September 23, 2018 at 8:19 am #226795
I will get back to you shortly. (away from the computer for a while)
anitaSeptember 23, 2018 at 9:22 am #226805MichelleParticipant
Your latest posts were interesting – and continue to be similar to my own situation.
I knew my Indian bf was searching for a bride from his own culture because I came across his Shaadi page (online matrimonial site). I knew when he got married because he started posting pictures on his WhatsApp of him in Singapore. All the photos were just of him, selfies, but I wondered why the heck he would be there. I did a search for his name on Facebook and lo-and-behold, his page wasn’t updated but his new bride’s was … and I saw all the pictures of their wedding and cruise honeymoon to Singapore. Again, this was two months after we last talked. The level of shock I felt was immense. I couldn’t sleep for awhile. I could not imagine how or why someone who once professed loved for me could move on so quickly (acting like I never existed) and also do something so deceitful and hurtful to another human being.
In time, I’ve recognized several things.
1) this is cultural: Indian culture is worlds away from my own living in the west. The pressure and expectation to marry is vastly different and based upon the parents needs. I read a lot on this subject and have come to terms with the fact that my own relationship would never have worked anyway. His parents would not have wanted a non-Hindu, non-Caste, non-virgin girl for their son. They would also not have wanted someone who may be defiant to their traditions and familia responsibilities. Ultimately, I would not have wanted that life either. You have already mentioned that you and your ex share different cultures as well. I believe that he was always leading you on (yes, even for the long duration of time you knew each other). From other stories I’ve read about this type of situation, it is not uncommon. The men just like to get experience with someone before submitting to what their parents want. The men want to feel love, as love is not really part of arranged marriage. He found it with you but was ultimately too spineless to tell you of his long-term plans. Genuine love may have been present but respect wasn’t.
2) choice: You mention that his new “friend” is not as attractive and perhaps may seem like a downgrade from you. This was similar to my situation as well. The woman my ex married was NOT the type I saw him ending up with at all. But she did possess things that I did not have (same background/religion, etc.) and, as mentioned above, would be able to integrate into the family better than me. Reflecting on this, you may gain self-esteem by realizing that you were his choice. You were someone he CHOSE to make a connection with. This new woman is not his free choice and I personally don’t believe those connections will be as deep. Having said that, another choice he made was to make his parents happy over you. His methods in doing this were deceitful and hurtful and displayed a poor lack of character. Knowing this about him now, I hope you keep moving forward and only look back on the experience through the rear-view mirror. I know you deserve better than that but you also need to commit to WANTING more than that.
3) the Social Media stuff: I believe my ex posted those Singapore selfies on WhatsApp because he was sharing with other friends/family. Your ex may be doing the same. Remember, you are not the only connection he has on social media. It may not have been aimed at you (and probably wasn’t). In time I’ve realized how much more hurtful and disrespectful this was towards my ex’s new bride. Just like he erased my presence, he was now “editing” her from his life as well. He has never liked her photos on Facebook. He has never posted about her. And his relationship status, despite being married, was never updated. That is not something you do for someone you love and are proud of. I am somehow imaging your ex will be the same.
You do have the opportunity to be happy in life and I do believe that you will get through this. It will take time. The wounds are fresh. As I’ve said, I’m now two years onward and while I am doing better (and seeing someone new who is MUCH more compatible with me), I do still feel the pain. It’s not from losing the person though. It’s more in losing my self-esteem and a part of myself. But we can build that back up because we are strong. Start a journal. Start a hobby. Start researching other places to live and turn the page towards the next chapter which remains unwritten, but nonetheless full of of promise.
I am a friend for you online, when you need help. 🙂
September 23, 2018 at 10:53 am #226833
- This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by Michelle.
I think he posted what he posted not so to hurt you but because he is going on with his life, you being in his past, issue closed. Only it is not close for you, understandably. I have a few ideas, maybe there is a way for you to not get him back, or.. make him marry you, but get some justice for yourself, at least attempt at some justice. I will be back to the computer in about 17 hours.
anitaSeptember 23, 2018 at 5:22 pm #226855
Attemt some justice for myself ? I know he has moved on. But by posting his day to day happenings doesnt his consiiousness question him as how i would feel.
He himself accepted that its unfair for me and he himself told me that he couldnt do any justice for me….sorry for everything and to forgive him. He knows im hurt and he has done wrong but he cannot help me for me to move on.
This is how he wrapped up our 7 years relashionship. So i have to deal everything by myself.
So i dont think i can gain any justice from his side. I have a beautiful family they have been so supportive to me. I have to do my best to be strong to get out of this.September 24, 2018 at 4:17 am #226919
There are a few elements in your story:
1. The age difference: you were 32 when the relationship started, and a woman’s age, like you mentioned yourself, is a sensitive issue in the Muslim culture where a woman is expected to get married in her early twenties. So when you met him you were already passed marrying age. He on the other hand, as a man of 26 at the time was not restricted that way and under no pressure to get married soon.
2. You and him live in India where a person’s marriage is his parents’ business. I read more than a dozen threads in the Relationship Forum here, threads written by women who were not able to marry who they wanted because the man’s parents disapproved of the marriage. (There was only one thread, the most recent, where a man did marry a woman his parents disapproved of, only to allow his parents to mistreat her on a regular, ongoing basis after the marriage).
You wrote in your original post: “during the 2nd year of our relationship he communicated my age to them (his parents) and they were not happy… his mother called me and told me to stop the affair”- and so, early on, you were about 33 then, the relationship was doomed, marriage was not going to take place.
3. Your misunderstanding of #2. You pushed him away and took him back, argued with him and so on, as if the choice to marry you was his. You put your trust in his feelings instead of putting your trust in the reality you live in, that is, a marriage was not going to take place and it had nothing to do with how strongly he loved you, what he told you, none of that. It was about his parents, not about him.
It was never about how much he loved you or how much you loved him. It still isn’t.
Yesterday when I wrote to you about justice, I forgot about the fact that his parents had let you know early on that they disapprove of a marriage between the two of you, and that you continued the relationship in secret because of their disapproval. If his parents mislead you, if he and his parents promised you marriage for seven years and then withdrew, at least in the USA if that happened, you could have filed a civil lawsuit seeking significant financial compensation.
The only justice you can make happen is to educate women regarding getting involved with Indian men, educate them that marrying an Indian man without his parents’ disapproval is almost impossible. You can join efforts with other women who are trying to educate women and prevent them from future heartache and wasted years.
anitaSeptember 24, 2018 at 4:26 am #226925
* correction, last paragraph: ” without his parents’ approval”, not without his parents’ disapproval.September 24, 2018 at 4:29 am #226929
Hi Anita yes sometimes I blame myself for letting me drag into this situation. I could have let go of him the day his mother called but he never wanted to leave me he said will try to work out things but I never knew he would do something like this when his time came. I was with him coz I truly loved him and was blind with his love and attention till the day we broke off.
By the way Anita I’m not from India. I am from SriLanka.September 24, 2018 at 4:43 am #226935
Sri Lanka, same marriage culture though, isn’t it? You can help educate women in Sri Lanka and India and wherever arranged marriages is the practice.
“I truly loved him and was blind”- strong emotion will blind us. Not only love but anger, and ongoing fear as well, makes our brain foggy so we don’t think effectively.
We think a lot when under the influence of strong emotion, but we don’t think effectively. Logic is lost in that overthinking. So what is the logical thing for you to do now?
anitaSeptember 24, 2018 at 4:57 am #226937
Yes your story is similar to mine too. I sacrificed my time for him coz 7 years is not a small period. If he wasn’t there in my life I would have been settled by now. But he left me in a very bad situation so at 39 I sit here and wonder what to do in life. though his parents came up with the age issue he always told me my age doesn’t matter to him coz he loves me too much. Yes I agree with your statement – ‘Genuine love may have been present but respect wasn’t’.
Yes his new so called girl is not his type and I cannot imagine he wants her to be his life partner. By the way she is a Christian and he is a Buddhist. what he told me was ‘All of you will be shocked to see whom I’ve choosed but my family doesn’t care anything as long as she’s younger to me. They don’t care about her religion, her wealth, her looks or anything what only matters is her age so now that I’ve found their requirement I will go ahead to please them, in case someday if something happens to me all of them are responsible. that day I will remind my family that I’m going thru this bcoz I have done wrong to this girl who loved me so much and coz I left her. So he kind of showed me that he’s purely doing this for his parents. But what I am worried is he found this girl had connections with her and introduced to them. So he should have some liking towards her to even consider right so why all this big drama. this girl is 28 and a well qualified professional unlike me. I feel he can do good in life and his life will be sorted with this girl coz he’s not very stable in life yet. So most probably that also would have been his reason to move out for his own benefits.
He didn’t want to take the risk with me coz if he comes to me. he has to leave his family, we both have to leave our jobs coz we work together, then he’s not very stable in life as me, the age gap…all this would effect our future so he said Good bye to me.
I am glad that you have moved on Michelle and its so sad to learn as how you ex is treating his wife. It shows that he’s not comfortable with her to share any details of her.
I cant imagine how could people fake their marriage and life. Even my ex told me the only justice he can do for me is that he would love only me forever. But I don’t believe those. When they find a new person and when they live together obviously everything will change and will definitely have a deeper connection with her.
Anyways I’m still trying to get over this mess coz I’m suffering each and every moment. No matter what I still love him and I do miss him.
RishaSeptember 24, 2018 at 5:06 am #226939
Yes it is the same culture in srilanka too. By the way where are u from?
Yes no matter what he did I am still unable to take him out of my mind. I feel there’s some stubbornness in me which is holding me back to move on. I still enjoy living in that fairy tale world I guess but that will never help me to move on.
Let me think this way. No matter what he did to me the end result is that there were plenty of negative things for us if we are together. so considering the negatives I think sometimes it happened for a good reason so eventhough its hard I need to make up my mind. sometimes I am able to make up my mind but sometimes I start getting sad and depressed. its like a mood swing.September 24, 2018 at 5:31 am #226941
When I am troubled about a situation, I ask myself: is there anything I need to do? If there is nothing for me to do, then it helps me to know that there is nothing for me to do, no action to consider taking.
This takes away that need to think and think and think. We think when we think that there is something we need to do.
Is there something you need to do? Recently you thought of doing something, sending him that email. That brought about lots of thinking and enforced your feelings about him, missing him, needing him etc.
You decided not to send that email. Is there anything else you consider doing, any action to take?
anitaSeptember 24, 2018 at 5:49 am #226945
Though I decided not to send the email I still feel there’re lot of untold things to him and its bothering me. I mean he’s the only person whom I communicated with apart from my family. I wish if I can get answers from him for all my questions coz he left me with lot of doubts. I actually trusted him more than myself. I never ever thought he would cheat me coz he was that attached to me.
but after my last meet he treated me as a stranger which is still unbearable. I never expected our relationship would end this way. So deep down my heart I wish I can talk to him for the one last time. But sadly I know I cant do that coz he has made up his mind.
the second thing is I’m not sure if I am to block him and delete him from my social media accounts. if I delete its like I will lose him forever and if I didn’t I might get hurt to see his updates.so for the moment I have deactivated my accounts coz I don’t want to delete him.
I told him that I wont block him either but to make sure not to reach me if he values me. But I told that with anger but so far he never tried to reach me. I see him online on whats app all the time but I’m scared to block him.
So I’m kind of clueless if I’m to shut him off completely from life or not. Both ways will hurt me a lot
RishaSeptember 24, 2018 at 6:21 am #226953
So you still want to tell him things, you still want to communicate with him, you want answers from him, to talk to him (“there’re lot of untold things to him… get answers from him.. I wish I can talk to him”), you deactivated your social accounts but didn’t block or delete him, still hoping he will reach out to you (“but so far he never tired to reach me”), you still look for him on whats app.
Basically, in your heart, the relationship is still going on and/or is about to resume at any time. You didn’t get to a realization yet that the relationship is really over. Until you do, you will be stuck in this sadness and hurt and disbelief, that kind of clueless state of mind (“I’m kind of clueless”).
Is the relationship over or is it not over?
anitaSeptember 24, 2018 at 6:27 am #226955
Its over coz he did tell me that he cant be with me. So I cannot force him and go after him like what he did to me. But I’m so sad Anita I know I have lost him already but I have some kind of fear to cut all connections with him. I know its no point having any contacts with him but its so difficult to make up my mind.
so that’s why I deactivated all my accounts and didn’t even block him. once I recovered totally I might figure out he is not worth to be in my life at all. Then I thought I will delete him.September 24, 2018 at 7:42 am #226961
When a relationship ends with someone we were so attached to, it is like a death of sorts. For as long as you keep hoping, you keep suffering. If you accept this death, no longer hoping, you will feel deep sadness but then the sadness will lift, there will be light at the end of .. the sadness- tunnel.
When you keep hoping, you never get to the end of the tunnel, it becomes a never ending tunnel.