Dear Bella:

Part of depression is the law of physics that states that a body in motion tends to  continue motion and a body at rest turns to  remain at  rest, it is  true to  any  thing, including us. So you are  used to the way you live now, and  the natural tendency is that it remains as it  is. If you changed from Rest  to  Motion, you will get used to the latter.

I know you tried and gave up. If you tried again, don’t give up this time. If you decide to try again, to switch from rest to motion and stick to a daily active routine.

I see no other way, really, but do just that, have a daily  routine of motion, or action.  “Every day  I seem to awaken to nothing but more loneliness… I don’t know what to do”- plan a routine, like a manager of your own life, plan a routine, follow, correct this or that item in the plan, perfect  a routine that works for you.

But I know how it feels, this deep hole you mentioned, the dark place. Reminds  me  of the first chapter of Genesis, “In the beginning..” it was dark, it reads, just  like what  you stated. And  everything was a mess, water everywhere (similar to the  leaks you were worried about  when it rained), and then god organized things, was  the  manager of that mess, placing water here and there, creating  a  dry space, then proceeding  to do something in that dry space every single day, rested on the  seventh.  That  was  a weekly routine of sorts.

What  if you do the same, starting at Your Beginning, today, where  it is dark and a mess, and start an action routine, organizing, creating, and.. then you can rest on the seventh day.

anita