September 19, 2018 at 2:47 am #226279
How are you???
anitaSeptember 24, 2018 at 12:00 am #226915
I will reply properly when I go on a computer at the library. Should be either today or tomorrow. In general I am surprisingly best I’ve ever been. A lot of positivity and hope for what’s coming. Will explain more later, Cat xxSeptember 24, 2018 at 4:22 am #226923
I am glad to read from you and looking forward to reading more from you!
anitaSeptember 30, 2018 at 10:53 am #228235
Dear anita and Cat:
I wouldn’t like to intervene your posts as it seems it’s a conversation between you two. I read all your comments in three days. I would like to say it’s wonderful. I learnt a lot from both of you. Your conversation is inspiring for me because I have the same problem as you(BPD). The way you deal with BPD/changing moods gets me more motivated to keep on. “Even if life is’n perfect, it is still worthy”. I’m really glad that there are helpful, compassionate people like you somewhere else in this world.
P.S: I apologize if I bother you with my poor English usage.But I’m not sorry if it’s not perfect. I am learning English as a second language. I also enjoyed the way you put your story into words.
RamOctober 14, 2018 at 8:38 pm #231017
How have you been? I hope this message finds you well. I still don’t have a replacement laptop yet so writing this on my phone… Soon hopefully!!
With the burglaries – it turns out that there was loads happening in my area 🙁 We think that there is a gang of people going around commiting crimes the past few months. A couple of people have been attacked and in one case a cat was killed 🙁 its a long shot that we will get our stuff back, but we are all doing really well despite this.
We are all spending more time in the lounge talking! Haha. And I am using this time to catch up on reading.
Generally, I am well. I finished CBT a couple of months ago now and have remained pretty stable!! I am continuously learning and growing, and remembering mindfulness on a daily basis.
I do suffer alot with nightmares. Almost every night now. It is a test to wake up in the morning and step forward in the day with positivity, as the nightmares are always about my family and feeling guilty or feeling trapped with them in the nightmares.
I am trying to endure them, and remind myself I can still lead the life I want despite my family seeing me as Satan.
Cat xxoOctober 15, 2018 at 5:24 am #231067
* Dear Ram: I didn’t realize you posted here until a few moments ago. It happens sometimes that a new submission is not reflected under the list of Topics. Your English is fine with me and your post is welcome, as far as I am concerned. I would like to read more from you. If you would like, will you start your own thread? I will be glad to communicate with you there.
So good to read from you. Good to read you are doing well in spite of the burglary and the nightmares. What fuels those nightmares is the … nightmarish experience you did experience, in real life, as a child. If you find a way to share about that experience in a way that weakens the fear, the hurt, the anger that you felt then, there will be less fuel for the nightmares.
I knew my story and talked about it long before I was able to weaken my anxiety, hurt and anger. The reason is that I told the story without me being in the story. I remembered some things but in dry manner, without emotions. It is the remembering and the telling of the story with you in it, from the point of view of the scared, hurt, angry child, that weakens those emotions.
I hope you get a new laptop soon and that you will post more often, as often as you want, that is.
October 16, 2018 at 10:34 pm #231421
- This reply was modified 9 months ago by anita.
Sorry I thought I replied to this!! Thank you for reading through all of mine and Anita’s messages, that is some dedication!!
Anita has helped me greatly since last December, and I have kept her updated throughout my progress!!
In terms of the BPD, I found that CBT, mindfulness and tiny buddha really helped me.
I wish you luck, and hope that you continue to progress, hope tiny buddha works for you too.
CatOctober 16, 2018 at 10:40 pm #231423
The nightmares often involve my parents. The last nightmare I had, I was trying to be heard. Then I started shouting, and then I was physically attacked by my Dad. At one point I had a gun to protect myself. But I don’t think I killed anyone.
THE nightmare ended with me standing on the balcony of my home and allowing me myself to gracefully fall as if going in to a dive, this was me commiting suicide.
Sorry this is dark, but this is the kind of thing I get. Very dark. Very dark. I am trying to not let it affect my waking life.
I looked at my Dad’s Facebook yesterday. His photo is of him and my mum dressed up in a suit and her in a dress. His cover photo is still with me in it. This made me confused and I cried. He doesn’t talk to me or my sister and yet his cover photo is that. It doesn’t make sense.
CatOctober 17, 2018 at 5:15 am #231477
Maybe he has you in his Facebook cover photo for appearances, wanting to appear to people seeing his Facebook page as a loving father. But he was not and is not.
Don’t get alarmed by your nightmares, being dark. Your childhood was dark, so your dreams reflect that. You wanted to be heard so intensely as a child, that in your dream, you shouted. You felt so much pain that you wanted that pain to end. When our childhoods are dark, our thoughts are, our dreams are.
If we remain in no contact with the people responsible for that darkness in our childhoods, and we proceed to heal from the hurt and fear and deep sadness then the nightmares will ease up, and there will be more light in them.
anitaOctober 18, 2018 at 7:51 am #231677
Thank you for that re-affirmation. I saw the photo cover, and part of me felt sorry for him. As if me and my sister have broken my parents hearts etc. That was always what they did. Even though they gave us constant grief, anger and were so unjustly harsh on us, whenever we stood up for ourselves, they would play the victim card and make us feel guilty for hurting their feelings. It was a lose-lose situation: endure the misery and anger of them, or stand up to them and then feel horrifically awful, as if we had just done something really awful.
I thought it strange, because the last time I had contact with any of my close family was back in the summer. I think I told you about this at the time. My sister trapped in her vicious cycle, and being mad and mean at me because I couldn’t help. My Dad texting briefly, then not replying, and my sister being called up by Mum, who said “You and Cat have made your decision. That’s it”.
I haven’t heard from any of them since. From my perspective, my parents created this toxic, abusive, guilt tripping, Co dependent relationship. They had 2 children, who grew up within that. 1 recognised these traits and strove to break free. The other just repeated the attitudes and beliefs she was taught.
As much as I care about them all, due to their, selfishness/lack of respect, they fail to see or respect me for who I am. If I am not being the person that they want me to be, or giving them what they need, they don’t love me. And I don’t believe that this is how people should be treated.
CatOctober 18, 2018 at 8:13 am #231681
This is the trap a lot of children find themselves in: we naturally feel angry when abused and then the abusers tell us … that we abuse them by being angry. The natural purpose of anger is that we protect ourselves. It is so in nature, how other animals function. But in our families, feeling guilty for feeling angry, we get stuck.
I hope you continue having no contact with your family, and that you break free from this trap. You are doing better than your sister but you are not home free yet, literally. You have to keep repeating the truth to yourself. Eventually you will believe it thoroughly enough that your nightmares will stop.
anitaNovember 12, 2018 at 6:06 am #236493
How are you, Cat?
anitaNovember 13, 2018 at 3:07 pm #236755
Good to hear from you. Its funny that you messaged on here, as I’ve been meaning to message you the past couple days!! I meant to do it on 11:11 (a big spiritual day for me) but I was busy writing down manifestations for the future!!
How are you? How have you been?
Things for me have been pretty stable, but I do continue to push myself and grow.
Bristol has been great! We went all out on Halloween and did the house up amazing. My birthday was back in April but I was having a breakdown so didn’t celebrate it, so I celebrated it on Halloween instead. Great time with my close friends. Very funny.
I continue to do the long hour days. Which is fine.
Last week I had a bit of an epiphany at work. I was on a long day and around 4.30 I started feeling really trapped. It made me think about my life. The job I’m at now isn’t a job where I want to be forever. I would prefer a more chilled job but atm I need to just keep a job in order to pay back my debt. That is the main goal. I also realised that band stuff was really stagnant and not happening. And realised Ive been wanting to dye my hair for ages.
I took some time out on shift and had a little cry. I called my friend Emily. It was a wake up call to start doing the things I love now. I got in touch with my bassist and told her I NEED to do this etc. Need to throw myself in to a project. She got it together and we now have band practice this coming Friday. I also dyed my hair bright red last night and it looks great. Today I also did loads of guitar practice. I feel like I am becoming the person I want to be.
I struggle alot thinking I’m not good enough. But I did it. I dyed my hair. And I practiced guitar and wrote a solo. I’m starting to feel like my goals aren’t as impossible as I have seen them in my mind. And that is honestly one of the most liberating things ever for me….. I wish I could feel this capable and in alignment all the time!
In general things are stable and good…. In the past week I have had contact with Toby over messenger… I asked to see how he was, and it ended up turning in to a conversation where he was open with me about where he’s at and why he’s being self destructive. He opened up about his family and his upbringing and lots of different stuff and how he sees himself etc. I spoke to him for hours. He said he felt weird because he doesn’t talk to people about his stuff etc.
I was rational and I connected with him on a human to human level and was giving him some advice about well being, self care etc.
It was hard for me to hear him be so hard on himself. He calls himself a lot of horrible names all the time and is generally in a really bad place. Doing a lot of drugs, drinking alot etc etc.
I was worried about him. And because I’m an empath, my worry and concern stayed with me and consumed me to the point where I didn’t go to work on Monday.
I spoke to my friend Michael about all of this, and he said that it sounds like I am a healer. I agreed and said that when I see someone suffering, I feel that energy and feel an urgent call to help them.
I realised this. I spoke to Toby and I said, that I can’t sacrifice my health or wellbeing in order to help him and that only he can do that for himself. But I did say that I would encourage him towards being able to help and care for himself.
I offer him advice. As and when he replies. I have put his message notifications on mute, so I can read them as and when I am ready and so messages do not alarm me etc.
My housemates think I shouldn’t be talking to him. But I have a feeling that I’m probably one of the few people in his life who have time, patience and general kindness that I think he does need from somewhere. He is in a really bad place, and if my messages bring a little bit of hope in to his life, then I think it’s worth it.
Let me know your thoughts.
CatNovember 14, 2018 at 7:00 am #236817
Bright red haired Cat, I have a visual!
I think it is not a good idea for you to talk to Toby. It will drag you down and it will not pull him up- that is a miserable return on investment. All your time, empathy, energy and the result is most likely to be self destructive, that is, you destroy yourself while he continues to destroy himself.
Your friend Michael said you are a healer, well, then continue to do the very worthy job of healing yourself, you are doing well, better not sacrifice your well-being).
If you want, tell Toby about this website, maybe he will post here and I will reply. If he doesn’t know your user name and if Toby is not his real name, he may not know that you posted here or he may not go through the trouble of reading the so many, many threads on record here.
November 15, 2018 at 7:49 am #236967
- This reply was modified 8 months ago by anita.
It’s good to be back in communication with you. As much as I continue to grow in to more independence, I often think of you, my Tiny Buddha pen pal!!
How are things in the States? I went to type LA, but realised that was where you used to live. Where do you live now??
Yes. The red hair was another step for me towards being the person, and leading the life that I want to live. Punk means alot to me. The music, bands, gigs, the scene, the creativity, expressing myself through piercings, tatts, hair etc etc.
I have struggled alot with feeling like I am worthy of doing these things, or feeling like I can. These things make me happy, and I guess sometimes I feel that it’s selfish for me to be happy in this world. I tend to think that because I know what suffering is, and Ive always thought that if someone else is suffering then I need to suffer too. I guess I grew up with that being taught to me. And I’ve been so accustom to ignoring my needs and living depending on my parents emotions and suffering.
For example. It seems strange that I should feel good about spending time getting ready in the morning and wearing the clothes I want to wear, make up etc and not feel selfish. Why should I feel happy about something like that when so many others are suffering?
I guess this is a conundrum I have. Because by doing the things I love, I feel selfish. But not doing the things I love, I feel unfulfilled and frustrated. It makes it difficult for me to see friends who express themselves greatly in their appearance, create art all the time and are in bands because I know that fulfills me. Thinking I could be in a band and out energy towards that feels like such a dream.
In terms of the band. I have band practice tomorrow. I need to go over some songs tonight. I am extremely excited, but also very nervous! As again, this is something I really want and so I want to be good enough.
Last year even the thought of playing in front of people made my hands sweat, but I pushed myself and played live etc. This is definitely another push. To really make myself believe that I am good enough to be in a band and play with others…..
It’s almost like me believing in myself would be the ultimate act of selfishness. Maybe this is something my parents taught me as well. Most likely. The biggest core belief I feel.
I had a chat with my manager yesterday. We talked for an hour or so about everything. Even Toby. He is so supportive. So so supportive. And we spoke about confidence, and when I spoke to him about the band he said “why do you think that you’re not good enough? There’s always going to be someone better than you, but why should that stop you? Like me becoming manager here. I was scared as hell. Wondered what people would think because I’m younger, new to the job etc. But I thought, I will try my best. And if my best isn’t good enough. I’ll re-evaluate and see what I can do differently and try that. And if I try again and it doesn’t work, I’ll re-evaluate and try again. And if I keep trying and it doesn’t work, then it’s simply the fact that it wasn’t for me, and I’ll put my best elsewhere. There’s no point in worrying, because how you think about things will affect how you play. You are as good as you think you are”.
We had a massive confidence talk and he reminded me that a positive attitude and confidence in life attracts that back. I felt very motivated to work yesterday. And a reminder that I am capable.
That’s a big one. Me actually feeling capable in life.
As for Toby. I did think about suggesting tiny buddha to him. He hasn’t replied to my last message. I think he is so far in his own troubles that the time he takes to think about my words, if he does, will be far and in between. I will see how it goes and suggest when the time is right.