Thanks, I will.

So we had a pretty good weekend.  It really opened my eyes a bit.  I really think that a lot of my issue is the fact that she has kids full time all the time, and that they are both kind of needy kids.  Not trying to be mean or a D%$K.  Just saying i’m so used to my kids only every other week and then when I do have them they are pretty quiet most of the time and aren’t really  needy.  Whereas her kids.  Well the moment we picked them up yesterday was such a mood changer.  for her and myself.  they were loud and would bicker and just ugh….   Even my girlfriend said, I wish they could just be quiet for 10 minutes!  It’s just crazy the difference between her kids and mine.  I hate saying this about them.  I feel awful, because they are sweet kids and just need to be loved.  but I also really  believe a lot of how I am feeling is because we rarely get breaks from her kids.  In fact this is only the second time her and I have had two nights together without her kids in a year and a month.

So did forget to tell you something last week.  I think she does know that something is going on with me and how I’m feeling.  Before this weekend there was a night she asked me “what are we doing”  (we got into a fight earlier that night).  I just told her “living”  I said “this is it” and that i learned that life is about struggling and just work/clean/sleep/pay bills.  pretty much. I was kind of insensitive about it.  I didn’t mean to be, but when we fight, i can only take so much before i lose it.  I’ve told her that before, that i need to cool off and she keeps pushing sometimes.  Anyways.  I think she knows I’m not all sappy “in love” with her. She’s even said, ” I can’t wait until your in love with me like you were ‘her’.  I want you to get butterflies any time you here from me”  That breaks my heart.   I honestly wish I could feel that way.  The entire time I was with my ex, this is what i wanted/needed from her.  Now i have it, but I don’t feel the same.  It is very crazy how the universe works though.  Me dealing with this and my feelings just makes me realize or wonder if this is what my ex went through with me.  If she really never loved me like i did her.  She did love me a lot, I know that.  And was truly in love with me.  Or if she was truly in love, but because of how I acted and she couldn’t express how she felt because of guilt, it changed everything.  Kind of the way I feel now.  I really think with all the crap that came down in her life and me keeping pushing for attention like a child instead of backing off and just being there for her.   It became something that didn’t bother  her, then started bothering her once in a while, then it became a thing where it bothered her non-stop.  And the more that it did, the more she backed away and the more I pushed.  Causing the end which happened.

The only reason I’m saying this is because I really think it helps me understand a little more about what happened.  In fact I think my ex still does love me, but still has all that resentment or something in the way that she can’t let go of.

Back to my girlfriend though.  I think that’s  how I feel.  I do love her.  I know that.  Like this weekend.   It was great.  we had a really good time.  However when we got home, it felt like a downer.  I shouldn’t feel that way, i don’t think.  Maybe it’s just me and my clouded judgement from my previous relationship.  I don’t know.  I think it is what you are all saying.  She isn’t right for me or she can’t give me what i really need and want in a relationship right now.

I can’t help but feel so guilty and bad for everything.  I do need to talk to her and see what we can do to fix this, if we can fix it.

I know it doesn’t help that every single day i still think about my ex.  That drives me insane.  I hate it so much.  I do let thoughts come and go.  Nothing like before.  however like this weekend.  When we got there, I immediately thought about when i took an overnight trip there with my ex only 1-1/2 months after we met.  The thoughts did not last long, but they were there.

This is so hard.  I really need to talk to my girlfriend, but I don’t know how to without it becoming a huge mess.  I know she would do absolutely anything for me, which also breaks my heart.  She is one of the kindest, most loving women I’ve ever known.  She deserves happiness and to be loved like she should.  OMG!  That is almost exactly what my ex said to me!  Man, this is really screwing with my mind and heart.

I need to sign off for now.  I will be back tomorrow.   I’m going to try to figure out what and how to say what I need to say.

Thanks for all you support.