Today is a bad day.  I’m working on letting my thoughts go as fast as they come into my head.  I wish I would of never started talking to her again.  I was doing so well before then.  It’s all I can do not to want to contact her.  I know that’s the worst thing I could ever do.  Just hurting a bit today.  I have a feeling it’s going to be a little rougher than normal until the holidays are over.

My freaking brain thought, I could send her a xmas card or a Merry Xmas message.  What the hell am i thinking.  That would just start all this pain all over again.  This is so difficult sometimes.  It’s very hard to tell myself that it is over.  Even knowing all the facts and the main fact that she is in a happy relationship with someone for almost a year now.  I think a big part of my problem is I fall backwards and think why wasn’t i worth the effort, especially after how patient I was with all of her baggage and issues she had and how much I waited for her to be better.  Or I think that this guy is just a comfort guy and she can’t feel towards him like she did me.   I know, i’m a little retarded for even going there.  Just thoughts that run through my head.  I am doing my best and letting them go.  Gosh though, sometimes it really tugs at my heart bad.  I’m sure as more time goes on i will get better.

I was thinking about it.  When we stopped talking after we first broke up.  It was 3 months or so with no contact.  then i had steady off and on contact with her,  keeping my hopes there and emotions there also for 6 months.  It has now been only about 2 months without contact with her.  So in a way i guess i’ve been starting all over, grieving all over again.  Maybe in another few months i will be a lot better.  Dang it still hurts though.  I really do miss her.  when i get like this, i feel like i would give anything just for a chance to make her laugh and smile again and hear and see it.

Man.   I can’t express all these feelings rushing through.  I’m pushing through it.  putting them on a shelf.  Hopefully they stay there..

Thanks for listening again.