well, I wrote a post yesterday morning and submitted it, for some reason it didn’t go through?!?!.

I can’t remember exactly what I put, but this is how I’m feeling today…

Yes Anita, I wish there was a switch.  I would turn it off, then break it!  But there is not.  Unfortunately I get the pleasure of learning how to be okay with all of this.

Well I cried day before yesterday and yesterday.  Actually twice yesterday.  I don’t know if it’s because i’m re-living all the decisions i made a year ago or just because i do miss her that much.  I know after she left me, i went down hill so hard and spiraled out of control in a very bad way.  I think what may have been one of my last opportunities to have another shot or fix anything that was done, i did just the opposite of what i should have.  I kept talking to her best friend, kept bugging my ex, then i got back on dating sites almost instantly.  It was like i didn’t know how to be alone anymore and i needed a fix.  Some attention of some kind.  What’s funny is that it did work for a minute.  When ever i would start messaging other woman, sometimes 3 or 4 at the same time, it would take my mind off of my ex.  But as soon as I stopped and had no attention.  I would think about her and miss her, ect, ect, ect…  Again.  I feel like a child.  It’s stupid crazy.  Like I forgot how to be alone,  how to live on my own without the need for that.

When my ex-wife left me.  It bothered me, but not like this.  I was fine.  I never withdrew from doing things with my friends, I never got dark and went to a dark place.  And I didn’t crave attention from others.  I was alone with no dating, no looking, nothing for 2 years.  And it didn’t bother me.  The only reason i did start looking was because I started to get lonely.  I started wanting someone to be with me, to hold and kiss me like we’ve been apart for years.  Someone to love me.  I didn’t “need” it.  I just wanted it.

Now…  look at me.  A freakin mess.  Every day i think about that woman on the way to work, and almost every night before I fall asleep.  This is really bad.  The last time i was intimate with my girlfriend, i thought about my ex.  Almost like flashbacks of when her and I would make love or have sex.

I feel horrible.  I really think having my girlfriend work opposite shifts is starting to take it’s toll on me.  It’s starting to get me resentful.  I don’t know what to do about that either.  It’s not like she can just quit.  She is looking for other work, every day.  In fact she just had an interview at the post office, but the schedule was even worse.  I am very afraid that if something doesn’t change there before the end of the year that i will get to a point where i can’t do it anymore.  Raising someone elses kids 5 days a week is tough.

The really shitty part is that if this was my ex.  I would do it without question.  I would of even drove an hour each way each day if needed for as long as needed and loved doing it.  What does that say about my feelings for my girlfriend?  I know I love her, but is it not an unconditional love?  Or a love  like i would have for a really good friend?  I feel like in my own selfish desperation to have that attention i needed, i jumped into a situation compromising other peoples livelihood and well being.  Now there are hers and my kids in the balance and her as well.

I feel like i’m just digging a hole for myself deeper and deeper.

I am so grateful for my girlfriend, but i do think i should of never started dating again.  I should of been like Valora, just been alone to fix myself and never contacted my ex again either.  Or at least waited until i was better and in a better place.

off subject, but talking about songs.  There is one song that came out this year “Never be the same”.  Man it spoke to my heart.  It is exactly how I feel about my ex.  Just like anita said in the beginning.  It was like a drug addiction, still is.  Just the fact that one text or phone call would make me feel better instantly.  Just like getting a fix after going through withdrawals.

All i do know is this.  I’m going to focus on doing my best, not making any situation about me, learning to not be so insecure and worry about what other people need and think.  And try to make it about the kids.  The are innocent in all of this and didn’t ask for it.  It is very hard though when i feel my heart so heavy every day.

I’m so tired of feeling like this.  Tired of being depressed.  All i want is to be happy again.  Be that guy I once was that could stay up till 11:00 and get up at 5am refreshed and pumped.  Looking forward to weekends and time at home.  Excited about every day and having that “feeling” in my heart again.  I feel just the opposite now.  I feel like I can’t get enough sleep and i’m still always tired, I don’t take care  of myself like i should, I feel like at work I can’t wait to be done and just do the minimum to get by so i can go home, then when i’m home i do the same just so i can work and I feel like there is no reward for any of it.  Once the weekend gets here, i’m even more depressed because i never do anything anymore.  I just sit at home.  In fact, last year, i ran out of vacation time, because i was doing so much.  This year i have over  a week left i have to use up before december 31.  that means i barely took a week off over the whole year.  and most of that was around 4th of July.  I’ve really begun to hate the person i have become and don’t know how to change it.  I listen to what everyone tells me, but actually having it stick and being able to do it is different.  Like i know exactly what i need and should do, but when it comes to it.  I don’t have the drive and motivation to do it.  Again this is where i really feel pathetic.  The fact that if my ex where to want something with me again.  It’s like I would wake up out of a sleep.  I would perk up, kick ass at work, go home, clean the shit out of my house, be healthy, start working out, have energy, have better self hygiene, do things with my kids again.  the whole works.  It’s freaking nuts.  why can’t i just feel that and be that way on my own?