am #225849
I will summarize your story as you shared it here first, and then I will offer you my thoughts:
You are now 39, your ex boyfriend is 33. You've been in a relationship with him for seven years (32-39). His parents disapproved of the relationship early on when they found out that you are older than him. His mother called you one day and told you to end the relationship with her son. You told your boyfriend about the call but he didn't want to end the relationship, threatening to hurt himself if you ended it. And so, the relationship continued in secret.
But there were “arguments on a regular basis” between the two of you. Your family suggested that you meet other men they had in mind for you, but you refused their proposals because you loved your then boyfriend. Your mother then called his mother and told her that he is bothering you. Next, his mother and father, aware that the relationship was still ongoing, pressured him to end it. His father called you and threatened you “to stop all connections with him”, with his son, that is.
Next, during the past few months, your boyfriend told you “to find someone else and marry” so that he too will get married, to someone else.
Finally you told him, “let's forget others and get married”! He then suggested to you that if he married you, his mother who is “too sensitive” may get sick or die, and then he will not be able to live himself.
When you told him that his parents are selfish and treat you badly, and expressed your anger at them, he told you that “no mater what they (his parents) say and do I need to keep my mouth shut”.
During the relationship you repeatedly “hurt him by blocking him and ignoring his calls and messages”, but “no matter what I do”, you wrote, “he tries to somehow reach me”. April this year you blocked him again and once again, “he was terrified and he cried and told he went through a lot and suffered a lot coz I blocked him”.
Yesterday he messaged you that he is going to marry a particular woman who works in his office, He told you that he was chatting with her since April and that “both his parents and her parents have approved”.
You asked: “how did he change so fast? How can he forget me and he has been chatting with her behind my back.. even after his parents disagreed he was still faithful to me and he never left me but after he met this girl how can he decide to move so quickly.. I don't know if am to blame me or blame him… I feel blaming myself too and I felt he's taken revenge from me for ignoring him”.
Now my input: there was no way this relationship could have ended in marriage. His parents were against it and he wouldn't have married you against his mother's wishes. He was clearly emotionally attached to you and continued the relationship with you but you were equally attached to him as well.
When you blocked him and stopped answering his messages, you did so not because you wanted to end the relationship, but because you wanted to cause him to marry you. You tried to manipulate him this way, to cause him to suffer and so, to motivate him to marry you.
Again, my point is that he wouldn't have married you no matter what you did, not as long as his parents, particularly his mother, was against the marriage. Your manipulative blocking/ ignoring him didn't help or hurt your goal of marrying him.
It looks like he was aware that you needed him as much as he needed you, that you were attached to him as strongly as he was attached to you, and maybe he was a bit less attached to you than you were to him, eventually, so he wanted you to marry someone else, so that he won't feel guilty about marrying someone else himself.
What do you think/ feel at this point?
anitaSeptember 16, 2018 at 2:30 pm #225957
Yes you have summarized my story perfectly and yes I did feel the same thing when he use to preasurise me to marry someone else. I felt that he wanted me to settle first and move on so that he don't feel guilty of marrying someone else himself later on.
it really hurts me Anita. but during the entire relashionship he was the person who was always showing emotions as how much he loves me and needs me but I had o bottle up all my feelings by myself and I couldn't express my love to him freely due to the issues we had. but he would never understand the love and affection I had in my heart. sometimes I felt his love was kind of selfish too. I did my best to support me in every aspect of his life but I felt he was blaming me that I was not good enough. but then why was he with me so long. were he trying for other options while he was with me. now that he found is perfect match he decided to walk out.
I don't know but its too much for me. we're in two different religions. Hes a Buddhist and I am a Muslim, In my culture its very diificult o find a life partner at the age of 39. even if I do I know I cannot changed my mind so quickly I just cant imagine my life with someone else. I just want to walk out from everything but I have my Mom at home whom I have to take care of. her Health condition is also not good.
to be honest though I am 39 I look very much younger than my age which I believe its a Gods gift. I look as if I am in my mid twenties. Most of the younger boys tries to approach me coz they're not aware of my age. The girl whom he has contacts with is 28 years old but she looks very much older than her age and older to me. I'm not crtizising about anyones looks but this is what I see. couple of weeks back he told me randomly don't crtisize if you see whom I would be in the future. you all will be in shock. I never took his words seriously at that time.
Also Anita I really don't like to go to work coz to be honest I'm very much isolated and don't have any friends. in my entire relashionship he never let me associate with anybody at work. I was not allowed to talk to any boys if I do he use to accuse me a lot and then say he was trying to protect me. when it comes to girls even if I had to hang out he doesn't let me saying you're hanging out with them and trying to meet other guys. so I couldn't tolerate the arguments and he was important to me more than anyone. so I don't mingle with anyone much. even at work he was the only person I associate with and I didnt feel the need of hanging out with anyone coz I got all the attention and love from him to the maximum. but in the recent times I noticed he has been adding lots of girls on social media on his profiles and contacts with everyone. He does all what he wants to do and restricts me in everything.
Also he has messaged one of my sister and told that he has been protecting me like our father and wether hes right or wrong I cannot remain single and he has blamed my family for not taking care of me and that I'm still single is because they haven't done any justice for me to give me in marriage. I was shocked to read it. I mean my family is my strength they are my life they support me in every way and they love me. but they were quiet at this point coz all what matter them was my happiness, they knew how much I loved him and liked him. they never forced me into anyone though they brought me any proposals but they are also suffering that I'm not settled in life. His entire msg for my sister was blaming me and my family nothing what he did and how his parents treated me. and he asked my sister to convince me to get settled with someone. my sis had asked him what he wants to do and he has told that he wants to move out. so she told me not to keep any hopes on him coz his entire msg says he wants to move out which is hurting me.
Now that hes gone I don't want to go to work I don't have anybody to talk with I will miss him so much. I am doing a really good job higher than him and am paid higher than him but I want to leave this place coz of the memories no friends no peace of mind etc. but at 39 I'm scared to take any risk it will be quite difficult to find a good place and right now I cant afford to leave my job. I am with a heavy heart where I cannot find happiness from any part of my life. I am unable to cry at home coz I don't want to hurt my mom but she kind of know the story and quite hurt.
I am very hurt I feel so lonely and clueless as what to do in life but I do know that I need a change but have no strength to think of anything. Also I cant tolerate the fact that he has contact with this girl he must be messaging her as how he did to me. how can he do this to me he was everything for me and I still believe it.September 16, 2018 at 6:59 pm #225981
I am sorry for your pain. I advise you not to make any changes in your life while you are in such emotional turmoil.
In my (American) culture, people in their 30s and beyond make their own love partner decisions. We do not get our parents to call and threaten the other family. Emotional independence is valued especially when it is between adult child and parent.
It is academic now to go over your past relationship. And you are too hurting to look to the future as of yet. It is time for healing and recovery.
I would recommend journalling about your pain and how your relationship affected you. This not only will help the healing process but also the self-reflective one as well. It is good to gain a perspective on what your role played into this outcome. Writing reflectively helps to gain that perspective
Mediate on your loneliness and grief. It has been proven if you sit with your emotions, it is easier to let go.
MarkSeptember 17, 2018 at 9:43 am #226067
Reads to me that he is selfish and self serving and has been so all along. I don't think he has any business calling your sister and telling your family what they should have or shouldn't have done with you, regarding marriage. He has no qualification to place him in the … father position in your family or any family, other than him having been born male.
He liked you very much, was emotionally attached to you.. loved you his way, which means in a selfish, self serving way. Which is not really love. In his future marriage he is likely to be selfish and self serving as well, just as he would have been if he married you.I understand you feeling hurt and lonely.
I figure better you continue your employment or find another but keep working. Let him know that his calls to anyone in your family is not welcomed. Have no contact with him, is my suggestion. If you would like me to comment on anything you shared that I didn't address, let me know what it is and I will address it. Otherwise, please post again with your thoughts and feelings and I would be glad to reply to you anytime.
anitaSeptember 17, 2018 at 9:02 pm #226117
Tthank you very much for your advise and yes I should try to write my emotions coz I still cant think of anything as how to overcome it. Day by day I feel my life is getting miserable and I'm going under depression. I hope and pray I could recover soon coz unable to concentrate on anything, lost my appetite, distress, week, etc etc.September 18, 2018 at 12:48 am #226137
Thanks Anita your words are helping me a lot. I met him yesterday and spoke to him face to face and told him that I am willing to marry him as how he wanted without his parents permission. I really wanted to know if he would do it coz it was me he who was refusing to proceed without their permission. Then he said he can do that coz I was important to him, but he needs to find a tactful way to refuse the other proposal and he said he will try his best to do it and I was happy. after I came home he called me and said a different story saying both parents agreed to meet tomrw and I'm unable to do anything or stop this. then I told him to open up and tell his parents that hes not happy with this girl and he cannot proceed then he said firmly sorry I cannot do that coz if I do my mom will hurt herself so I'm sorry even if u get hurt I have no choice u need to understand it. I never expected such a rude statement from him and to be frank now it is clear for me that all these were his drama . he knew if he bring his parents into pic I wouldn't agree at all so he used that to get rid of our marriage.
I really don't mind if he wanted to move from me but the way he handled things and the way he communicated it to me is not fair at all.
I don't know sometimes I feel good sometimes I end up crying. I hope I recover soon
But after yesterdays meet I'm very clear that hes not worth my effort coz he looked very gulty yestersaySeptember 18, 2018 at 6:34 am #226155
It is out of your control then. He is who he is and will not marry you. So what are you to do other than move on?
Learn all you can from the experience. Then proceed. If you do want to get married, and in the Muslim religion or culture, a 39 year old woman is too old to get married (no matter how young she looks), well, maybe you can meet and marry a man who does not share this belief or sentiment. There are such men.
Better find out first, if and when you meet another man, what he believes.. before you invest more of your time and hopes. If the man believes you are too old to marry, don't date him. If he cares what his Parents believe, then leave him to his parents.
I hope you feel better soon. Post anytime you'd like and I'll be glad to respond to you.
anitaSeptember 18, 2018 at 5:08 pm #226235
I really don't know what to do. when it comes to marriage I feel I have totally given up coz I loved him so much and I find it difficult to imagine my life with someone else. it might take a long time for me to heal. But with my age I don't think I have time to waste or to look for a good match.
So I just feel to remain this way but I know if am to be single I cannot live in my country coz the preassure that I get from my family, relations, friends will drive me crazy. As everyone's question would be as when I am getting married.
I will look for options to move out totally to a different place where there's nobody that I know. but before that I have to make some arrangements to my mom. Since only myself and my mom is living here I can send her to one of my siblings and proceed wherever I have to go and once I am settled I can always take her back to me.
Actually my family is very supportive and I can always go and live with them and they are ready to expect me. But hey have their own lives and I don't want to be a burden to anyone coz I was always a independent person.
I really appreciate you kindness for communicating with me and been there for me. your words and advise really helped me a lot Anita.
I will keep you posted for any updates and how I feel. U take care. Loads of Love.
RishaSeptember 19, 2018 at 4:08 am #226293
You are very welcome. Your plan to move away reads like a good plan to me.
You wrote: “I loved him so much and I find it difficult to imagine my life with someone else”- the following occurred to me as I read your sentence and it might be a good idea: do imagine. What if you closed your eyes while listening to romantic music and imagine yourself interacting with a different man, maybe a movie star you like. Just imagine the man taking you out to dinner, looking at you with love and respect, and so forth.
Would you like to try it and tell me how it goes?
anitaSeptember 19, 2018 at 10:15 am #226323
I did try what u told but unfortunately it didn't work 🙁 I mean I imagined my favourite movie star but I felt nothing imagined a good friend again its blank. My only wish is him – My ex. its so sad that I have to address him as my ex now. I just feel that nothing makes me happy. and to be honest Anita I love music and these days I don't listen to any kind of music. whenever I hear a song I get into a sad mood. I try my best to avoid listening.
I really dunno how am I gonna get out of this mess and so sad that he left me with so much pain and pretends as if I never existed in his lifeSeptember 19, 2018 at 10:25 am #226325
I am glad you tried. You feel so sad. We feel sad when we lose something that was important to us. When we miss a person it is not all about missing who that person was, but what the person represented for us. We lose our hopes and dreams when a relationship ends. Often it is not what it was that we lose but what it could have been if only… if only he was different.
Hopes and dreams are powerful. Maybe you can try something different, share here your hopes and dreams, those that you lost when this relationship ended. Print away whatever thoughts and images you have, those lost. If you can and want to, of course.
I will be away from the computer for about an hour, and will be back to read from you, if you post by then.
anitaSeptember 19, 2018 at 3:55 pm #226371
I really don't know Anita I feel so weak mentally and physically, I was just wondering what have I been doing for so long, my entire 30's were wasted with him. I got to know him when I was 31 our relashionship started when I was 32 and I was entirely committed to him and I was totally blind as how time passed and what ive missed.
I sometimes feel I want to consult a phycology I want to get out of this mess coz I feel I cant eat drink or sleep or concentrate on anything. my iblings have been supportive to me with regard to this matter they talk to me console me but nothing matters I'm still finding difficult to move on. I just want to go somewhere far away and do nothing. I wish if this world come to an end I feel I don't belong to this world.
a person who treated me so good have made me feel unwanted today. how can he move on with someone by giving so much pain to me. how can someone else be so important to him more than me.
what I did was a sacrifice to him and his family but finally this what I get all the hurt and sufferings. he could have handled this in a different way