Dear Anita,

It’s good to be back in communication with you. As much as I continue to grow in to more independence, I often think of you, my Tiny Buddha pen pal!!

How are things in the States? I went to type LA, but realised that was where you used to live. Where do you live now??

Yes. The red hair was another step for me towards being the person, and leading the life that I want to live. Punk means alot to me. The music, bands, gigs, the scene, the creativity, expressing myself through piercings, tatts, hair etc etc.

I have struggled alot with feeling like I am worthy of doing these things, or feeling like I can. These things make me happy, and I guess sometimes I feel that it’s selfish for me to be happy in this world. I tend to think that because I know what suffering is, and Ive always thought that if someone else is suffering then I need to suffer too. I guess I grew up with that being taught to me. And I’ve been so accustom to ignoring my needs and living depending on my parents emotions and suffering.

For example. It seems strange that I should feel good about spending time getting ready in the morning and wearing the clothes I want to wear, make up etc and not feel selfish. Why should I feel happy about something like that when so many others are suffering?

I guess this is a conundrum I have. Because by doing the things I love, I feel selfish. But not doing the things I love, I feel unfulfilled and frustrated. It makes it difficult for me to see friends who express themselves greatly in their appearance, create art all the time and are in bands because I know that fulfills me. Thinking I could be in a band and out energy towards that feels like such a dream.

In terms of the band. I have band practice tomorrow. I need to go over some songs tonight. I am extremely excited, but also very nervous! As again, this is something I really want and so I want to be good enough.

Last year even the thought of playing in front of people made my hands sweat, but I pushed myself and played live etc. This is definitely another push. To really make myself believe that I am good enough to be in a band and play with others…..

It’s almost like me believing in myself would be the ultimate act of selfishness. Maybe this is something my parents taught me as well. Most likely. The biggest core belief I feel.

I had a chat with my manager yesterday. We talked for an hour or so about everything. Even Toby. He is so supportive. So so supportive. And we spoke about confidence, and when I spoke to him about the band he said “why do you think that you’re not good enough? There’s always going to be someone better than you, but why should that stop you? Like me becoming manager here. I was scared as hell. Wondered what people would think because I’m younger, new to the job etc. But I thought, I will try my best. And if my best isn’t good enough. I’ll re-evaluate and see what I can do differently and try that. And if I try again and it doesn’t work, I’ll re-evaluate and try again. And if I keep trying and it doesn’t work, then it’s simply the fact that it wasn’t for me, and I’ll put my best elsewhere. There’s no point in worrying, because how you think about things will affect how you play. You are as good as you think you are”.

We had a massive confidence talk and he reminded me that a positive attitude and confidence in life attracts that back. I felt very motivated to work yesterday. And a reminder that I am capable.

That’s a big one. Me actually feeling capable in life.

As for Toby. I did think about suggesting tiny buddha to him. He hasn’t replied to my last message. I think he is so far in his own troubles that the time he takes to think about my words, if he does, will be far and in between. I will see how it goes and suggest when the time is right.

Cat