Kkasxo, Shelby,

Please bare with me as that was a lot to read and take in. If I miss any important points out I apologise.

@Kkasxo – Congratulations on the raise (: and I think you are brave to try things again with your ex. From what you have said it does seem like he is trying to see things from your point of view, for example texting you saying it won’t be that bad if you come in the house etc. It is survival to be on good times with our families because in our society they bring us up and support us emotionally/financially until we have our own livelihoods carved out, so I do see why people try to be a peacemaker and try to mediate a situation rather than turn around and say “im choosing my gf, stop having an issue with her and just be nice for once”, and if he still lives at home then I can understand why he may be hesitant to actually follow through with actions. I hope that makes sense, I guess all I am saying is it seems like he may be seeing your point of view and may be starting to decide to be a partner to you and realising the damage he caused for you from the trauma of your breakup.

I resonate with previous feelings from a certain situation coming back and haunting you, it sucks because you almost have to reassure yourself it isn’t the same situation.

“”I have promised myself that 2019 will be my year. A year full of self discovery and development. Trying to learn about myself again. After all of the events of 2018 I feel I am a completely different person and I need to get to know her from scratch. What am I really about now?! What is it I want from my life? What makes me happy?! ”  – I agree with this, definitely a shared mission.

@Shelbyville – Congratulations on the presentations!

“He says it’s millions of years of evolution, where our unconscious mind has developed a mechanism called grief to ensure we survive. So when my unconscious feels it’s let in enough of the pain at a time, it gives a break and reprieve so it’ll only give me enough that I can cope with at any given time.”” – our bodies and minds are amazing and I believe that even though we do not see it everyday we are mentally healing and even when I get a wave of feeling overwhelmed or feeling upset I have to remind myself it will pass and its my mind processing things.

“guess special moments in life are made more special by sharing them with the one you love.” – I feel like that but with everything in my life, I usually phone my boyfriend on my way home and he’s the only person who I have felt actually cares about the little things in my day, nevermind the big things. This is going to be hard around Christmas as I have spent the last 4 Christmases with him and his family.

“”Something HAD to change otherwise they would end up in same place again, so the guy either came to his senses and settled down or made a commitment or gave up booze” – I agree with this, the problem is I need to change, my mindset and my lifestyle.

“”My elderly relative passed away” – I am sorry to hear this but I am glad to hear that it was peaceful.

Update: I didn’t go to the interview, however the validation of being given the opportunity gives me hope. I decided that I am trying to do ten billion things at once but then feeling weighed down and doing none of it. I am behind my peers and I feel like I am playing catch-up. I am currently suppose to be applying to placements but every application I don’t like, I don’t feel ready and just realised if I do a placement I won’t be graduating with the people I have started this journey with. However, if I do not get a placement it may affect my application when I finish university and well [insert even more overthinking!]. Any advice would be helpful, it’s fine being in the bubble of education and its taken me so long to get to where I am today I swear I am institutionalised to the system. I can’t help but be accutely aware of what employers want from me and how I am not doing any of it currently because my mental health isn’t great (e.g. the last two months I have missed so many lectures its embarrassing because it isn’t a true representation of my core values of being on time etc etc)

– V