Next Steps,

Thanks for the pep talk. It’s hard to still imagine someone who was so integral to my life, is not in it anymore or worse, won’t ever be in it again. I still find this difficult to come to terms with. To be honest, I didn’t dwell too long on V Day as I had my course after work again yesterday and I was just exhausted by  last night. I stayed with one of my best friends who lives closer to my work and her family. Her toddler is my godchild, so it was nice seeing them, but actually I just hit the hay early so it was all fine.

One day maybe I will see my ex as someone I can smile about, but right now it just causes me pain and confusion, so I’ll keep working on it. I agree, I am where I am right now – emotionally speaking – and when I try to be better or when I try to change, it causes me angst and anxiety, but it’s something I’m working on.

I hope you had a nice Thursday yourself! At least it’s nearly the weekend time!

Michelle,

Wow 7 weeks of exploring….that’s incredible, I’m jealous! I hope you have the most wonderful experience.

As for V Day, I don’t put much time into it either and I would have been mortified to ever receive anything at work –  I agree, it has always been commercial and insincere in a way, so I’m not at a loss for the day itself. It was more the reminder that my colleague had what I thought I would have one day, a husband who loves here at home and it’s afraid to embarrass himself with the cliché that is V Day. I just felt lonely I guess, but the day passed quickly as I had my course after work and it was so intense but I really like. I was exhausted last night!

I’ll hold my hands up and say I needed the security because I think I have an insecure attachment style. I actually like to hear the words I love you or for someone to show me regularly that they are thinking about me….and I know that has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. I’ve discussed it with my therapist, it’s something I’m working on. However, if I have insecure attachment style, he very much had avoidant attachment style. He could not make future plans. About anything.

We never spoke about where we would be in 5 years time. Whenever I brought it up in a non-accusatory and non-confrontational away about my age etc, he would sort of freak out. He was always very afraid. So he said he didn’t want to get married. That hurt. He did talk about having kids and how we would raise them, but these mentions were few and far between and while the odd time he would give way to the idea, more times he admitted he was very scared of the responsibility of having children.

To be honest, I would settled in the end for even just living together as a step towards some sort of commitment. I spent months looking for properties to rent, but he always seemed reticent for any suggestions I made. It became frustrating. He would have said he wanted a place with me, but then his actions didn’t follow the words.

Essentially I think if he looked deep inside himself, he would find that he did want all those things. I genuinely don’t know another guy who deserves to be happy and have a family more, it’s hard to explain, but he just had it….the vibe….the whatever, he would have been a great Dad. Anyway, fantasising aside, he ended the relationship in the end. He found it too hard. He said he wasn’t sure if he’s cut out to be in a relationship and that he thinks he’s meant to be alone.

I saw this as fear and as I explore it more with my therapist, I’m gaining more insight and it seems to be a combination of fear and an attachment to his family of origin, leaving no room for a life with me. It just makes me sad because he STILL doesn’t know what he wants. With anything..in life in general. Before Christmas when we met, he said he’s still trying to figure it out, but he can’t figure out what will make him happy. It’s my belief he’s too scared (for whatever reason) to even explore that. My therapist says he has chosen to not try and that’s as far as he can go. I have grown over these past years, he has not. Because trust me when I say, I WAS MY EX, for many many years. I didn’t let anyone in and had zero vision for a future. I just plodded along and figured I’d end up where I’d end up. But I found therapy and opened my heart to love and then I began to change, to grow.

Anyway, I thought earlier this week, i would meet up with him and try to talk. But as the weekend approaches, I feel I won’t. This happens regularly. I’d love to say it’s because I know better, but if I’m honest, it’s probably just fear on my own part!

@Kkasxo,

Hope you’re doing okay. Let me know if you need anything at all. x