Dear Anita,

I wanted to re-read your New Years day post and comment.

I have thought about the concept that others have their own distressing pathway. in fact there is a “friend” from college that now lives close to me here in nyc.  i have mentioned her before, as someone who is flakey and unreliable.  she is a fair weather friend, wonderful and all about you when convenient to her – no where to be found when its about her – everything is revolved around her life and schedule.

well anyway since i’ve moved shes been pretty persistent about meeting up, but of course only when shes in the area, and her new bf is available.  she makes it a huge point that i have to meet him, a lot of which is that she wants to “show off” and show how happy she is – it feels.  i notice how she has her own distress.  moreover, i notice how i feel anxious and tense even if i get a text from her.  her distressing energy (although masked) does rub off – even via technology! i notice that before i would judge this about me.

this time around, no matter how simple the plan – i feel toxicity from her end. even if it is a simple hello.  i don’t have space in my life for this – and so I know, like you stated, everyone has their own distress – and for now, or perhaps forever, when avoidable – i would like to stay away from that energy.

when fear is so strong in us. We live in a frenzy and  dust disrupts our vision.

yes, so well said.  dust disrupts our vision.  that is why it is even more important for the dust to settle. let i settle, so we may regain our vision, or at least see a little clearer after wiping some dust.

you wrote:

This is very common, parents criticizing their children, minor and adult, for all kinds of supposed character faults that really are the results, or consequences of their own actions. And we do criticize each other, other people for character faults that were born as unavoidable  consequences of their early experience, their parents’ actions.

this helped me gain some perspective,  how true this is.  and how much more compassion I must have, for a loved one (my husband) when I see he does not see things the way I do innately.  His upbringing was ENTIRELY different from mine – and so his baseline approach and way of dealing with people and life is such.  I understand this, but I do not always respect this.

Definitions are changing.  And it takes time.  Mostly the ingrained idea of he would she be our own self.  Self pressure.  But if we self trust, and see what our inner compass is telling us – we can learn a lot.  Do I need to be doing this right now? Do I need to be saying this right now? Do I need to be interacting with this person right now?

Most often – the answer is NO – when you are in the healing phase.  That I must and will respect.