Well, i read some of Brav’s posts.  Very good reads.  I can relate to him in so many ways.  Refreshing but also sucks in a weird way.  Sucks that it feels like the more I dig and look for help, the more i see that there are more people that are like that (the ex’s)  It’s kind of depressing.

How can someone show so much love to someone, then just forget it all.  Kind of like one of his posts talked about him seeing her laughing having a good time, and not even showing any signs of grief or anything.

I have a similar feeling.  With my ex, she told me repeatedly that I was a gift from the heaven.  Constantly told me how grateful she was and how much she loved me and that where was I her whole life, then she is done.  Just like that.  Flipped the switch and see ya, have  a good life!  It hurts so bad to know that people are like that.  That someone can’t fight for someone they do love or at least someone that they showed that to.

Maybe she was manipulating me too?  Maybe she was using me as her security blanket, her trash can to dump all her baggage into?  Then when it became too much and I couldn’t handle it anymore and started to fall apart, she took the garbage out and never looked back instead of sorting it out with me?

This is so freaking difficult to understand everything.  and i am the type of person that I have to be able to understand to be at rest.

So a little about me lately.  I went to my daughters winter concert last night.  The same one from last year I talked about that my ex was supposed to go with me to.  This year was a little easier.  I wasn’t crying the whole time like last year.  So that was good.  However, i was sitting next to an empty chair again because I bought a ticket for my girlfriend and of course she was working.  That did tug at my heart some and also brought back memories of last year.  Last year, i was sitting alone with an empty chair and there was a married couple sitting on one side of me.  I was so distracted my them.  just the way she would hold his hand, you could tell she loved him with all her heart.  That was devastating at that time for me.  This year, again  another married couple.  It wasn’t as hard though and the concert felt like it went by fast, whereas last year it felt like an eternity.  The drive home was a little difficult.  my brain was bringing up the past and i was trying to just let it go as soon as it came in, but it was sticking with me.  same with this morning.  That’s why i’m posting on here today.

So back to my life.  We all went to the snow this last weekend to get a tree, and play with family and friends.  All was good.  But, somehow my girlfriend and I ended up in another fight by  the time we went to bed.  I don’t understand this.  It feels like all we both want is time together, but when we do get that.  We are fighting by the end of the day.  What’s really screwed up is that when we fight, i get depressed and pissed off at myself.  I think, ” Why couldn’t I have stood up for myself like this with my ex?  Why couldn’t of I spoke my mind like this?”  With my ex, i was so afraid to say or do anything to upset her or make waves.  I wish I would have.  I feel like I cheated myself out of being able to say to her what I needed to when i needed to.  What i should have said, instead of harboring everything trying to protect her.

back to my girlfriend.  I think the reason we do fight is that i have made her insecure with my behavior.  Which i deeply regret.  So she gets jealous or something of when i show interest with my friends or family, if I “come alive” around my friends as she said.  And i think because of our situation(her work and me being a full time single dad to her kids) that I end up resentful.  Like when we do get time together, i’m done… I’m done being a dad to all the kids, i just want to play and do me.

Wow!  I never realized that until i just typed it.  I really need to talk to her and tell her that.  No wonder we get in fights.  I think when that happens i finally feel like i’m going to get a break, and i don’t.  Then i get pissed, especially if she gets upset about anything.  Like “How dare you get upset, when i’ve done nothing but take care of your kids all week after week after week.”.

Looks like i have a lot more to work on.

Good news is we think she may have landed a job with normal hours, so i won’t feel so “burdened”.

I do know this.  If things have not improved by spring.  (I’m really trying to give it a chance), then I will talk to her and we will go separate ways.  I hate saying this, but I need to be happy and if I’m not happy then how can we be happy??  DAMN!  I wonder if this is how my ex felt?  But she just never expressed it to me and was just finished with it all one day?

WOW.  Well on that note, i’m going to get back to work.  I can’t wait for the holidays to be over.  very tough this year…  thanks again for being my ears and friends.