September 20, 2018 at 2:35 am #226453
Anita, Hi again,
The other thing that hurts me is that – the last day when we met (the day I went to see him for the last time) we were in the same cab and he got off before me. other days before he gets down he gives me a kiss on my forehead or cheeks. but that particular day he didn’t so I asked him if I can kiss him on his cheek or forehead but he got disturbed and said no no and got off and walked out.
He knew in his heart that it would be our last meet though he pretended me that he would try to sort out something with his parents. However he was so rude and walked out as if I never mattered to him at any cost. at least he could have given me a goodbye kiss to console me. Maybe He didn’t let me even kiss him bcoz he didn’t want me to have any hopes.
but that last incident hurts me a lot. when I think the way he walked out its so heart breaking, As if I never mattered to him at all. That pic flashes into my face all the time. please tell me how to get away with it.September 20, 2018 at 9:48 am #226483
I understand that you feel “so weak mentally and physically”. To get strong again, you have to say goodbye to the old. He didn’t say goodbye, this last time you saw him. But you have to say goodbye to him, here on this thread, if not to him in person. And then you have to say goodbye to the part of you who trusted him, the part that invested in him, hoping and wishing it will pay off for you.
You will have to say goodbye to most of your thirties as well, to these years you spent in this past relationship, the time you wasted.
Time wasted is something everyone experiences, some wasting more than others. I wasted not only my thirties but much of my twenties before that and my forties after. I hope your forties will not be wasted much. But waste, that is the norm in people’s lives, not the exception, and so.. you are not alone in this.
People hurt people, this is unfortunately also the norm, that is, it is very common. We have to be careful in whom we trust and in whom we invest. “he could have handled this in a different way”, yes, he could have been honest with you, from the very beginning. That would have been a good, different way.
When he refused your kiss that last day, maybe he knew he didn’t deserve it, maybe. I don’t know. I believe he didn’t deserve it. He “pretended ..that he would try to sort out something with his parents”, that was his dishonesty, once again. Even if he did give you that “goodbye kiss to console (you)”- what worth would be in that kiss from a man who lied to you a moment before, telling you that he will try to sort out something with his parents..?
The worth of someone’s love for you is not only in how much he needed you at any particular time, how strongly he felt for you. The value of a man’s love is in telling you the truth the whole time, from the beginning, but he didn’t, not even in that last time you shared a cab with him.
You wrote: “when I think the way he walked out its so heart breaking… As if I never mattered to him at all”- you mattered to him but so did his Parents, and it mattered to him to make things easier on himself regardless of hurting you.
The feelings he had for you, the feelings he may still have, were never enough for him to have a trustworthy, dependable, strong and committed relationship with you. The reason they were not enough is because of that dishonesty, that self serving way of operating where his easy way out of problems is more important to him than being just and fair to another.
When you blocked him repeatedly in the past, you succeeded in triggering his feelings, but you were not able and could not have succeeded in triggering what he didn’t have, and that is honesty and loyalty to you, loyalty over the one to his Parents, that is.
As I wrote earlier in this post, saying goodbye to him and to the years spent with him or about him is very important in a process of recovering and healing.
Please post again with your thoughts and feelings, any time you would like and I will be glad to reply to you every time.
anitaSeptember 20, 2018 at 8:58 pm #226549
Yes he wouldn’t have said Good bye to me coz he was full of guilt. Though he pretended it was a proposal from home he never thought I would find out that this is a girl whom he got to know by himself and has been associating with her while I was with him. He introduced her to his parents checked their Horoscopes it matched. once everything is finalized that’s where he decided to tell me and told me its a proposal from home. I have no choice to do it. I still love you but I’m doing this to my parents. How could he back stab me after 7 years.
if it was genuinely a proposal from his home I would have let go and I woont be suffering so much. or else he could have told me about this girl earlier. He just blind fooled me. He knows my age he knows my plight he knows how difficult it is for me to move on with someone else but still he didn’t care.
Also Anita its so difficult for me to delete all his memories..messages, emails etc. I feel so sad to do it. This is a person whom I loved so much and I’m finding difficult to say Goodbye to all of his memories.
I cant help myself crying everyday the times that I cry is countless I’m unable to work I keep tearing every single moment and I run to the wash room and burst out all my tears. How long can I do this to myself. Everytime I try to make up my mind its so difficult.
Also what I’ve learnt from life is to give priority to myself coz I always sacrificed loads of things to the people I care. My siblings are very supportive in my situation and keeps in touch with me. However I feel no matter what…they have their own priorities in life before me. So the day I lose my mother I know I will be lonely in this world.. She’s there for me now and she’s my strength.
I have really become close to my GOD coz right now hes the only person I could talk to. if I was a Buddhist or Christian I feel I would have been a nun and I don’t find anything interesting in this world. but unfortunately I cannot do that in my religion.
I don’t know how my future would hold. I’m quite stable but I went through lot of obstacles in life to gain my stability even in the past.
its sad to hear about your story ‘I wasted not only my thirties but much of my twenties before that and my forties’ I really don’t know what u had to go through in life and if you wish you can share it with me.September 21, 2018 at 8:07 am #226589
I didn’t understand this part of the betrayal before and just realized it: it is not that he betrayed you only by ending the relationship with you and starting one with a woman that his parents chose for him, but he himself chose the woman and he introduced her to his parents, not the other way around. He lied to you telling you his parents chose her for him and that he had no choice but to obey his parents. And he kept this a secret from you, meeting her and choosing her while still in a relationship with you.
And so, his betrayal is leaving you to marry another woman, having initiated a relationship with another woman without telling you, introducing her to his parents, and then telling you they introduced her to him.
Dishonesty and betrayal hurts, it brings about suffering and this is what you are experiencing, hurt and suffering. It is so important to be honest with others, from the beginning and all the way through, so to not hurt others like he hurt you. I feel sad to think of you suffering as you do.
As far as much of my twenties and forties being wasted, as well as my thirties… add to it my teenage years, and connecting this to the topic of betrayal, I would say that like you, I too suffered from betrayal. The betrayal I suffered is unfortunately as common, I think, as the betrayal you experienced, and that is the betrayal of a child by her mother. She told me that she loved me, she told me that I was the reason for her being alive. She told me those things and I believed her, wanted to believe her even though she also told me that I was “a big zero”, even when she treated other people so kindly but not me. Even though she humiliated me for hours and hours, attacking me with accusations and those humiliation crusades.
The story of my wasted years is too long to tell here, of course. Betrayal though is when you love another person, like I loved my mother, nothing but love, nothing but wanting to see her happy, oh, how I wanted to see her happy, to make her happy… and then to be hurt by the very person you love so much. A betrayal like that, you don’t overcome it simply because time goes by, years or decades. You have to heal from it.
I hope you heal from your recent betrayal. It is possible, I know it is because I am healing, in the process of healing and made a lot of progress so far. So can you.
anitaSeptember 21, 2018 at 9:47 am #226599
Hi Anita, Yes that what I am sad of its not a proposal which came from his parents. This is a person who he was been chatting while I was abroad during April. and he decided that she is his life partner just in 4-5 months. Anyways today I was feeling very bad as I cried so many times then in the evening something stuck me and I thought I will write a email to him with all my feelings as how he made me feel and how he betrayed. I wrote a lengthy email and it was time to leave office so I didn’t want to send it coz he wouldn’t be able read today anyways instead I sent the email to myself thinking I will fwd it to him after the weekend.
And Anita after typing that email I felt so good and I felt a big relief as I have put all my emotions into that. I came home n I feel normal and i even had my meals properly coz all these days i have been starving.
however now though i feel good about the email I’m still trying to figure out if i am to send it or not. what do think about it? any thougghts? sometimes i feel by sending the email he will feel have no value of me. If be quiet that’s where he will think of me someday. So i was wondering if its worth to send coz he has already deceided so my email will not make any changes and why should i have to make him bad or blame him. He himself will realize it one day.
And I’m so sad to hear about your story and i understand how you feel. I hope i haven’t disturbed you by dragging you to your past.
By the way how old are u Anita and what about your family – I don’t know if I’m right or wrong to keep asking your personal details but you have been so nice to me and i would like to know u for some extent coz you have helped me a lot with your kind advice and kind words. I really appreciate it.September 21, 2018 at 10:32 am #226611
You are welcome. I shared quite a bit about me in my many, many postings here on these forums. As far as my age goes, I am in the decade after my forties, the one right after. Regarding the person I mentioned who betrayed me, I finally ended all contact with her a few years ago.
Regarding the email you didn’t send yet to him. You felt better after expressing your feelings there because your feelings matter to you. The problem is that if you send him this email and you don’t receive a response from him that expresses that your feelings are important to him, you are likely to be disappointed and hurt once again.
One reason counseling/ psychotherapy works when it does, is that the therapist listens attentively to the client, indicating that the client’s feelings are important. This gives the client relief and the hurt and anger diminish over time, in that empathetic, attentive setting. Imagine you went to see an unempathetic therapist, that would harm you, not help you.
Same principle here, you will be sending your email, expressing your true feelings to a person who doesn’t care much, reads to me. I mean, he cares about choosing what is convenient to him and what is convenient to him is to not think about how you feel, to not want to feel empathy for you. Because feeling empathy for you will inconvenience him.
What do you think?
anitaSeptember 21, 2018 at 11:42 am #226619MichelleParticipant
Though he pretended it was a proposal from home he never thought I would find out that this is a girl whom he got to know by himself and has been associating with her while I was with him. He introduced her to his parents checked their Horoscopes it matched. once everything is finalized that’s where he decided to tell me and told me its a proposal from home. I have no choice to do it. I still love you but I’m doing this to my parents. How could he back stab me after 7 years.
Risha – in time (a long time), you will realize that this “man” (I use that term loosely) wasn’t worthy of you. He is a garbage human being for what he did to you. I was in a similar situation. I dated a man from India for several years. He would always tell me how much he loved me. Asked me to marry him several times. But I had a feeling. I believe a woman’s intuition is her superpower in life. It helps us. We need to listen. Anyway, after some investigation, I discovered that the person I was with was courting other women for marriage as well. When I confronted him, he turned the tables to get out of his lie and told me I never meant anything to him at all, that we weren’t even seeing each other. His words hurt me very, very deeply. I had never been in a situation like that before. I have never had someone be so deceitful towards me. It was a hard lesson to learn. He got married—not even engaged, full-on married—two months after we last talked.
I wanted to relate this because your story is not unique. This type of thing happens to women all over the world. It is NOT a reflection on your or your worth. Someone must gave me the advice “Don’t lose the good in you to accept the bad in someone else.” You did nothing wrong. Let him carry his karma.
It’s been two years since my experience happened. It still weighs on my self-esteem, I have trust issues with men, and I admit to sometimes reminiscing about the good times because it seemed so much easier … but my mind won’t let me falter. I realize that a lot of what I thought was reality, was in fact a lie. Where I now get my strength is by communicating and sharing with others online (like in this forum). Do NOT send that email. Please don’t. Continue writing to people here. Perhaps start a journal. I agree with Anita in that if you can move away, you should research it. You can start a new life, no matter the age.
It will get easier bit by bit. If you need help or an online friend to chat with, please don’t hesitate to let me know. I am thinking about you and sending positive thoughts your way.September 22, 2018 at 9:57 am #226683
Yes thanks for your great advise regarding the email. Yes you’re correct. I decided not to send the email. Eventhough I was feeling good yesterday I still cant come into of making up my mind. I know it will take some time to heal and I am finding it difficult to get through the days. This is so true – ‘he cares about choosing what is convenient to him and what is convenient to him is to not think about how you feel’ – So me expressing all my emotions wouldn’t matter to him anyway.
I am so glad I found this forum and got in touch with you, Thank you very much for your great advises. Actually its so nice to know that good people do exist in this world after the betrayal that i received from the most trustable person in this world..
Thank you so much Anita I am trying my best to and please do het out of this situation and you have been a great strength to me.
RishaSeptember 22, 2018 at 10:15 am #226687
I was so sad to hear your story – ‘I never meant anything to him at all, that we weren’t even seeing each other’ This kind of statement is quite harsh and i can imagine how you felt that time. Men are so selfish. They first gain the trust andonce you trust them blindly they react totally the opposite way without giving us a clue.
I hope you have recovered by now. You do deserve much better.
Yes I am not sending that email – after going thru the responses that I received from you and Anita, I really thought about it and yes I agree with you both. Your words and kind advises really did help me.
Thank you Michelle its so kind of you to suggest the online Friend thing and of course I would love to coz how can I miss any chance to not have any contacts with such wonderful people like You and Anita.
Hope to hear from you on same,
RishaSeptember 22, 2018 at 10:31 am #226693
You are welcome and thank you for your kind words!
Yes, I think it is better that you didn’t and don’t send that email to him, or any communication of your feelings. I will very soon get away from the computer for about 17 hours. When I am back, I will write more to you. If you would like to post again before then, please do, anytime. I will be glad to read from you anytime you post and reply.
anitaSeptember 22, 2018 at 3:51 pm #226715
Thanks Anita, but again I’m feeling so down. how can a person who loved me so much change his mind so quickly. How can he love someone else so quickly how can he change his feelings towards someone else so quickly. i can never do that Anita it will take a long time for me to forget him. No matter what he did to me it will take a very long time. I can never chat like or love someone so quickly.
he was the one who gave me so much hopes and he built up so much trust. I cant imagine that he’s loving someone else. how much i tried to push him away but he dragged me so far and so long and left me with no clue. Can someone do this to someone who loves so much.
Sometimes I have mix feelings. I myself fool myself thinking he cannot love anyone else no matter what he still loves and thinks of me. Sometimes I blame myself and think he did this to me bcoz of this reason. Sometimes I hate me, sometimes iI hate him, sometimes I feel sorry for him. but I’m also so sad about myself as why I am still feeling this way towards this guy. what has he done to me.
Day by day I have become weak mentally and physically. I have lost so much weight for the last one week. I seriously look awful now. I want myself back this is not me I was never this way. I cant imagine I’m experiencing this in my late thirties.
No matter how many people are around i feel so lonely lost. Sometimes i want to go somewhere far away and shut myself.September 23, 2018 at 3:38 am #226755
You wrote: “how much I tried to push him away”. You mentioned pushing him away before, blocking him. My understanding is that you tested him at the time, testing his feelings for you, that is blocking him not so to end the relationship with him, but to see if he will feel strongly enough for you to chase you. Am I correct?
You are definitely hurting, this is why you “want to go somewhere far away”.
anitaSeptember 23, 2018 at 4:51 am #226767
Yes Anita it is hurting. I have deactivated all my social networks for the last two weeks however today i checked his profile thru one of my friends account and since all his posts are public i saw a latest post done yesterday captioned as weekend trip with friends he has uploaded few pics alone though the caption says ‘Friends’ only he was posing. I know who his friends are and non of them were tagged. So friends meaning should be this new girl. He looks happy and enjoying. I was so shocked to see his behaviour its fine he left me and hurt me but on top of that he had to post these things? If he really cared for me how could he still keep hurting me. Our official breakup was last monday and on saturday he is enjoying a trip with his so-called secret friends. Cant imagine i was in love with a such person. All my siblings are on his profile didnt he realize how they would feel.
Right now my mind is blank. I know hes gone forever but the way he ended uo things and the way hes hurting me is unbelievableSeptember 23, 2018 at 5:15 am #226773
You wrote. “the way he’s hurting me is unbelievable”- do you think that he was trying to hurt you when he posted photos of himself smiling on a trip, that he meant for you to see those photos and feel the pain that you feel?
anitaSeptember 23, 2018 at 7:35 am #226789
Yes Anita I do feel that he’s hurting me or else he simply don’t care just doing his own stuff.
But what were you trying to say? Isn’t that what you think?