I don’t remember arguing as a youngster, partly because my memory is terrible.  (Is this a bad sign?)I do however distinctly remember arguing a lot because I was a selfish teenager. Again, something I need to speak with my sister about to see if she remembers a transition period or whether the arguments were always there. I will meet her tomorrow to discuss this.

As you can imagine, this is difficult for me to digest. Especially to hear my mum was potentially a bad parent. It saddens me. My mum has always been a saint in my eyes. Can I ask why you termed it “aggression” ? Are you implying that if the arguments were always there, then the aggression would have to be on the part of there adult seeing as the child is considered pure, free from prejudice ?

Your point about the cost/benefit associated with parental loyalty makes total sense. I know too that my Mum loved us more than life itself, and would therefore accept any criticism of her upbringing of us if she thought her babies were suffering mentally as a result.

My choice of the verb “win” made me think of another explanation after reading your response. As in to win the game. As in the encounter was just a game/not serious, but maybe it was just my choice of words. I just don’t know. I often struggle with knowing what I am really feeling. I would love for nothing more than to develop a strong sense of identity with my inner self to help me feel less fragmented and gain more clarity in life. Self awareness is my biggest weakest.

We argued incessantly. There were no winners. I agree these were far from ideal circumstances to grow up in. Is this possibly why I haven’t dealt with my Mum’s death? Is this connected with my erratic behaviour towards women? I just don’t know.The question I really want to ask is how. How I can move on from this and grow into the person I know I can be.