Dear sadman11,

You’ve probably realized this by now, but you can’t force yourself to be happy. Happiness is an intrinsic value resonating deeply from within your heart, your mind, your soul, your very self. External object like a career or a relationship might be a byproduct of your actions, but it does not necessarily represent your happiness. But external objects is the focus for most people to place their value of happiness on since it’s easier to see and touch. Material riches is attainable, unlike the vague sense of happiness that many people prescribe to yet is utterly defeated when asked to describe what is happiness. At the same time, people are too focus on whether they are happy or sad, angry or cheerful. Which blatantly ignores the wide spectrum of emotions that human beings feel daily.

Right now, you are really focus on your depression while agonizing over your ideals of happiness. That agony is reflected on how you interact with those around you, especially your girlfriend it seem. You lament your state of depression so lash out towards those close to you. You don’t feel secure because you don’t understand the state of your emotions. You keep scores of your girlfriend’s mistakes and use it against her in your arguments. That behavior itself is damaging to your relationship and makes it about winning or losing in your relationship. You fear losing control of the situation, and of your relationship, so try to control the actions of your girlfriend with accusation.

How vulnerable have you allow yourself to be in your relationship? You’re insecure, but it doesn’t seem that you’ve told your girlfriend your insecurities. And you might apologize to her, but if your apologies are only made to resolve the minute fighting, how is anyone to believe that you understand why an apology is needed in the first place? You’ve also accused her of cheating, but have you told her your fears? What have you allowed yourself to be with your girlfriend?

Also, how much of this are you rationalizing your situation and how much of it are you actually allowing yourself to feel? There’s a difference between acknowledging that you have depression to the actual acceptance that you have depression. You can acknowledge something, but that doesn’t mean you can’t ignore it’s existence.

How much of your focus is external versus internal?

Last thing, who is responsible for your emotional health?