Had a good weekend.  Surprised the crap out of my girlfriend.  This weekend is our trip.  Can’t wait for that.

However….  My ex must have intuition of when things are getting better for me.  We used to play a word game online with each other.   She sent me a request to start one with me saturday night out of the blue.  You can chat privately in that game, she also wanted to chat…

I am ashamed to say I wasn’t strong.  I should of just ignored it and left it alone.  I didn’t.  We messaged back and forth a little bit. About my girlfriend contacting her a few months ago.  her life and mine in general.  she apologized for hurting me.  She said she “I’m alone”.  I asked about her boyfriend.  she said he is still there, just working out of state for another year.

She mentioned something about me doing exactly what her ex-husband did and how much that hurt. I’m thinking she means finding a new girlfriend and then moving her in.  I did finally get to express to her how much I was hurt by the fact that i felt like i wasn’t important enough for her to try to remedy things before it was too late.  And the fact that she left me.  It felt good to say that.

there was more said,  In the end of it all the last text she sent me said  “I think of you often and you gave me my laugh back and I will always be grateful for that.”  Wow!  really?  How dare her say that she thinks of me often.  She knows how I feel and that would fuck with my head!

Some of the things she said really rang clear for me who she is.  One of the things she told me before of why it didn’t work is that she said that I was a control freak and she liked to wing it.  I realized that yes, i do like to plan and make plans.  I do also like to be spontaneous, but i loved planning events and time together.  I think though that she is really a control person.  She has to have control of the situation whatever it is.  That’s why it felt like everything was always on her watch or her convenience.  She is an independent woman and when it became a codependent thing or having me run things or share a little bit.  It was hard for her to deal with.

Just like now.  I stopped talking to her all together.  NOTHING.  after 3 months, she looked me up again…  After she blocked me and told me she was done and can’t be friends.  After my girlfriend messaged her three months ago and made it clear to leave us alone and she responded to her that she wants nothing but happiness for us…  I don’t think she can handle the fact that i am happy without her.  That’s why she looked me up.  She also said my girlfriend looks like my ex-wife!  WTH?  I think she was jealous of my friendship i have with her also.  She is a very jealous person.  When I was with her, she talked about her ex-husband and his girlfriend and how much she hated her…

She shed a lot of light on her.  I feel like if she truly did want me to be happy and was done and didn’t want to have some kind of control of influence in my life, then she would of never contacted me again.  I think by unblocking me she wanted to look at my profile and see what i was up to.

It would be nice to know that she was doing this because she did really care for me, love me, miss me, and want to try again.  However I think it’s because she can’t handle the idea of someone else making me happy.  Just like she had a hard time with her ex being happy without her and with someone else.

I have to say though, she does know how to tug at my heart strings.  It is very hard not to want to keep a line open to her.  I know that I can’t though.  I have to let this lie.  It’s everything I can do to not want to though.  But the fact that she is so conflicting in things she says.  Like “I’m alone”, but yet she has a boyfriend.  Having him, no matter how far away means you are not alone, especially if you really are “in love”.  When i was with her, we were apart a majority of the time.  I did feel alone, but I wasn’t alone, she was right there on the other side of the phone whenever i needed.  It makes me wonder if that is just a superficial relationship?  If she is just with him because of whatever reasons besides really being in love with him?  It doesn’t matter though.  What matters is what you all have taught me here.  If that is ever meant to be with her, then we both have to learn and grow on our own and it will happen when its right.  I can’t assume anything she says any kind of meaning.  And I think the biggest thing for me is to not dive back in and be tempted by her.  Getting all gushy mushy and needy again.  I need to keep my distance and be strong.  Love what i do have with my girlfriend now.  And grow with that.  With someone that loves me for me and all my flaws and is willing to work with me on any issues I may have.  Not feel like i’m on eggshells because i’m doing something that she thinks I shouldn’t. or not to her expectations.

It is amazing to me though that she contacted me again.  really it’s kind of irritating.  If she want me to be happy then why can’t she leave me alone?

I’m sorry to keep posting on this thread.  I was done with it until she contacted me…