This is all so confusing for me and so tormenting in some ways.  We are creeping up on the anniversary of the day we met.  2/5/19.  I can’t help but wonder if this is how my ex was feeling at this time when she left me?  If she did love me but wasn’t “in love” with me like she should have been.  If there were just too many issues that she did try to deal with and couldn’t anymore.  But then I wonder if she was feeling this way and did reach out to another man before she left me.  Even if it was just conversation.  Just like I had done with my girlfriend.

I know I can’t think what if or question or assume things.  Just telling you all what has been going through my mind.  Including “why in the world would someone that clearly expressed they want nothing to do with me EVER.  Why would the repeatedly come back?”

Yeah, the biggest problem with questioning is that there is absolutely know way to know the real answers. From your ex’s actions, it sounds like she doesn’t even know how she feels or what she wants, and that’s definitely something she would need to figure out before she can happily succeed in any long-term relationship. It’s better that she stays away from you while she’s still in this immaturity mode, because it wouldn’t fare well for you guys either.

I don’t know how to do this or if/when I tell her that she needs to move on and it’s not working.  I don’t even know where to begin that conversation or ???

If you haven’t noticed.  I’m the type that would rather suffer than bring someone else hurt and pain.

I am also this type. Everyone else’s needs and wants come before mine, but I’ve learned over the last year that you cannot pour from an empty cup. When you drag yourself down by not meeting your own needs, it drags everyone else around you down, too.  Causing short-term pain is better than a very slow, long-term descent into misery for both of you.

I’ve also found it helps to reframe things in your mind: Breaking up might cause her hurt and pain in the short term, but you two staying together in a relationship when you are not compatible is keeping you both from finding someone you are compatible with… so you staying with her is also keeping her from being with someone who is truly a match with her… which is much worse, in my opinion, than short-term heartbreak.

So, in terms of a talk, it might just be best to rip off the band-aid. Tell her you’ve been doing a lot of thinking and as wonderful and loving as she is, you don’t feel like you’re a match for each other. Then you’re going to have to stand firm with that. She’s going to feel hurt because she loves you and rejection sucks, but it’s better than staying in an incompatible relationship when there are people out there for you both who are likely much better matches and who you each would be happier with overall.

Having said that… keep in mind that I don’t know either of you personally, so my opinion on all of this is just based on what you’ve said about the amount of fighting you guys do and your own feelings you’ve expressed here. I had a guy in the past that I was just swooning over for literally 10 years and I thought we were meant to be and that I’d never get over him. No guys ever compared or made me feel anywhere close to what he did, but as soon as I met my most recent ex, my feelings for the other guy just completely disappeared and even now I don’t think about that other guy in that way, whom I’m still friends with… so that’s one reason how I know that if you were with the right one for you, you wouldn’t be thinking of your ex the way you do now because you would be too happy and enamored with your current girlfriend to even care… if she were a match.