October 24, 2018 at 10:02 am #233011
‘if he feels badly about it at times, this is a consequence of his choice’ – Yes i know its out of my control. I wish if he moves out from my life totally.
Yes i shouldnt be giving him the slightest hint that i will be available for him when he wants.
He has been continously calling me for the last 3 weeks. Today was a holiday so so he cant contact me. I dont knw if he would continue this tmrw as well. I will keep u posted. Thank u very much Anita appreciate your kindness as always !
RishaOctober 24, 2018 at 10:06 am #233013
Hi Honey blossom im so sorry to miss your post. Yes I too really want to leave my workplace but im not in a position of doing it right away. It might take sometime.
I wish something works out fast and that i would be able to move out. If i do then he wont have a way to reach me.
Thank u si much Honeyblossom. Write to u soon tc
RishaOctober 24, 2018 at 10:07 am #233015
You are welcome. I hope he stops calling you and that if he doesn’t, that there is a way to make him stop, involving some authority that he respects or fears, workplace supervisors maybe. Looking forward to read from you tomorrow.
anitaOctober 24, 2018 at 11:00 am #233029BrandyParticipant
This guy wants to control your happiness. The thought of you moving on and having a happy life without him terrifies him, so he won’t let you move on. His ego needs to know that you cannot function without him. The more you hurt, the more satisfied he becomes.
Don’t let him win. Don’t even play his game. Break free from the hold he has on you. Just do it. You have a lot to offer a man and this guy’s a loser.
BOctober 25, 2018 at 2:13 am #233151
He continues to call me even today and he forwarded a random email about a property stating ‘FYI – If you’re interested’
I just can’t believe how could he just be so normal and email something like that. He is pretending as if nothing happened between us. I mean I am so hurt for his behavior. After sending that email he still kept on calling me.
I was wondering rather than getting someone else involved…if I should write to him or send a voice note asking him to stop contacting me and that I’m not interested to entertain his drama?
I actually don’t want to pick up the phone and talk to him. I really don’t want to hear his voice and his pathetic stories. I just want to tell what I want to tell so that he gets the hint that no matter what he does I will not pick the phone. At least he will realize that and stop calling me.
Im a bit confused if I’m to do this by myself or not. what are your thoughts?
‘The more you hurt, the more satisfied he becomes’ – I’m very confused by this bcoz on 5th of Oct was the last day that I spoke to him later that day he dropped me a email asking me to forgive him and to find someone who is suitable for myself and he’s waiting to see my happiness and he’s going out of my life forever – I didn’t respond instead I blocked him from my phone.
Then after two days he messaged me on fb accusing me for having contacts with his friends (which I never did) and from that day till today he has been calling me this way on my office number.
So I’m confused of what he wants from me. does he want me to be happy or does he want me to suffer. if he wishes me to be happy I can understand coz since he did a mistake he wants me to be happy. but why does he want me not to move on now that he has someone else in his life and he decided to move…why not me? what’s his problem.
I don’t understand his theory. He’s such a mess.
RishaOctober 25, 2018 at 4:09 am #233173
Last night he has sent me a email which I just saw and he has mentioned ‘ not to have any contacts with anyone coz people might try to destroy me. we know what happened to our story and to tell my mom and find someone and to get married soon.
He has also mentioned that our past is past but he still loves me and he misses me a lot but he wants me to get settled soon.
I don’t understand him how could he ask me to marry someone else. Hes driving me crazy Anita. This hurts me a lot.
RishaOctober 25, 2018 at 4:25 am #233179
I didn’t understand his last email to you. What I do understand is that it doesn’t matter what he meant. It doesn’t matter what he wants from you. In Reality you are a single woman who works and lives with her mother. Am I correct?
In reality, you are not in a relationship with any man, you work, you live with your mother. He is not your employer, he doesn’t financially support you, will not be financially supporting you. He is not your boyfriend and will not be. He is just someone who calls you and sends you emails.
As time goes on, whether he continues to send you emails and call you, you will still live the same life, unless you change it. You will still be single, still working where you are working, still living with your mother.
What does it matter what he thinks, what he feels, what he wants. It makes no difference to your life circumstances!
I thought you already told him not to contact you. If you didn’t, do send him a very clear message to not contact you in any way, shape or form. If he doesn’t respect your clear assertion, then involve someone he will listen to, be it a work supervisor, or someone else.
anitaOctober 25, 2018 at 12:02 pm #233335BrandyParticipant
I haven’t read this entire thread carefully but I have read many of your posts carefully and this is my humble opinion…
This guy is angry. He’s angry because his parents control his life. Since he has no control over his own life, he wants to control yours, and so far he’s done a pretty good job of that. He was with you for many years, strung you along. He knew early on that the relationship wasn’t going to lead to marriage even though you were hopeful it would. He knew that in your/his culture women are expected to marry young, but he’s a selfish, self-serving, angry guy and chose to disregard that. He used you. He used your money, your love, and other things too I bet, and he knows it. You were what he wanted (and perhaps still wants) but he’s not in control of his life; his parents are. He could have chosen to do the right thing by ending the relationship early on so that you’d have a better chance at finding a good decent man in your country to marry, but he didn’t. He didn’t want a good decent man to find you. He couldn’t bear you falling in love with someone else. He was not looking out for your best interests; he was looking out for his.
So now the time has come when he wishes to marry, so he broke up with you. And you are devastated because you always thought that when the time came for him to marry he’d choose you. So he tells you he wants two things from you: 1) your forgiveness and 2) for you to marry someone else. Let’s first look at #2. After a seven year relationship with this guy you are now 39 years old and in your culture women are expected to marry in their early twenties. So this means that in order to find a husband in your country, it’s highly likely that you’ll be forced to settle for someone you’d never be interested in marrying. And you know what? That’s what he wants! He’s so unhappy with his own predicament and he can’t bear the thought of you finding a good decent man and being happy when he isn’t. The thought of you marrying someone you truly love terrifies him. And now to #1, he wants you to forgive him for all this so that he doesn’t feel any guilt? What???
I believe that he intended for you and him to keep in contact while you’re both married to less desirable partners because, face it, without you who will he turn to when he needs money (and other things)? This is why he wants your forgiveness. I believe that he did not expect that you would cut him off (block him, etc.) and try to move on, and that has him panicked. That was not in his grand plan. So in one day he makes over 100 calls to you, tries to contact your mom to tell her lies about you, blames you for different things, all because what he wants to happen isn’t happening at all, and he is punishing you for that. You’re dealing with a very controlling man who can’t control anything right now.
In my culture, people marry whomever they wish to marry regardless of what their parents want. They sometimes marry early in life and sometimes later in life. They marry for love. I know several women who are in their mid-fifties who are single and dating and doing just fine. Some are divorced, some have never married, one is widowed. They are all living their own lives, dating whom they wish to date, having fun, living their lives. At one point I believe you discussed an interest in relocating overseas. Perhaps you’ll chose a country with a culture more like mine when it comes to marriage.
Lastly, don’t assume that this guy is happy just because his facebook photos/posts indicate that he is. He’s not fooling anyone.
BOctober 25, 2018 at 10:28 pm #233411
Hi Anita & B,
His email says that I never showed that I love him and I wanted him. If didn’t how can I be in a relationship for so long. I actually always told him that I need a solution and to get his parents permission or tell them that you’re going to marry me and walk out. He refused to do it instead he said he can marry me without telling them. In case if they get to know later on then lets see and I was not happy with that bcoz knowing him he might blame thereafter that he lost his parents because of me and I know how much he is attached to his family so I didn’t want to separate him from them. I always thought from his side. Eventhough I wanted him badly still I told him to leave me and move on which he never did so we continued this for 7 years and thereafter I didn’t mind bcoz I thought he will be there for me always. And i trusted him blindly bcoz he always made me believe that he would never leave me. But time to time I argued saying lets take a break and see how things moves on but he never stayed away from me. So i think i was over confident assuming he would be there with me forever.
So now he’s blaming me saying I’m the one who asked him to move on and when he that now I am blaming him. I am so hurt he knows the reason why I asked him to stay away that doesn’t mean he had to cheat me right? I mean if this was a proposal I would have understood or if we weren’t together and he had found someone still I would have tolerated it but what he did was while staying with me he has been chatting and moving with her and then he introduced her to his parents, checked the horoscopes and when everything was finalized he decided to tell me. That hurts me a lot.
At least he could have told me about her before he introduced her to his parents. after everything is done he says he cant change his decision. then why was i with him for so long? so many fake promises. when i wanted to leave when his mother scolded me he didn’t let me go. As B said when his time came he decided to move out by hurting me and after all the sacrifice i did to him he used as a weapon to move on.
I wasted my time and life even without considering my age and my family. I stayed with him at all his good and bad times.
but he couldn’t consider my last request he couldn’t do any justice for me. He walked out saying he cant change the decision now and told me to marry someone else.
I mean yes i guess he has been controlling my life in this entire relationship. Even after he left he sends me emails asking me to get settled soon and marry someone soon. Also he keeps sending stuff mentioning that he’s gone and its bcoz i pushed him away and that he’s gone now. I mean does he really have to keep reminding me that he’s gone? then again he blames me saying i have contacts with his friends.
I seriously don’t know what to do. this entire relationship has been very painful and even after he’s gone its still painful. I guess now what he wants is for me marry someone so that he can move on peacefully but I’m not a person who can do that coz it will take me a long time to even think of someone else. But in my case i have no time to even waste.
So I’m very frustrated. Sometimes I really feel if it was my mistake to even tell him to leave me and move on. did i give him that space coz he keeps blaming me that its my fault. I still do love him but i cannot do anything about it coz he keeps reminding me that he’s gone and presurising me to marry someone else. So this proves that he doesn’t want me in his life and it hurts a lot.
RishaOctober 26, 2018 at 5:45 am #233449
Can you tell me if the following is true: during the relationship with him his parents disapproved of a marriage between you and him. But he was willing to marry you without their approval. He offered you marriage. You refused his offer. You told him that you don’t want to marry him without his parents’ approval and you repeatedly broke up with him and blocked him, and you told him to move on.
You repeatedly broke up with him and told him to move on. He then begged his way back to you each time. Finally he did start dating another woman and you are upset that he took your advice and did move on. Am I understanding correctly?
anitaOctober 26, 2018 at 8:49 am #233511
Hi Anita yes he told he will marry me without his parents permission n also told me his mother is very sensitive n will hurt herself so I was scared to go ahead so told him that we should stop this or take a break to sort out things between us but he didnt want to do that so i had to block him sevaral times but he somehow reached me forced me and got me back.
This has been continuing for sometime and his father called me and threatened me once and thats when i got reallt hurt n i told him to go and find someone who is suitable but i never meant it anita. I never thought he would do such thing.
I really dont understand anything wether he really wanted me or not. I mean wether he just used those words saying his mother would harm herself knowing i would not agree or truly if his mother is such person.
What i understood was he didnt give his 100% to convince his parents coz he always wanted to be their obedient child.
But yes i did block him and have told him find simeone suitable as per his parents wish. But my worry is he didnt want to do it earlier so why now. What made him change suddenly and even if he wanted he could have told me instead of keeping me blind.
I dont understand this Anita I feel we have messed up everything.October 26, 2018 at 9:53 am #233525
You gave him double messages: marry me but don’t marry me. I want you in my life but I don’t want you in my life. I want you to move on but I don’t. Yes, you do have a part in this mess. I agree with your current evaluation, “we have messed up everything”, you and him.
If he wanted to marry you and offered to marry you, and that is what you wanted, you should have made it happen. It was not your job to worry about his mother- she would have been just fine, most likely.
Well, now what?
anitaOctober 26, 2018 at 10:33 am #233535
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Yes Anita now i kind of realized that i didnt give priority of my needs instead i was thinking about everyone else. Since his mother let me down about my age. I thought i was not good enough for him. I thought he can find someone better. Then i thought about him losing his parents bcoz of me. So i thought its unfair for him in everyway. So thats why i always wanted him to somehow convince them so that he too can be happy. But i dont know wether he did that or not though he said he tried his best.</p>
I know i had a chance to make him mine but it slipped thru my fingers bcoz i have been thinking about others and not myself. So everything went against me and finally I ended up getting hurt. But he shouldnt have cheated me with another girl..what he did to me was unfair.
But i have to tell u that his changes are very sudden and after he left me his behaviour and lifestyle everything has changed. I see him as a total stranger not the person whom i knew for years.
Even today he called me as always and while i was out waiting for my transport to get home. I saw him entering at our main gate and waiting in our car park looking at me and after 5 min he left passing me.
Hes acting very strange. If he has moved out with another person why bother to come over to see me. When i came home i saw him gone for a movie (he has updated his status). Everything is seems to me like a jigsaw puzzle.
But no matter what i know that he has gone out of my life. I just cant accept the fact that hes gone. It hurts a lot. And he still calling me, coming to see me, then emailing asking to marry someone else these things makes me difficult to move on.
I know enough i thought about others its time i do something to myself. I just hate myself and i hate him too for all what happened.
RishaOctober 26, 2018 at 11:52 am #233563MichelleParticipant
It honestly wouldn’t have mattered that much Risha. In your culture, the parents have more pull than one would imagine. If he is close to them, you never would have ended up with him anyway. I know you hurt. And, from personal experience, I know this will be on your mind for awhile. I’m two years out from my similar relationship and I still think about it and the pain that was caused me. It was life-changing. Go easy on yourself. Love yourself. Be kind to yourself. Learn to set boundaries moving forward. This has been helpful towards me.
You can look back and reflect on the time you shared together. I’m sure you hold some good memories. There is the phrase “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened”. His intentions may not have been always clear (I am of the camp that he was probably manipulative and deceitful in some capacity towards you) but you have shown that YOU are capable of love, faith and honesty. There is someone out there in this universe that is worthy of being on the receiving end of it.
As others have mentioned, having him enter your space in the manner he is will not help you moving forward. I would advise you to block him and get supervisors involved if his antics continue at work. You’re stronger than you think. Close the door and don’t look back.October 26, 2018 at 1:50 pm #233577
Be clear with him now. Give him clear messages, simple and clear. And then, be persistent.
If you want him to not contact you anymore in any way, shape or form, tell him so, simply and clearly. Maybe he will respect what you want if he knows clearly what it is that you want.
I hope he does and I hope you feel better soon.
- This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by anita.