Merry Christmas. Or happy holidays, whatever you may celebrate, during this time of year. Over the last month and a half since we have last spoke, there have been many times where I sat down to write to you, but nothing came out. Or something came out, but I didn’t feel like what I really wanted to say.

 I had a wonderful trip, however it does feel so far away now, it has only been one month since it passes. real life has gone back to such a high pace that it is often hard to savor those memories.  I would like to tell you more about my trip, but perhaps in a later conversation, as it is not in the forefront of my mind.

We moved to New York City about two weeks ago, it was the best decision for us, and I feel truly glad for moving here and not to the other side of the country. Prior to moving here, I spent some time living with my in-laws. I think I have mentioned that before, they are truly kind and supportive people. They do give me an example of what true supportive, unconditionally loving parents are like. I know that everyone is not lucky enough to experience this, and I do feel grateful that I can at least experience this through my husband, as having them as in law’s now.   I would also like to add more about that later as well – as the experience taught me a lot

 My sister has moved to New York City as well for a job 2 weeks ago. I have spent a lot of time going over many of the things that we have spoken about in regards to my sister Today and yesterday.  It has been quite overwhelming, and this is why when I say I will talk about the other things at some other time, it is because my entire brain revolves around my sister at this time.  This is not because of anything that she is doing personally TO me, but it is because of how I have been programmed. It is like I become obsessed with her progress and path, and I lose myself. It is not unlike my mother, feeling like I have to be her Savior. But like you said all this does is enable her behavior, it doesn’t lead to her or anyone’s progress. I do have to let her go and find her own journey, It cannot be my burden and responsibility.  I am learning how to have this boundary. Once again I can not blame her for any of this, as I am doing this to myself – it is me who has to take a step back and allow her to find her path

My husband and I had a wonderful time living with his parents, and our one month trip was delightful. It was exactly what we needed, there were no distractions from other people, problems, or anything of that sort. It couldn’t have been at a better time. We also feel very happy about our decision to move here to New York City like I said. As you know we were considering Southern California, but for a variety of reasons decided against it. We are now stil close to all of our friends and family, (meaning his family.) This is very important.

 Over the last week however, I see him and I going back into some of our old patterns, and this is because of the way I become around my sister, I feel quite engrossed in her, and feel like I cannot focus on anything else. I take on her story  to be my own – and suffer. This is quite reminiscent of how I was with my mother. Given that I was ingrained in these patterns I know the root of them, but I do know that I have to do a lot of work to change them. The answer with my mother was going to contact, which was the best way. After which They terrorized my sister to NO end -leading to a lot of suffering for her as a result.  The way they treated her when she was living at home for the last few months was horrendous, because their entire goal was to get information about me. It was a very difficult time for her. Thus, in many ways I tried my best to be there for her too – supported her to find her own path. However, I know that there is only so much I can do. She no longer is living with them, and is starting her own chapter in NYC as well.    I remember a long time ago you mentioned that it wouldn’t be the best idea for us to live in the same city. I think about this every day. But I also think about, in a way it almost doesn’t matter. Because if she lived outside of this area or on the other side of the country, I too involved myself with her day in and day out as well.  This happened a year ago when she was living 2000 miles away, I found myself absorbed by her stuff constantly, and she did feel the same about me when I was having a tough time with my mother.

I also think about how there is a difference between supporting someone and enabling them, and I was guilty of enabling her in the last.

If I don’t preserve myself and create boundaries -once again it will be like what we spoke about 1 year ago –  It will be the same patterns. I always come back to. you always say, my first and foremost priority should be my husband and future family. No matter what. I finally know what this means Anita, and I was able to put this in action over the last two months when we were living with his parents and while we were on vacation. It was wonderful to finally see what that felt like. It felt like a great combination of comfort, and inward self focus.

However over the last two weeks I have lost that in many ways, because I have been so engulfed with my sister my focus on my husband and my own self has gone out the window. It is like the way I used to live when my mother was in the picture, I was not living intentionally, or being present. My mind is always racing with 1 million other things that I wasn’t fully living at all.

I woke up today and thought about how one of the worst shames in this world is having a great life, but not being able to enjoy it, appreciate it, or be present. in some way  it’s almost worse than having a bad life because you aren’t able to appreciate the good fruits that have been offered to you – which creates even more frustration and despair.

 I have felt like this many times in my life, and over the last few days I have felt like this again, I know it is vital that I get my self back on track like I was two months ago, focused on myself and my husband.

 I Have done so much hard work to get there, I have even done the courageous act of cutting my parents out of my life, if I can do that I can do anything. I just need to get back on track