Dear anita

I finally made it back to Spain.  For the last week while still home, I felt really anxious and unsure about coming here. I was starting to even consider possibilities like becoming a police officer in my home town when someone advised me to do it. That is something I would’ve never considered.. not in 1000 years. So I was super scared about leaving. So unsure that I would find all kinds of reasons to stay in the place where after all I felt  like I’m drowning more and more.

But I left anyway on the 5th of February. My mom took me to the airport, I flew and I was here again. I was very tired from the long trip and I felt extremely anxious and unsure. I constantly felt like this is too much and I should give up. I met with the landlord, did all the paperwork and I went to the beach. Once I found myself there I fully realized I actually came back to Spain. Everything looked scary, so much happening, a lot of people who looked like they have their life figured out. Everyone seemed to go somewhere and do something.. But I, once again was floating around wondering what am I doing here. I have to admit.. being awake for the last 30 something hours might have been contributed to the way I felt. I arrived few hours ago and I was already thinking about going back. Everything looked so intimidating. I was feeling like I failed.. maybe because I expected to feel much better when I’m going to be here again.. and it felt like the opposite. I sat on the sand and I started crying. A lot. I was thinking I should go home and ask my family for help. I was thinking about telling them that I cannot function properly and I cannot do all this. I am too scared of having a job and I am too anxious to be here. I wanted to call them and tell them I am going to come home and go in a mental hospital or something to sort things out.  But I didn’t. I cried more and more.. and after a while I decided to go to the supermarket and buy some food, cook and get some sleep.

I woke up after a few hours in the afternoon and I noticed I had a few missed calls from my parents. I felt better. Actually much better after I slept. I dressed up, went for a walk and then I called them back. I told them I feel a little scared and I don’t know how I’m going to do this. They supported me and told me that I’m going to be fine, and If I cannot find any work and I am not happy here I can always come back. In a way, I wanted to hear that. It made me feel safe. They encouraged me and told me to think positive and not to worry so much. I was again at the beach, still anxious and scared about what’s going to happen.. and I texted one of my friends from here. We ended up meeting and having a few beers.. like we always did when I was here. And… to be honest I felt good again.. I immediately felt like I am in a good place. Hearing him talking about our common friends and all the new stuff happening around here, gave me some kind of hope. I felt like I can do this, and like I should do this. I almost felt stupid for the way I acted just an hour ago.

So the next day came, went for my usual run and meditation on the beach, video-called my parents to show them some of the city and started asking people about jobs and the papers I need to obtain to be able to legally work here. I knew Spanish bureaucracy was not exactly a walk in the park.. but some people told me I am going to obtain the papers in a few days.. So that wasn’t so bad. My plan was to have my papers and then go to places and ask for a job.

Two days ago I asked my landlord to go with me to the town hall and register my as a resident. That was the first step, and after that I wanted to apply for the spanish ID for foreigners. Yesterday my landlord called me and told me she made an appointment at the town hall for the 25th of March.  M A R C H.  Apparently a lot of people move here to get a tan.  So yeah..  was shocked to find out that I need almost two months just to obtain the first document.  And as for the second one, I think I need to have this first one to be able to apply for it. Of course, there is also an appointment to be made for that one.. and the guy at the office today told me that it usually takes around 4..5 months to get it.  After hearing all this I called my mom and told her the great news. I felt really disappointed. She told me that she will help me with the money I need and I have to be patient. In a way I felt good and I am very grateful to have my parents support… but in the same time..  this only ads to the same I was doing since forever now.  I mean… I haven’t really done anything in school / Erasmus / back home / and now I’m again coming here to start doing something and I end up doing the exact same thing. Nothing. It always seems like It’s written somewhere that this is my purpose here..to do nothing. I know how that sounds.

Well.. I don’t know what to do.. The anxiety is coming back..and I seem to fall back in the same trap. I seem not to really want to try to find work.. I seem to want to waste time again..get comfy. I seem to avoid trying to start living again. And that kills me.  It  feels like I just don’t want to work. It seems like I want to just go to the beach, go to bars, meet people but I don’t seem to want to work on my life. Even if I am very frustrated about where my life has gone so far, I seem to be too afraid to change it.

Basically… I am here now..waiting who knows how much for the papers.. and my options are just to try to work illegally without a contract in a restaurant, hotel or wherever the tourists come to get a tan.  But I feel so anxious and I keep having this pictured in my head about me working somewhere and not being good enough and failing..

I don’t know what to do. I appreciate my parents help a lot.. but in the same time it feels like I am just continuing what I was already doing. And we both know how I feel about that.

I don’t know why this one had to be such a long post as well.. I am sorry for that.. I don’t even know what exactly was I trying to say.. somehow I wanted to complain.. but in the same time I am hopping to get an insight from you.

Thank you,

So much !